


Baskets and Bards

by matterbaby



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Divorced parents, M/M, Slow Burn, basketball boi ryan, like they're more hopeless than lesbians, mild homophobia, ryan's an anxious boy, theatre kid shane, youll probably cry ngl
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2019-12-30 03:29:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 69,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18307283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matterbaby/pseuds/matterbaby
Summary: Ryan couldn't help but laugh, and as he sat there, his heart and stomach fighting for who could kill him first, he realized he was fucked.Or, in which Ryan is a big dumb gay who doesn't know how to handle his crush on the hot theatre kid in all his classes





	1. Señor Crayola

**Author's Note:**

> I cannot properly express my gratitude for @lightningridgeblackopal for helping me out so much with this whole thing lmao. Go check out her writing bc if you take my talent and multiply it by ten that's basically what you get

There's this kid in a bunch of classes with Ryan. He'd always seen him around school, they even shared classes in the past, but they were on no more than a smile at each other occasionally basis. And Ryan fucking hated it.

This kid was the cutest boy Ryan had ever seen. He was _so_ weird and adorable and had this messy, fluffy brown hair that did all kinds of things to Ryan's stomach (don't get him started on when he'd run his hands through it). Ryan always looked at this kid across the room, the way he relaxed in his seat and had this general air of ' _I don't give a shit about anybody or anything in this class.'_ And that laugh— that stupid, entrancing laugh that drove Ryan insane _—_ it was downright insufferable. Yet, he wanted more. _Needed_ more.

Thankfully, more was what Ryan got. Their AP physics teacher was, frankly put, a bit of an asshat. So much so that after three weeks of name based seating, he completely switched up the room and assigned everybody's lab partners (since when does that ever work out well?). And yeah, it pissed of Ryan. He was pretty okay with his seat, and  _really_ didn't like the idea of being stuck next to some dickwad, or one of _those_ AP Kids. But when Ryan's new lab partner sat next to him with that stupid, huge grin on his face, Ryan _did_ have to thank whatever god there was above for giving him this dickhead of a teacher. Because his new lab partner was Shane Madej. 

Ryan sat down at their new desk in the back and immediately put his feet up, leaning backwards. He saw the look Shane was giving him, and though he couldn't say he hated it, it definitely bothered him. "What? You got a problem with my feets bein' on the desk?"

"I have a problem with you calling them your 'feets.' Aside from that, no, you're just... oddly comfortable. It's amusing."

"I tend to be."

Shane rolled his eyes and seemed like he was gonna give some argument, but their teacher clapped his hands together and started discussing the lesson plans for the week. Ryan had to make an effort not to look over at Shane the whole class.

* * *

The (academic) highlight of Ryan's day was fifth period: AP Lit. With the most crackhead teacher Ryan had ever met. She was by all accounts insane, but in a good way. She was like that aunt who would let you smoke weed when you slept over at her house, and she was an _actress._ She was charge of the drama club (which Ryan knew Shane was in, from when he'd stalk his Instagram account— don't judge him, it was for research), and told them last week that she'd been on Broadway once. As of right now, she was having them read a Greek play about a demigoddess who murders her children to hurt her husband: _Medea._

They went through the list picking parts, and as one would assume, Shane had wanted a big, dramatic part: he's a big, dramatic person. Which is why he ended up playing the aforementioned Medea. And Ryan was more than content to sit back and watch the quality entertainment, which was almost guaranteed with something like this, but unsurprisingly, Ms. Tina Rosa wanted Ryan to participate. "Pick a part, Ryan! You have a dramatic soul, I can _see_ it!"

He looked down at the character list with a frown, looking for whoever seemed the most basic. _Jason._ That would probably be simple, right? No weird names, not the king of anything: just a dude named Jason, former husband of Medea. But when he called out that name and saw Ms. Rosa's (happy) surprise, he knew he definitely fucked up in his judgement. "Alright Ryan! I'm glad you're getting yourself out there!"

He had this overwhelming feeling of _what have I just done,_ and his friend Jen was snickering at him from where she sat on top of a desk. "I don't— uh, I don't need to like, _memorize_ anything, right? And you won't put in a bad grade if I'm bad at acting?"

She laughed at Ryan in her special way, uncrossing her legs from where she also sat on top of a desk (all of which were arranged in a circle). "Why are all you AP kids so obsessed with your grades! No, Ryan, I'm not gonna grade you. Just have fun! It might be hard to be Jason, I don't think you're really anything like him, but it's fun to step out of your shoes sometimes and be a different person."

Shane piped up from where he sat across the room from Ryan, leaning back in his desk with his legs stretched out. "We're obsessed with our grades because our entire future is reliant upon us doing good in high school so we can get into an impressive college, therefore launching us into mostly meaningless careers, except for maybe two of us in this room who will go onto make some impact in the world."

"Depressing, yet hopeful." She nodded wisely, before turning to Jen. "Jen! You should be someone too! Who do you wanna be?"

"Uh... Creon, I guess?" Ms. Rosa was smiling at the front, and Ryan could see exactly why she was an amazing teacher. She saw her students as equals, not just a bunch of 17-year-olds she has to make read books and write essays. They had genuine conversations about stuff they were reading/doing in class, she talked about her life, sometimes if they were lucky she'd tell them wild stories from her college years, and she loved to talk about how she wasn't perfect, and neither were any of their other teachers (even if they pretended to be), because nobody is.

"That's great for you, Jen! Who else wants a part?" She continued writing down names and encouraging everyone to step out of their comfort zone, as Ryan read through for what was hopefully only a couple of lines, and _wow._ Ryan somehow managed to not only pick a major part, but he also picked an insanely sexist pig who leaves his _demigoddess_ wife and his kids for some princess, then exiles his family. Unbelievable.

He almost asked if he could be somebody a little bit lest, you know, _awful, disgusting, nauseating, rage inducing,_ but then he remembered he's Ryan Bergara, and Ryan Bergara doesn't pussy out of _anything_. So he underlined parts he'd have to read, cringed at the monologues, and sucked it up. They'd be reading tomorrow, so at least he could try to get it together by then, and hopefully not go into cardiac arrest over acting with Shane, not only the prettiest fucking boy he's ever seen, but also a damn good actor.

He expressed his distress at his choice to Jen, who laughed and promised to boo him at some of the more disgusting quotes, which didn't do anything to curb the anxiety he was feeling. Jen was fully aware of Ryan's opinions when it came to people like Jason, and it only made her laugh more, teasing Ryan that "our resident gaysian has to play the sexist womanizer."

The bell couldn't've rung soon enough, and he was walking upstairs with Jen, complaining about being Jason and how fucking boring US Gov is. She was going to fucking _international cooking_ while Ryan had to sit around and hear about America's weirdly intricate legal system. Who the fuck let him take AP?

He didn't even have a single friend in that class, so he was pretty much taking a trip to Snooze City sixth period every day. Well, there was _one_ good thing about that class: he had a pretty good view of Shane Madej from where he sat (third row, a seat behind and to the left of Shane). So sue him! Maybe Ryan likes looking at him a bit too much. A lot a bit too much. But it was his only salvation in that class so he really did not care to tune into the thoughts saying _"you should stop staring at Shane now, it's getting kinda creepy."_

Jen promised the pain would all be over soon, and told him to think about lunch being next with Ned, Eugene, Daysha, and all the rest of their friends. He held onto that thought, did his stupid little handshake with Jen, and slumped into his seat, already wishing he had coffee. He saw Shane booting up his laptop, and for whatever reason he was feeling oddly bold in that moment and decided to talk to him a little before class got started.

"Hey, Shane." Shane looked surprised that Ryan was talking to him, but not at all annoyed or disinterested, so he smiled and Ryan took it as a cue to continue. "I really, _really_ wish somebody warned me about what the fuck I was getting into by saying I'd be Jason. I thought I was going to be the most boring character, but instead I'm like, the Florida Man of Greek mythology."

Shane laughed at his comment, and the way Ryan's stomach suddenly became a gymnast made him realize that he really liked being the person making Shane laugh. Almost as much as seeing him with that stupidly adorable smile. "I mean, it could've been avoided by reading like, two lines of text before saying a name," Shane chuckled.

"What do you think I am, some person who _does what they're told?_ Outlandish," Ryan scoffed.

They were both smiling now, and Ryan really needed to do this more often, because the way his eyes crinkled up a little at the sides, and the slight glint in his eyes made Ryan's stomach win the fucking _gold medal_ for Olympic gymnastics. "Excuse me for thinking you'd want to know what you're getting into before blindly agreeing to read the role of some sexist adulterer."

"If I knew he was a sexist adulterer I would've played crayon or something!"

Shane wheezed at that, trying really hard to get out his next sentence. It visibly was a bit of a challenge, and he had to take a few deep breaths. "Did you— did you just call _Creon,_ King of Corinth 'crayon?'"

Ryan was laughing too now, barely able to keep it down as he desperately fought to catch his breath between giggles. "M-Mr. Crayola, can I please marry your daughter after I leave my demigoddess wife and our two kids?"

"Oh please, you're a friend. You can call me Crayon Crayola."

It was so absurdly funny that they were both crying at it, and by the time their teacher did his weird thing where he stands at the front of the class ominously until everyone quiets down, Ryan had his hand on his chest and was sure he was about to die from lack of oxygen. A glare from Mr. Freidman let them know he was absolutely not going to take their shit, so they settled down and Ryan tried not to think about it because he'd definitely start laughing again if he did.

As some point, while Ryan was taking notes on his laptop, he noticed a google doc that was shared with him by Shane Madej. There was exactly one image in the doc: a screencap of the search results for "Mr. Crayola," all of which were pictures of a man in a cowboy hat. Ryan put his hand over his mouth, and tried to think of the saddest things possible so he wouldn't burst out laughing in the middle of the lesson (his dog telling him that she doesn't love him anymore, the Lakers saying his basketball skills are weak at best, coming home expecting a full jar of Nutella, but finding out that Jake ate all of it), but there were still a few giggles that escaped.

Freidman stopped, looked directly at Ryan, and asked, "What's so funny, Mr. Bergara? Anything you wanna share with the rest of the class?"

Freidman is a perfect case study of a person who will never learn. Because he should've realized by not that he can't ask a question like that and _not_ expect Ryan to a), laugh harder, and b), gladly take the opportunity to derail his stupid powerpoint. "Well, if you google Mr. Crayola—" Ryan started giggling a little, and he saw out of the corner of his eye that Shane was silently losing it. "You-you get these—" yet another pause for laughter, "all that comes up are pictures of a cowboy, not like, a crayon guy or anything, like one would _certainly_ expect."

"And why were you searching Mr. Crayola during my lesson?"

" _I_ wasn't the one searching it! I was checking back on my older notes to make sure everything was right, and I saw this doc that was shared with me, which had the search results for Mr. Crayola."

Ryan knew his teacher had no soul, but wow, he wasn't even mildly amused by this. How dead inside did you have to be to not laugh at cowboys? "Could you please calm down now and continue taking notes, or do you need to step outside?"

"You got it, chief." And with that he opened a new tab for his notes (he wasn't sure why he didn't just close out _señor crayola_ , which the doc was so cleverly titled) and resumed taking the ever so boring notes. At some point he switched back to the tab and typed at the top in pink comic sans at size 37, _i wonder if this was the inspiration for arthur morgan?_

He then watched Shane, waiting for him to see what he did. And Ryan was truly pleased when Shane (out of curiosity?) switched tabs to _señor crayola_ and saw what Ryan had typed. There was a large smile on his face that he covered with his hand, typing in electric blue times new roman (why did that fit Shane so well?), _No, he was definitely inspired from that man in the AHHHHHHHH video._

Ryan was smiling too, trying his very best to hide it. _*insert sexy floating cowboy in the sky, crudely photoshopped to look like freidman*_

_ LOL. Rofl. Lmao. A million laughing crying emojis.  _

_*insert a crude version of a freidman laughing crying emoji*_

_ Ok... that one actually kinda got me a bit. Thanks for making me laugh in class. When he slurps up my small intestines like a bowl of soup, I'll let him know it was all your fault. _

_beautiful imagery. you should consider being a poet._

_ Why, I'm glad you mentioned, that, I'm actually working on a piece. Would you like to hear it? _

_obviously._

_ With his ridiculous white goatee, and the way his lack of hair sways in the air conditioning, _   
_ I could feel myself slowly start to fall, deep into the pit of love for his monotonous reading. _   
_ The way he recites statistics like he wouldn't care if his wife dropped dead, _   
_ Truly sparks a flame within my otherwise unbeating heart. _

_yk... the thing i hate is how that could genuinely be considered good poetry, but you're writing it about our stupid law teacher._

_ Excuse me Mr. Bergara, he is brilliant. How else could he flex on all us simple minded 17 year olds, without his superior knowledgable abilities? _

_my sincerest apologies. i almost forgot in between the few days its been before he displayed his intellectual prowess by demonstrating how much more he definitely knows than all of us._

_ I swear, he probably memorizes information about topics that are obscure enough only he'd be well versed in them, then waits for a student to mention any keyword in his little mental database so he can go on a tangent about how Smart and Educated he is. Like, we get it, you weren't smart enough to be a lawyer so you became a high school teacher, no need to flex on us braincell-broke bitches. _

_no no no, you don't understand shane. he could've been a_ judge _for all he cares, but he decided to do the world a service by educating us mongrels on how the judiciary branch operates._

_ Fuck, you are so god damn right Ryan, how could I have been so foolish as to overlook his benevolence? I truly hope you can forgive me. _

_i'm not sure dude, you rly disrespected my main man fried rice over there._

_ Please, Sir Bergara, I'll do _ anything.

_anything?_

_ Anything for you Bergara ^-^ _

_then..._

_Are you gonna finish it or what?_

_no, i decided to leave you hangin' a bit. keep you on your toes._

_ I'm always on my toes, baby!_

_i think that's totally fake and i will actively work to disprove that, now._

Ryan's eyes had actually gotten adjusted to the obnoxiously vibrant colours by the time the bell rung. He wasn't sure why, but he kind of expected Shane to walk off without so much as a goodbye. Quite the contrary, though; as he packed up his laptop, he looked up at Ryan with that stupid smile of his. "I will be so disappointed if you can't make that photoshop a reality."

"Who the hell do you think you're talking to here? I am the _king_ of photoshop."

They started walking out of the classroom together, and the stupid teenager part of Ryan's brain screamed about how perfect they were walking side by side. "Is that so?"

"It is."

"Alright, then if I get my friend in his class eighth period to get a picture of him, may I commission that image?"

"I welcome your commission with open arms." Ryan's heart rate sped up incredibly at the realization that he suddenly had the perfect excuse to get Shane Fucking Madej's phone number, if he played his cards right. "Although, I don't really have a way to give you my artwork when I finish it. Unless you want to wait until first period tomorrow to see it."

"No! I need it as soon as you can possibly give it to me! I want that shit on record, baby! I want to make it my _lockscreen."_

"Well I don't think having it as your lockscreen is the smartest idea, pal, considering if a teacher saw that they'd have more than a few questions."

"What's the worst they can do?"

"Give you ISS for violating the school policy against photography and video recording of people without their knowledge."

"Bullshit!"

They were both laughing way too hard at that, and Ryan was almost sad to tell Shane he had to go to his locker which was only a few feet away. "I gotta go now, since I try to avoid being like those freshmen who break their back with all their books. Can you give me your phone number or something so I can send my masterwork once it's completed?"

"Of course! I guess you'd need my number anyways so I could send you the picture of 'Fried Rice.'" Shane used air quotes as he said Ryan's little nickname for him, and he had the brief thought that it should be illegal to look so attractive while being a sarcastic asshole.

Ryan handed Shane his phone to put in his number as he opened his locker. It was handed back to him a few seconds after with a comment of, "I already did myself the favour of sending a text, don't stress yaself out over it." Shane winked dramatically and walked away, leaving Ryan looking at his phone with the contact information for _Mr. Crayon_ with a cowboy emoji. He decided he wouldn't text back until he was in the cafeteria, so he shoved shit into his locker without a single care, waited for his friends to meet him, and they walked down in a Cluster of Teenage Hormones towards lunch.

When he was eating, he noticed Ned giving him _that look_ as he pulled out his phone as soon as possible, and prayed he wouldn't try to do his Ned Thing. This was the first time Ryan saw what Shane had sent, and it certainly was interesting.

_ heyyyyyyy honeybooboo, its ryan. currently in awe of how amazing and funny and hot and kool u r. i hope you have a slot open for #1 fan bc wowza, u really are something.  _

There were around about a million heart-related emojis after that, and geez, Shane was really one of _those_ people (and Ryan absolutely loved it). He smiled at it regardless and typed out a message to Shane.

_just found out i'm apparently the new leader of the shane madej fanclub. i'm truly honoured._

_ It already exists, sweaty. A little somethin' called drama club ;)))))) _

_ngl, i was expecting you to say rosa is the leader of your fanclub_

_ Oh, she's definitely gonna fight you for that position. _

_bold of her to assume i couldn't beat her with one punch_

_ Bold of you to assume her raw power wouldn't make you disintegrate before you got the chance _

_...shit, you right_

_ As always _

_ Hate to disappoint a fan, but my gym teacher looks like he's about to vore me for being on my phone, so I'm gonna go now. _

_lmk if he uses salt and pepper._

_ Will do. _

"Oh Ryannnn, who are you texting that's got you smilin' so much?" Ned had this stupid smug look on his face that made Ryan sad there was a _no wrestling your best friends to the floor during lunch_ rule (that they had personally got instated).

"Your mom. She was making sure I packed your snack after we were done last night."

" _Ryan_! You know I already called dibs on Ned's mom!" Jen whined from where she sat on his left, seeming more than satisfied at the look on Ned's face.

" _Excuse_ me! Would you like me to tell her what you're saying about her right now?"

"She heard a lot worse last night." Jen smiled into her chocolate milk at that.

Ryan put his hand on his chest in mock horror, as though he had been told Jen ate his dog. "You mean to tell me we _both_ got it on with Ned's mom last night?"

Ned threw his crumpled up tinfoil at Ryan. _He_ threw a few oddly sour grapes at Ned. And in a move of total maturity, they ended up throwing almost every item on their plate at each other. They only stopped when Daysha promised to slap the shit out of them if they did not cut it out right that second, fully stepping into her Mom Friend role.

The subject of Ryan's text buddy was dropped until Ryan was walking with Eugene to film production, going to drop off Ned at his mandatory art class. Ever the overachiever, he chose to take creative crafts, literally some course that an eight year old could probably do. Ned always got mad at them when they pointed out that fact, and assured them he was actually doing cool stuff, but it was a conversation that essentially went in circles anytime it was brought up.

Ned's eyes lit up when he realized what he got to tell Eugene in his absence. "Oh, Eugene! While you were busy flirting with the lunch lady _—_ "

"Oh my god, Ned, I'm not  _flirting_ with her, it's called being polite," Eugene cut in.

" _—_ Ryan's got a new boyyyyfriend!"

"Shut up!" Ryan finally joined them. "I-I do not have a  _boyfriend,_ I can just make actual friends."

"He's lying, Eugene, look at this picture! That's the face of a man in love."

"You took pictures of me?! What the fuck, Ned! I don't take pictures of you when you're dreaming up your wedding with Ariel!"

Ned was still making kissy faces at him when they dropped Ned off at his class (and pestered his teacher a little bit).

Ryan and Eugene made their way back to class, Eugene's silence on the subject of Shane only making him  _more_ nervous. But it wasn't mentioned at all by the time they were sitting at the back of the class, listening to their teacher explain things about their camera that they really didn't need to hear. It was complete horseshit that they were nearly a month into school and they haven't even started shooting any videos yet. Ryan sent a picture of his camera sitting on the table, his super boring teacher in the background, to Shane.

_here with my beautiful camera and my stupid teacher._

_ Show some respect, Ryan! It's obviously very important for you to know which buttons to press on the camera you already own _

_my b. i'll make sure to pay extra attention to how to put my videos on the school computer, something he taught us last week_

_ You fucking better _

_ouch, why are you so aggressive about that_

_ THIS IS YOUR FUTURE RYAN _

_calm down u fucking theatre kid_

_ Now _ that's _ an ouch moment. I truly cannot believe you would use my passions against me like that _

_u better believe it, longlegs_

_...Longlegs? _

_yeah, u fucking spider boy_

_ You know, there _ is _ a name for that super hero _

_you w i s h you could be spiderman. ur like the walmart knockoff version..._

_spider boy..._

_leg guy..._

_jumpy lad..._

_ Ryan you need to stop right this second _

_or what?_

_ Or I'll send my spider army against you. You'd be defenseless against them. _

_what makes you say that_

_ You're too small. They would cover your body and you would drown in spider. _

_ever the charmer, madej_

_ Thanks, I try ;) _

_stop with the winks_

_ -3- _

_what_

_ That's a kiss _

_why are your lips... in between your eyes..._

_ My parents were cousins _

_holy shit, that explains everything_

_...were?_

_ Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I sold them  _

_sweet! what did you buy?_

_ My million dollar smile! _

_literally shut up_

**_Mr. Crayola sent an image_ **

Ryan tried not to laugh at the picture of Shane with the exaggerated smile on his face, which he was 100% sure Eugene saw over his shoulder. He was proven right when he leaned over to avoid getting caught. " _Madej's_ the one you've been texting that's making you all... uwu owo?"

"I am _not_ uwu," he whispered back harshly.

"Mmm. Sure," Eugene deadpanned. Ryan made a point to stick his tongue out at him.

Eugene looked back to his own phone, so Ryan texted Shane a picture of him flipping the bird, because Ryan is the epitome of class. He hesitated for a second or two, then saved the picture Shane sent. He told himself it was for future blackmail if they were going to be friends, a lie that even a snail wouldn't believe.

Ryan looked up at his teacher until his phone buzzed again, and it was the cutest picture Ryan's ever seen. It was Shane in their English classroom, head resting on his chin, pouting overdramatically. He didn't even hesitate when he saved that one to his phone.

Ryan kept it simple by texting back a picture of him winking, a bit too much of a Disaster Gay to be bolder. Shane read the message and didn't respond until five minutes later, which, ouch, but he didn't care too much (that's a blatant lie, he cares _so_ much). When Shane did get back to him though, it wasn't a picture, but instead:

 _ So Rosa got mad at me for being on my phone during Shakespeare, and she said "tell whoever you're texting I will fight them for trying to distract my Othello." _ **** _ So obviously I had to be like, "I'm sorry Rosa, but I think Ryan could beat you in a fight." She was all, "like hell he could! I have sheer determination. What does he have, muscles?" So I said, "yeah, actually, like a lot of them," eloquent as always. Anyways just thought I should let you know you're scheduled to fight our English teacher _

_tell ms rosa she would, without a single doubt, beat me in a fight. not only am i a coward at heart, but latin americans fight_ _dirty, and i don't fuck with that_

_ I'm more than sure she'll be pleased to know our resident basketball star would lose in a fight with her _

_mhm. also tell her i say hi, but like, very enthusiastically._

_i don't think i've loved any teacher more in my life_

_ Wow, not even your b-ball coach? _

_coach can suck my dick. he's cool ig, but also a bit of a dick_

_ Holy shit! I have Ryan Bergara on record trash talking the basketball coach??? _

_yeah, and i'm also going on record saying i'll shove shanesquatch madej's foot up his ass if i get in trouble for that_

_ Ouch.  _

_ I guess you'll just have to find a way to keep me quiet... _

_ur rly gonna try to blackmail me rn? i will have sex with your father._

_ That's an interesting threat, can't say I've heard it before  _

_thx uwu. i'm skilled in creative threats ;)_

_ Not sure why that needed a wink, and I don't think I really wanna know.  _

_bet_

_...You truly are something, Ryan Bergara _

_i strive to be_

Ryan smiled and put his phone down, feeling more content than he had been in a while.

* * *

Trigonometry was thoroughly kicking Ryan's ass. He'd never been much of a math person, excelling in subjects that allowed for at least a _little_ bit of creativity, but he had absolutely no idea why he made the choice to take the class. He could've taken an easier math class, something that he'd be good at, but of course he wanted to pad his college application so he made the literal worst decision ever. And then there was Stupidface Madej, with his dumb floppy hair and disgusting entrancing eyes and downright _awful_ radiating smile. Madej who _enjoyed_ math, despite being a god damn theatre kid, and basically nut in his pants every time he got back a math test saying _100 :)_ in big fat red letters.

Ryan, on the other hand, was completely struggling. His grades were in the low eighties, which he guessed was okay for an honours class, but it was the one thing bringing down his GPA and he didn't like it one bit. He was so close to just dropping the class, maybe taking an elective. He could even have a study hall and leave early; Eugene already did that, and he usually drove to a coffee shop near the school before he picked up Ryan and Ned to bring them home.

He stopped considering it entirely, though, when Shane walked into class and smiled at Ryan. "Still gonna shove my foot up my ass?"

"If you don't keep your mouth shut, I'll shove it so far up that it'll come out of your mouth and you'll choke to death."

"Yikes."

Ryan couldn't help but laugh, and as he sat there, his heart and stomach fighting for who could kill him first, he realized he was fucked.


	2. Big Dick Madej

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "In exchange I get a whole hour of free Yell About Shane Time for the next week.”
> 
> “Ehh, an hour’s pushing the envelope a bit.”
> 
> “I’m gonna use one of my minutes right now. He read my message a minute ago and still hasn’t answered me. What if he hates me! Oh wait, nevermind, he’s typing, I retract that minute.”

Ryan was absolutely, hopelessly exhausted. Going to a party Saturday night is fine. That let him sleep in all of Sunday, which he did. But then he woke up sometime after one in the afternoon to Eugene calling him, begging Ryan to go out with him and Ned (and Jen, when she got off of work). They were going to go to a nearby abandoned factory, get high, and generally fuck around. As much as Ryan wanted to sleep for seventy years, that also sounded like a lot of fun, so despite his throbbing headache from last night, he agreed. Suddenly Ryan was getting picked up in five minutes, no time to shower, so he rushed to put on one of his basketball sweatshirts (the one with his name and number on the back, 17, in case you were wondering) and literally any pair of jeans.  
  
Eugene promised to stop for coffee, one of the only things driving him that morning (or afternoon at this point). He took his stairs two at a time, tripped on the last one and almost fell, but caught himself on an end table near the basement stairs that he's cut his head on a couple of times while moving in a haste. The first pair of Jordans he could find were on his feet, the only part of his getting ready process that was by any means careful, because he'd be damned if he let anything happen to his sneakers.  
  
Eugene was outside his house exactly one minute later, honking his horn as Ryan's signal to get out right that second, because Eugene doesn't fuck around. Ryan didn't bother trying to track down his dad to tell him where he was going, instead just texted Jake he was going out with his friends as he walked out to the car. Ryan sat in the back (unspoken rule is the last person to wake up whenever they hang out has to go in the back). Ned gave him his cold brew, made perfect as always.

Eugene's collection of 2009 Fergie was today's soundtrack, and although Ryan had no right to complain considering he didn't even have a car, he'd really appreciate something aside from 2000's pop hits every now and then. He pulled out his phone and was more than happy to see an unexpected text from a certain someone.

 _From what I've seen on people's Snapchat stories, you definitely hate yourself today _  
  
_oh my god, i'm never drinking again as long as i'm alive_  
  
 _that's actually very much a lie, but still_  
  
 _Understandable. Try not to overdose on Advil though _  
  
_ur too late for that pal_  
  
 _Ryan! You didn't actually right _  
  
_nah don't worry, i only took like five advil_  
  
 _I now understand the stress that mothers are under. Sherry Madej, how do you do it? _  
  
_i know perfectly well how she does it, if you know what i mean ;)_  
  
 _That is thoroughly disgusting, Ryan. I cannot believe you would say something like that to me _  
  
_let's not forget who made your cowboy-rice dreams come true_  
  
 _Let the cowboy go man, it was one piece of work _  
  
_oh, that reminds me_  
  
 _Always a terrifying phrase to hear, but ok _  
  
He laughed a little bit at his phone, going to his pictures to send Shane his newest piece. Ryan was a little bit upset that he wouldn't get to see Shane's reaction in person, but he figured it was worth it to get to text him. He didn't even work that hard on this Freidman cowboy emoji, so he reminded himself there would be other chances to see Shane's smile.  
  
"Ryan, what's making you look all like... that?" Ned sipped his coffee after the question, raising his eyebrows in that suggestive way. "If you say anything related to my mom you're walking the rest of the way."  
  
Eugene piped in without taking his eyes off the road at all. "Probably texting Shane or something."  
  
Ryan choked on his coffee, a little mad that his reaction would be all the confirmation his friends needed to know he was, in fact, texting Shane. "Shut up Eugene."  
  
"Yeah Eugene, he only wants to hear Shane kissing him—"  
  
"You shut up too, Ned!"  
  
Ned was making kissy faces while turned around in his seat, all while Eugene continued driving with a huge smile on his face, refusing to contribute to their bickering. "Maybe Shane can protect you from all the ghosts you insist are at the abandoned cabin in the woods—"  
  
"There _are_ ghosts, you asshole! And what the hell is he gonna do, punch 'em? They're fucking energy, Ned, you can't beat up something non corporeal."  
  
"Well actually, according to a study I read by a Yale professor—"  
  
He was cut off by both Eugene and Ryan yelling, at the top of their lungs, "NERRRRRRD." Every time Ned tried to continue, the chorus of nerd just got louder, until he eventually gave up. Ryan had been taking a Snapchat of the interaction, recording how annoyed Ned was getting. When he saw Ryan's phone out, it only fueled his friendly anger more, obviously making Ryan crack the fuck up. He captioned the video _look at this dumb nerd. fucking loser_ with a couple of nerd emojis and science beakers.  
  
Ned was still a little grumpy, unwilling to let go the topic of his complete nerdiness, so they settled into a comfortable silence. Ryan was getting kind of bored if he was honest (there was only so many things he could do on his phone for twenty minutes before he started feeling a little restless). It had been about a week since he and Shane started actually speaking, and maybe it was just because Ryan had the ability to become someone’s best friend in a matter of days, but he felt like he could confidently call Shane his friend. Which was why he didn’t panic even the slightest bit (that’s a total lie, he would’ve been calmer in a plane crash) when Shane sent him a picture of him and a cat half a sleep on his chest. He pretended for his sake that he hesitated before saving it. 

_Obi loves it_

_i love obi!_

_Obi loves you too_

_i’m going to steal him!_

_I will literally beat you up if you try to steal him from me_

_yeah, right. i’d kick your ass and you know it_

_I would defeat you with my size alone_

_Oh shit that sounded really sexual _

_canonical fact: shane madej has a long schlong_

_Ryan I’m going to sell your testicles to pagans if you don’t stop_

_Big Dick Madej_

_I’m begging you to stop _

_oh, so you’re begging now?_

_Ryan stopppp I’m never on the receiving end of oddly timed sexual teasing and I don’t know how to handle it_

_i know something else you won’t be able to handle ;)))_

_ >:(((((((((((((((((( _

_so mature._

_As always!_

_shane i am so fucking bored right now please help me_

_What exactly do you want me to do about that?_

_idk, tell me something interesting. r u circumsized?_

_EXCUSE ME?_

_i’m joking omg. i can’t tell you how much i would’ve paid to have seen your face just now_

_What the literal fuck Ryan. Like… w h y ? _

_it’s a good conversation starter_

_Remind me to never be in a room alone with you ever at all._

_ouchieeee. my feelings :(_

_You don’t get to have feelings after that!_

_why are you being so mean to me? all i did was try to have a conversation :(_

_YEAH, ABOUT MY FUCKING P E N I S_

_you’re the one who got us on this subject by talking about your magnum dong_

_I literally wasn’t!!! At all!!!!_

**_Video Sent_**

Ryan started recording on his phone and had it turned to face Eugene and Ned. “Hey guys, if somebody says ‘I could defeat you with my size alone,’ would you say he’s to blame for starting a conversation about his penis?”

Eugene responded immediately with an, “Absolutely. Why, are you trying to find out Madej’s dick size?”

“He’s trying to figure out if he can fit it in his mouth.” Ned sipped his coffee to punctuate his statement, making That Face that made Ryan want to slap him. 

“You say that like I’d ever want to suck off a theatre kid.”

“Ryan, considering a month ago you had a crush on—”

“I swear to god if you say it I will end you.”

He stopped recording there, choosing to save his pride at least a little bit by cropping out the part of them talking about sucking Shane’s dick. Yeah, maybe he _did_ want to, but nobody had to know that much.

“Ryan you need to pimp your Instagram.”

He looked up from his phone at Eugene with one eyebrow raised. “Excuse me?”

“Well, you want Madej to like you, right? Post some pics of you looking fine as hell to make him thirst over you.”

“I look like I just woke up from a Rip Van Winkle nap, no thank you.”

“I have clothes in my trunk that you can wear.”

Ryan rolled his eyes at Eugene, trying to hide the fact that he very much wanted to post pictures just to get Shane to like him. Ouch, he’s really that desperate, huh? “Do I actually have a choice in this?”

“No, not really.”

“Fine. But in exchange I get a whole hour of free Yell About Shane Time for the next week.”

“Ehh, an hour’s pushing the envelope a bit.”

“I’m gonna use one of my minutes right now. He read my message a minute ago and still hasn’t answered me. What if he hates me! Oh wait, nevermind, he’s typing, I retract that minute.”

_Sorry, Obi got mad at me and yelled until I gave him water. However, it’s entirely your fault for having such a perverted mind that you’d automatically start thinking about my dick_

_What business do you even have with this pp? Hm? _

_well i’m obviously trying to calculate how big ur dad’s dick is so i know if its too big_

_Literally what the fuck Ryan. Why are we friends._

_awww we’re friends?_

_I mean we have to be considering we’ve been talking about my penis for the past few minutes _

_oh yeah, ig we should talk about something different then._

_Like what,_ your _penis?_

_my penis does, in fact, come with its hat, thank you very much_

_I didn’t want to know that! _

_then why did you bring it up_

_YOU’RE THE ONE WHO KEEPS TALKING ABOUT OUR DICKS!!!!! _

_hey man i’m just following the flow of the conversation_

_oh brb_

_i have to come with eugene to make some *illegal purchases* bc i look more like a 21 year old than ned_

_ned is like a baby_

_ You’re too short to pass as a young adult _

_leave me alone, not everybody can be a fucking half giant_

_goddamn son of hagrid is what you are_

_That would make me a quarter giant_

_stop bullying me!!! you know i can’t do math!!!!!_

_i’m the worst asian son ever :(_

_Wait Ryan you were literally at a party last night. Are you not hungover?_

_no i definitely am_

_...And you and Eugene are buying more alcohol?_

_omg way to leave a record of our illegal activity. you’d be the worst criminal ever_

_1, I’d be an excellent criminal, thank you very much_

_2, Why are you going to drink more if you’re LITERALLY STILL HUNGOVER_

_How are you an alcoholic 40 year old man at 17 years old?_

_18_

_You’re avoiding the subject _

_sorry mom. did u wanna come with_

_You’re literally giving me gray hairs Ryan_

_…so is that a no_

_S m h_

_Under other circumstances it’d be a yes but I’m actually trying to do the trig homework and not fail the class_

_there was trig homework?!_

_oops!_

“Ryan, come _on!_ You can be a lovesick, boy-crazy fifteen year old girl later, we have to go inside.” Eugene was already halfway out of the car, Ned frowning as he tried to get a good song to play.

“Hey! I am _not_ boy crazy.”

“So you admit you’re lovesick?”

Ryan pouted and got out of the car, closing the door of the dark purple jeep with an unnecessary slam. “Shane was yelling at me for getting more alcohol while I’m still hungover.”

“Oh, we’re not actually getting alcohol. I’m gonna get some snacks, but we gotta have a chat.”

“Ouch, you lied to me?” He held open the door to the 7-11 for Eugene, following him as he scanned the aisles of tangible obesity. “Can we get a bag of kettle corn?”

“You seriously want more popcorn? Wasn’t that your entire dinner yesterday?”

“It’s the least you owe me after you lied like I’m some gullible child.”

“You know who eats popcorn for dinner? Children.”

“Hey! Children _and_ Emotionally Unstable Gays! Don’t under represent my community.”

“Oh, speaking of,” Eugene grabbed the giant bag of popcorn Ryan had been begging for and tossed it blindly behind him, assuming Ryan would catch. “You are such a hopeless mess right now. Like, this crush on Madej went from you just staring at him wishing he’d kiss you, to you completely lacking the ability to think of anything but him, and you’ve only been talking to each other for what, a week? Get a grip Ry.”

“But Eugene! Have you fucking _looked_ at him? He just— ugh, sometimes he’ll just smile at me, and I can’t even function. He’s so smart and really funny and he called me cute earlier this week and I just… argh!”

Eugene was silent a few minutes, looking at Ryan as they moved through 7-11, amassing junk as they went. “You really like him that much?”

“Yeah, dude. I don’t know what it is about him, but I haven’t felt this way since… ever, actually.”

“Hm. Good luck. You’re gonna need it.”

They dropped the conversation there, Ryan grabbed a pack of low calorie monster energy, and he physically restrained himself from texting Shane until he was back in Eugene’s car.

 _ugh. eugene lied to me, we didn’t get alcohol. he wanted to talk to me without ned being… himself_

_but i got popcorn and monster!!!!_

**_Ryan sent an image_ **

He sent Shane a picture of him holding up the white can, his smile way more enthusiastic than necessary. He hoped Shane wouldn’t notice he was wearing his glasses.

_I don’t condone you drinking monster, but since that’s better than GETTING DRUNK WHILE YOU’RE STILL HUNGOVER, I’ll let it slide_

_heheheh ur so worried_

_Yeah, whatever_

_Btw your glasses make you look cute. Why don’t you wear them?_

Ryan choked on his drink when he got that text, accidentally spitting it everywhere. Eugene looked back over his shoulder at the commotion, ceasing his empty bickering with Ned. “Ryan! Why the fuck did you just spit Monster Energy all over my fucking car!? Clean it up!”

“He— Shane— he said that I look, glasses, ahh!! Glass Cute!”

“Ryan can you say that one more time in English?” Ned asked, raising an eyebrow at his struggling friend.

“Shane told him that his glasses look cute.” Eugene translated, his eyes now focused on the road again.

“How the fuck did you understand that!”

“Guys! What do I say to that! I can’t— I can’t even, what do I do!”

“Calm the fuck down Ryan. You’ve talked to humans before.”

“I haven’t been called cute by a goddamn angel before though!”

_Was that too gay? Sorry lmao_

“Oh shit, he’s backpedaling, I took too long!”

“Fucking respond to him already, Ryan,” Eugene yelled at him.

 _nah, i’d say the perfect amount of gay_

_don’t you also wear glasses?_

_I mean, yeah. I always feel like I look dumb in them, though_

_i don’t think it’s possible for u to look dumb_

_B e t_

_yeah bitch, bet! send pics_

_(not of ur long schlong)_

_R Y A N _

**_Mr. Crayola sent an image_ **

Ryan’s phone buzzed with a picture of Shane giving him a thumbs down, clear frames adorned and a stupidly adorable pout on his face.

 _ha i win, what do i get_

_Like hell you do!_

_sorry dude but i’m currently in awe at how u think those make you look dumb and not like, hot af_

“I accidentally called him hot?”

Ned turned around in his seat to look at Ryan’s face, holding his coffee that was now 80% water in his hands, still hopefully gulping it down. “How do you _accidentally_ call someone hot?”

“I don’t know! It just _happened!”_

“Jesus Christ, you’re an entire disaster, Ryan.”

Shane didn’t let him panic for long before he send a reply that would sit heavy in Ryan’s mind for the rest of the day.

_I could say the same to you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> she was short but dw bc the next chapter's uhhh thrice the length of this one. I hope y'all enjoyed this one, it only gets exponentially cuter from here. message me on tumblr at trash-lez!!! I love having new friends
> 
> *edit: reread it, realized there were some major grammar issues and things getting fucked up with the underlining/italicizing. i formally apologize to anyone who read before i fixed that lol


	3. Take Me to Your Bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He nudged Ryan when he did, a small smile on his face that Ryan was sure he couldn't even buy with a million dollars. "I'm glad you didn't die on your way to school, you big idiot."
> 
> "I'm glad you didn't choke on coffee and die, you tiny idiot."

_hey, daddy longlegs, you got an ice pack?_ _  
_ _  
_ _First of all,_ please _don't call me daddy. Second of all... why?_ _  
__  
_ _i just got my ass completely handed to me on a silver platter by that trig test_ _  
_ _  
_ _Aw shit, I just ate my last ice pack_ _  
__  
_ _ur so fucking weird shane_ _  
_ _  
_ _Mean!!! I guess that's just the jock in you, huh?_ _  
__  
_ _i'm offended, madej. the only jock in me is lebron james._ _  
_ _  
_ _Didn't realize you're a bottom, Bergara_ _  
__  
_ Ryan had to take a break from texting because he really didn't need his brain to go there this early in the morning. He was suddenly glad that Ned was the one who got the front seat in the mornings, because his face was _definitely_ a bit redder than normal. He almost wanted to say _shit, you right, I'm the biggest fucking bottom you'll ever meet_ , but then be remembered that he wants to have at least a tiny bit of dignity left. And even if his chances with Shane were slim at best, he also didn't really want to go _hahaha that was a joke bro, I am sooooo fucking straight, I'm gettin pussy left and right dude._ He figured that would probably be a turn off.

He eventually decided on an answer, though, shooting back, _why would you wanna know, madej?_ _  
_   
He really hoped his comment affected Shane in a certain way. He'd like to think it did, even though the logical part of him knew that Shane most definitely thought they were just joking around. Like, he and _Ned_ would make jokes about having sex, The Epitome of Straight Man (even if 90% of the time he was joking about having sex with Ned’s mom, sometimes he threw that in there for laughs), so it obviously wasn't absolutely, 100%, without a doubt definitive flirting. Ryan did his best not to think about the fact that he inadvertently admitted he was a bottom by not denying it. Oh well.   
  
_...Science?_ _  
__  
_ _mmm, i just think ur in luv with this juicy assssss_ _  
_

_Shit, you got me! I've fallen madly in love and the only way I could convey it was by making fun of you. I've been caught!_ _  
__  
_ _shut the fuck up u god damn nerd_ _  
_ _  
_ _Make me_ _  
__  
_ _i will._ _  
_ _  
_ _How so?_ _  
_  
At this point Ryan truly couldn't take it, and as his best friend pulled into line at the Dunkin Donuts drive thru, he blurted out, "Eugene. Crush. Help. Now."   
  
He could see the look on both his friends' faces, and the way they turned to each other with some smugness in their eyes, but he needed them _right this very fucking second so help him god—_ _  
_   
"Read me the texts Ryan." So Ryan recounted the whole iMessage Saga, starting at the _jock in me_ comment. Ryan was so thankful he didn't have on read receipts in that moment, because he'd be genuinely dead if Shane saw how long he took to answer. "How bold are you feeling?"   
  
Eugene's voice practically yanked him out of that thought process, and he had to think for a second. Ryan _was_ a big idiot gay with Dumb Thot Disease, but he could also feel Shane was at least partially flirting. It scared him, though. Ryan's not a bold person— his exes would assure you of that. "Not very at all. Like on a scale from 1-10, a 3.5."   
  
Eugene hummed and thought for .7 seconds before he answered. "If you're feelin' good, say 'wait and see,' but because you're a pussy and can't be forward, you should say something like 'you'd like to know, wouldn't you?' That's still very Ryan, but also playful."   
  
Ryan took his advice word for word, desperately trying to type out his response because it's already been two minutes.   
  
_you'd like to know, wouldn't you?_ _  
_ _  
_ _You thought hard on your plan, huh?_ _  
__  
_ _you wish. i was giving eugene my coffee order and begging him to buy me food._ _  
_ _  
_ _ And here I was thinking I was special :( _ _  
_ _  
_ _once again: you wish._ _  
_ _  
_ _ I'm offended to my core. You're making me regret texting while driving. _ _  
_ _  
_ _YOURE TEXTING WHILE DRIVING SHANE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANNA DIE_ _  
_ _  
_ _I don't have a death wish per say, but it'd be interesting to see what happens. Also, I type without looking, so like dw_ _  
_ _  
_ _IM GOING TO WORRY YOU PISSBAG!! GET OFF YOUR FUCKIGN PHONE!!!!!!!! IM GONNA STOP ANSWERING YOO nOW_ _  
_ _  
_ _Noooo Ryan please, I'm sooooo bored, both of my idiot friends left me because Zach is sick (as always) and Keith got invited to ditch with the girl he's madly in love with and smoke weed_ _  
_ _  
_ _i never get invited to ditch school and smoke weed :(_ _  
_ _  
_ _Wanna ditch school and smoke weed tomorrow?_ _  
__  
_ _like you'd either skip school_ _  
_ _  
_ _I might make an exception for someone..._ _  
_  
Ryan was entirely sure if his heart beat any faster, it would probably tear through his chest and launch itself onto Ned's lap, still beating like a fucking vibrator.   
  
_like who?_ _  
_ _  
_ _ Fried rice. _ _  
_   
He laughed so hard he choked on his coffee (iced coffee, no sugar, almond milk) and ended up getting it all over himself. He snapped a pic of the damage (coffee in hand, _obviously_ , gotta flex on 'em broke bitches) and sent it to Shane.   
  
_look what you just did to me. i can't believe you'd be so rude as to make me laugh. fucking monster._ _  
_ _  
_ _I could do a lot worst to you._ _  
__  
_ _like?_ _  
_   
Ryan audibly groaned as that stupid fucking gray bubble sat, mocking him, in place of Shane's sarcastic or witty or too-flirty text message. "What did he say this time?"   
  
"'I could do a lot worse to you.' Does he want me to die on the spot? Like, I'm literally going to have a heart attack, and it's all Shane’s fucking fault."   
  
_You'd like to know, wouldn't you?_ _  
__  
_ _um, yeah, that's kinda why i asked nerd_ _  
_ _  
_ _ Oh, right, I forgot I was talking to a literal child for a second _ _  
_ _  
_ _ewwww you wanna 'do things' to children?_ _  
_ _  
_ _hold on a sec, i gotta go call cps, i'll be back soon_ _  
_   
"I wormed my way out of it with my _amazing_ sense of humour!"   
  
"That's not how you're gonna get your mans, but I'm proud of you anyways."   
  
Ryan grinned at Eugene, and the smile returned on his friends face was visible in the rear view mirror. Today was going to be a good day.

 

* * *

  
He walked into first period feeling a bit happier than normal. He was wearing black Lakers shorts on and one of his many basketball sweatshirts, hands in his pockets when he slumped down into his seat next to Shane, crossed his feet on the desk, and pulled out his materials for class. Shane looked up from his phone, amused, and put his own feet up. He nudged Ryan when he did, a small smile on his face that Ryan was sure he couldn't even buy with a million dollars.

"I'm glad you didn't die on your way to school, you big idiot," Ryan said, words inconsistent with his tone of voice.  
  
"I'm glad you didn't choke on coffee and die, you tiny idiot," Shane answered, in much the same way.  
  
Ryan stuck his tongue out at Shane, ever the adult, who stuck his tongue out back at him and they both laughed at the situation, the way you do at 7 in the morning where every little thing is just a bit too funny. "For real though, what went through your head when you were like, 'yeah, let me just have a full fledged conversation with this thot while _driving a fucking car?'"_ _  
_   
Shane shrugged, and it made Ryan wanna slap him. Or kiss him. Probably kiss him. "I weighed the pros of texting Ryan Bergara against the cons of potentially dying to something so not-epic like that, and made my decision."   
  
Ryan sputtered around for a bit, sure his face was heating up. The worst part was Shane was totally amused by it, judging from that smug look of satisfaction all across his face. He finally managed to get something out, though, which is good. "We don't use the e-word in my household."   
  
Shane still had that stupid fucking smirk on his face. "My apologies, Mom Bergara."   
  
And at that, the lesson started. 

 

* * *

  
  
Reading Medea with Shane as the lead was, quite frankly, a wild fucking ride. He completely stepped into the character, only becoming a shell of who was once Shane Madej, but is now a Woman on a Mission— one ending in murder (Ryan's been working on his dramatic trailer reviews of mundane things). Ryan wasn’t acting today, thank god for that, but he did get to watch Shane talk to the Chorus about his plans for murder, which was genuinely off putting. It looked like he was coming up with it off the top of his head, even though the words were on the sheet of paper directly in front of all of them.  The period always went by way too quickly for Ryan’s liking. He’d spend the whole day watching Shane be his loud, overdramatic self if he could. That sentiment was totally unrelated to the wave of dread that washed over him when the bell rang, and the realization that he’d have to listen to his main man Fried Rice fort the next forty minutes smacked him in the head.

After the weekend, when he and Shane started talking to each other like it was nothing, Shane started walking with Ryan to US Gov. They were already all the way up to Thursday, and it had become enough of a routine that instead of walking all the way to Ryan's classroom with him, Jen walked with them until she got to her locker and left "those two little scamps alone." The thing was, Jen and Shane actually got along _really_ well. It made something in Ryan's heart beat quickly, that stupid teenager brain of his screaming about how well their lives could intertwine. But he shouldn't think like that.   
  
He nudged Shane's shoulder as a silence fell over them, who nudged him back, quickly developing into a war of them playfully shoving each other around. However, it ended really quickly when Ryan pushed Shane and he nearly knocked into a teacher, who looked more terrified than Ryan seeing a tap dancing ghost bear. "Oh my god, I can't believe you just did that to this poor woman."   
  
Shane looked utterly flabbergasted at Ryan's accusation, his hands flailing as he stuttered around for his sentence. "I didn't— you— I was _pushed_ , Ryan, _you_ pushed me into that teacher!"   
  
Ryan shook his head and hummed in fake sympathy. "I understand why she was so scared. She just saw some giant boy man hurtling towards her."   
  
"Oh, fuck you Ryan."   
  
"I know you'd love to."   
  
"You wish Bergara."   
  
"Eh." Ryan shook his hand in a so-so motion at that, fighting back a smile. Shane pushed Ryan one last time, and they walked into US gov together without another word.   
  


* * *

  
Shane and Ryan had started sitting next to each other in trig yesterday; the empty spot next to Ryan in the back had been calling his name for a while, and when he dropped his backpack on the floor and slid in the seat for the second day in a row, Ryan was entirely unable to keep that dumb smile off his face. He stopped smiling immediately, though, when he looked up and saw those dreaded words in red all caps.   
  
**_TEST NEXT FRIDAY!!! :)_ **   
  
"This is it. I'm flunking out of school." Ryan spoke with no emotion in his voice, soul already departed from his body.

Shane followed his line of sight, registered the comment, then had the audacity to laugh at Ryan's misery. "If you want I can help you study. I'm pretty good with this unit."   
  
Ryan looked over at Shane now, assessing the situation. A free pass to hang out with Shane? He'd be crazy to say no. "Oh my god, you have no idea how much I need it. I don't understand math even slightly."   
  
"Maybe in exchange for my unmatched mathematical skill, you can lend me some of your athletic prowess."   
  
Ryan raised an eyebrow at Shane, now resting his cheek on his fist, propped up against the desk. "You wanna go to the gym 3 times a week and go to sports practice every day in the winter?"   
  
Shane made a disgusted face and pretended to gag. Such a drama queen. "I think I might have to pass on that."   
  
"Okay, little miss theatre kid."   
  
He pointed a finger at Ryan as he spoke with mock anger. "Do _not_ insult theatre until you at least go to a show."   
  
"Is that an invitation?"   
  
"It's a threat."   
  
"Wait, where's the threatening part? You're kinda losin' me dude, it's hard to feel threatened by the guy outside a carwash."   
  
Shane rolled his eyes. Mission: successful. "My threat is that if you bully me for being a theatre kid, yet you've never seen any shows, I will not hesitate to rip your intestines out and use them to string a guitar."   
  
Ryan smiled, contradictory to the graphic offer. "You're using my Creative Insult Formula. I'm so proud." He pretended to wipe tears from his eyes, saying some shit about how _they grow up so fast._ _  
_   
"I'm gonna use this belt soon if you don't stop being an ass."   
  
"Oh, I'll show you ass—"   
  
Ryan was about to stand up but their math teacher wanted to start the lesson, cutting his plans short. Such a shame.   
  
Luckily for Ryan, they finished today's lesson early, leaving about five minutes before they went home for the day. He sat on top of Shane's desk with his legs crossed, resting his head in his palms. "So are you serious about helping me with math?"   
  
"Oh, absolutely!"   
  
Ryan didn't expect Shane to be genuinely enthusiastic about it. It was... nice. A good change of pace from all the teasing and meaningless insult. "That's good! Are you uh... do you wanna come over tomorrow after school?"   
  
"Yeah! Sure, that's— that sounds good!" Shane had this weird little smile on his face, and Ryan could swear his cheeks were pinker than they'd been before they started talking. Adorable. "I have— I've got, uh, I have a car, if you want me to drive us."   
  
"Yeah, that sounds like good... sorry that's not English." Ryan laughed at himself, but then realized... Shane is the smoothest talking motherfucker he's ever met. This kid rarely ever falters, unless he's getting worked up over something. He had a bit of a sly smirk on his face when he made that revelation. "Am I the only person to ever leave Shane Madej unable to speak?"   
  
"Shut up before I push you off that desk."   
  


* * *

  
Friday went by in a blur, as it always does. Ryan _finally_ has a project for video production— he'll probably find people to act in it this weekend— and he mainly fucked around or slept during all his classes. There was excitement bubbling in his chest all day, obviously, and it became stronger as the periods went by, leading up to ninth. He didn't even pay attention to the lesson, just wrote down the notes he needed to write and doodled bullshit in his math book. It was a truly creative scene: an alien flipping him off, saying _"me toma a tu puta"_ (take me to your bitch). He stood in front of an explosion, and behind that, a crumbling city skyline that was also on fire. In the air, fighter jets and UFO's were battling, and one of the UFO's was abducting the president. That UFO was being driven by Michele Obama and Samuel L. Jackson.   
  
His phone buzzed with a notification, and as discreetly as he could, he opened a Snapchat from _Mr. Noodle._ It was a video that first zoomed in on Ryan's drawing, then his face, captioned _hard at work or hardly working?_ _  
_  
He tried not to laugh, instead taking a sneaky picture of Shane, the text saying _do your work madej, you're gonna have to reteach all this to me later_ _  
_  
He watched Shane's face as he opened the message, hiding his dopey, lovesick smile behind his hand as he looked a little bit too long at Shane. And because Ryan was _unbelievably_ bored, he carefully tore out the part of the book with his masterpiece, signed it at the bottom, and left a little message there, just for kicks.   
  
_to: my fav White Boy. hope the aliens dont take you! xx_ _  
_  
He was feeling annoying enough that when their teacher turned his back, Ryan leaned over and put it right on top of where he was writing. He expected annoyance, some kind of humourous comment, maybe even Shane jokingly ignoring him, but Ryan watched his eyes, the way they took in everything slowly, saw the small smile on his face grow by the centimeter. He looked... fond. It suited him.  
  
Ryan, however, doesn't understand how to deal with feelings, so he took a picture on snap and typed out quickly: _tried asking him to keep his hands of the merchandise. madej wont stop touching the artwork. gonna have to kick him out of my gallery_ _  
_  
Their teacher stopped the lesson halfway through, telling them all to finish it for their homework tonight, but Ryan didn't pay attention to a single word. He heard Shane's phone buzz with the notification of his snap, but Shane didn't even look at it, still taking in the scrap of paper. "'Take me to your bitch?' Also, 'to my fave White Boy?' I'm truly honoured to be your favourite, but I don't think I count as like, a White Boy Trademarked or anything like that. I'm too gay, so it's gotta cancel out somewhere."  
  
Their classmates were all packing up now, the expected noise of ninth period on a Friday flooding the room, masking Shane's words so they were kept between the two of them. Not that it was a surprise _—_ Ryan had already known Shane liked guys. As horrible as it seemed, it was common knowledge around the school that Shane was gay. Ryan wondered if Shane could tell he was into guys, too? "Eh, I don't know, you're pretty white, but I guess you get minority points, so you're not a full fledged white boy."  
  
"Nice. Moving up in the ranks!"   
  
"Yeah, okay, you nerd."   
  
" _This_ nerd is gonna save your ass on that test next week, so you better change your tone mister."  
  
"Sorry, dad."   
  
"Ryan, I— I literally told you _yesterday morning_ not to call me that!"   
  
"You told me not to call you _daddy,_ you said nothing about dad."  
  
"I can't be your dad. Too many abuse reports could be made against me."  
  
"So you admit that you're a bully who brings me down emotionally and physically harms me on a regular basis?"   
  
Shane shook his head and slung his backpack over his shoulder. "You're even more dramatic than _me_ sometimes, Ryan. That says something."   
  
"Whatever. Where's your car?"  
  


* * *

  
"So, I still have to bring home Zach and Keith, but also like, I'm a hundred percent sure you guys will get along. We usually go and meet them by Zach's locker. You cool with that?"   
  
"I love meeting new people, are you kidding me? I'm like, collecting friends in a jar."   
  
"Creepy. Not sure if I wanna let you near my friends anymore."   
  
"You couldn't get rid of me even if you wanted to, Shane." Ryan noticed how Shane didn’t argue that point.   
  
They got to Zach's locker, and Ryan realized he totally knows both of these people from seeing them around school. Zach's even in his video production class. They were both joking loudly, Keith's voice about eight decibels over what a normal person should speak at. They didn't even seem to notice Shane and Ryan until the former spoke up. "Hey sluts, this is Ryan."   
  
"You're so nice to your friends, Shane. I'm almost jealous."   
  
Zach's eyes practically _lit up_ and he smiled wide at Ryan. "Oh! _You're_ Ryan! I—" Zach stopped talking when Keith punched him in the shoulder, earning an overdramatic reaction. _So this is what it's like to hang out with theatre kids._ "Oh my god, Shane, did you see that? Ryan, please tell me you witnessed the abuse, the— the _assault!_ Are you just going to stand by and let me be thrown around like some dog toy? Do your part, speak up against bullying—"   
  
"Zach, I'm going to punch you so hard your ego will finally be smaller than you, you fucking Leo." Shane said.   
  
Keith rolled his eyes at both of them, and Ryan was glad to report that when he spoke his voice had gone down quite a bit (but was still way louder than necessary). "Yeah, okay, while these dickheads keep being immature, I'm Keith. It's nice to meet you, Ryan."   
  
"It's nice to meet your muscles, too!" Zach added, bursting into a fit of giggles afterwards.   
  
Shane put his head in his hands with an over exaggerated groan. "You're like the grandma in Mulan."   
  
"Holy shit! That means I'm Li Shang!" Ryan was way more excited than he should've been, the group's intense enthusiasm and energy rubbing off on him (#extrovertproblems). "Is Shane my Mulan?"   
  
"Hell yeah I'm Mulan! Like, okay, yeah, you're a general, but you're just the _son_ of somebody more important. Me? I'm a badass woman! I drowned the fucking Huns in snow! I spat in the face of gender roles and sexism, and I got offered a place in the emperor's court! What did _you_ do? Checkmate."   
  
"Okay but I'm like 20 years old, blatantly bisexual, and one of the sexiest Asians ever portrayed in media. Like, have you _seen_ those muscles? I'm pretty sure if they ever made a live action movie I'd fall in love with him."   
  
"You seem like you're already in love with him." Shane pushed Ryan's shoulder a little bit, and who was Ryan to disagree?   
  
"I honestly have no counter to that."   
  
"So, what, you're in love with yourself? Shane, why are you gonna make us hang out with a narcissist?" Keith asked as he pulled out a bag of goldfish that was, interestingly enough, hanging out in Zack's locker.   
  
The aforementioned slammed the locker and muttered, "Yeah, we had enough of that when you went out with The Unnamed Guy."   
  
Keith elbowed Zach a bit harder than what should be considered friendly, but Shane didn't look bothered. "Zach, I won't hesitate to bring up Diaper Girl—"   
  
"Oh my god, Shane, we've been over this, I didn't _know_ she wore diapers! I was in seventh grade! We broke up when she told me that!"   
  
"Mmm, I don't know. What do you think, Bergara? It sounds like Zach has a thing for girls in diapers."   
  
"Sorry, I will only be responding to Li Shang from now on."   
  
"Alright, don't pride yourself too much on that thing. You've got a ways to go before you have his muscles."   
  
"Are you kidding me? I'm swole as _fuck!_ I could do twice as much impressive shit he does in half the time, no doubt about it."   
  
Shane raised an eyebrow, and with one word, summoned a wave of Sexual Tension. "Bet."   
  
It took Ryan a second or two to respond, but Keith and Zach looked like they were about to pop a bowl of popcorn to watch this conversation, and he didn't exactly wanna give them the satisfaction of getting front row seats to The Gun Show (or really, the I Desperately Want to Impress Shane Madej and Will Consequently Do Whatever He Asks Show). "You really want me to like, what, rip off my shirt and pull a Make a Man Out of You montage in the hallway?"   
  
"I won't complain!" Zach interjected, not giving Shane a chance to speak. "I wanna see Muscles Bergara in person!"   
  
"Zach, shut up or you have to find a different ride home. Ryan... I'm holding you to that later today."   
  
"You should just carry him!" Keith added, much to Shane's apparent dismay. "I've tried before, that kid is just... there's so _much_ of him! It's impossible!”   
  
"Thanks for the confidence boost, Keith, but I'm not looking to get carried around like a toddler."   
  
"Keith you're holding our backpacks if I'm doing this." Ryan let his backpack slide off his shoulder (yeah, he's a cool kid, he only uses one shoulder strap) as he spoke. Shane looked like they just got the nuclear missile warning, protests of _absolutely not!_ getting drowned out while Zach forced his backpack off his shoulders.   
  
Shane was still complaining when Ryan put on hand under his knees, the other at his back, and instructed Shane to put his arms around his shoulders. "I'm not going to cooperate Ryan! Do _not_ pick me up—" he stopped talking and rushed to loop his arms around Ryan's neck as his feet started leaving the floor. Ryan readjusted his grip, turned around to face Shane's friends, and said, "Alright, where's this nerd's car?"   
  
Zach's phone had been out, documenting the entire process, which didn't bother Ryan nearly as much as it should've. He flashed a smile and a wink for the camera, letting Keith lead the way to Shane's car. They got through the doors before Shane realized Ryan wasn't putting him down anytime soon, and interestingly enough, he finally relaxed and leaned into the touch. When he laid his head on Ryan's shoulder, he just couldn't stop the grin on his face, nor could he prevent the inevitable pink that dusted his cheeks. "I am thoroughly impressed, Ryan Bergara."   
  
"Am I better than Li Shang yet?"   
  
"Only because I didn't have to walk to my car." Ryan really wanted to kiss him right then. It was truly a perfect moment. But instead, he just pretended to drop Shane, which made him yell in surprise before he started laughing. "You're such a dick! I can't believe I'm going to spend the next couple of hours with a bully."   
  
"This bully is literally carrying your life in his hands, so I'd be nicer if I were you."   
  
"Whatever. Put me in my car you egghead.” Keith and Zach were already in the car— interestingly enough, both sitting in the back seat. Ryan's dumb, but he's not stupid. He could tell from the way that Keith and Zach have been joking that maybe... Shane feels the same about him?   
  
He shouldn't jump to conclusions, though. Right?   
  
Ryan got into the front seat, and it turns out Shane had been right— he and his friends got along surprisingly well. Zach forced Shane to put on his favourite band— Vampire Weekend, who Shane assures Ryan his friend could write essays about— and Ryan admitted he also listened to them frequently, leading to a highly energized discussion about vocals and lyrics and the emotion behind the instrumentals. Shane and Keith both complained complained about how they're nerds, so of _course_ they had to keep going. Then Zach mentioned their music videos, and Ryan basically went Sicko Mode and let his film nerd flag fly free.   
  
“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to make Shane watch Oxford Comma! He’s always like,” Zach made sure to pitch his voice down an entire octave for his imitation of Shane, “‘Why would I watch a video of people pretending to sing a song? I could be spending these four minutes doing work, becuase I, a Busy Busy Nerd Boy, love to do science and history things.’ Like, what the fuck is his problem?” ****  
****

“I just don’t fucking get it! Why do I wanna watch people do music if I’m not at a concert or something?” Shane cut in. ** **  
****

Ryan completely ignored Shane’s addition, instead eagerly taking the invitation to gush about the directing style and the editing of Oxford Comma, among other songs. That conversation went on for a while, but at a time that neither of them could really pinpoint, they started discussing movies (really, they were discussing cinematography, but close enough), which let Shane and Keith finally get involved. There was this sort of beautiful conversation going on between all of them about the best movies, to which they set up three criteria: cinematic art, acting, and plot/writing. They went through everything from Kill Bill to Infinity War to Perks of Being a Wallflower to, interestingly enough, The Titanic. They were all so invested in the conversation that they almost didn't realize when it was time for Keith to get out of the car. The tone in the small space shifted, and Keith almost seemed awkward, nearly appeared to be at a loss of words. "It was cool talking to you, Ryan. Treat my boy right!"   
  
He was out of the car before Shane could hit him, though he came close, and Zach took the opportunity to scoot to the middle of the seat, head resting in his hands, elbows on his knees. "Soooo Ryan, now that Mr. Crabby Habby is out the car, we can talk about Vampire Weekend agai—"   
  
"Zach Andrew Kornfeld, if you start talking about them again I will not hesitate to drive into oncoming traffic."   
  
"Bet." Zach poked Ryan in the arm, doing a bad job of whispering: "What's better, Modern Vampires or Contra?"   
  
"Oh, no question about it, gotta be Contr—"   
  
"Ryan I'm going to make you get out of my car if you finish that sentence, I swear the fuck to god."   
  
Zach elbowed Ryan at his next sentence, obviously thinking whatever he was about to say was going to be some Top Notch Humour. "You're gay, god doesn't love you."   
  
"Oh shit! Fuckin' get 'em, Zach!" Ryan high fived him, all while Shane looked just about ready to slam his head into the steering wheel.   
  
"Remind me to never put you guys in a room together ever again."   
  
"You're so mean Shane. Maybe I should hang out with Zach instead of you. Hey Zach, are you good at trig?"   
  
"Kind of? But your music is cool! We could totally throw on an album, brew some tea—"   
  
"I'd appreciate it if you two planned date night somewhere else!" Ryan almost got genuinely worried that Shane was upset until he looked at his face, and saw the small smile there. Dramatic cunt.   
  
Zach looked super smug, tilting his head to the side where it still rested between his hands. “Aww, you worried I'm gonna steal Ryan from you? I know I'm like, seventy times more charming, but no need to worry Sir Shane Alexander Madej! I shan't fraternize with the enemy."   
  
"You're so fucking dumb. I can't believe _you're_ my best friend." Shane turned around to point a finger at Zach, and Ryan just sat back, losing his shit at the pair of friends. "Oh gee! Look at that! We reached your house in _record time!_ Now get outta my car."   
  
Zach giggled, made a big deal out of saying bye to Ryan, and promised he'd harass Shane for his number so they could text about bands another time. When the door finally slammed shut, Shane exhaled long and deep. Contrary to all the joking, he looked genuinely exasperated, and Ryan didn't know what else to do aside from put a hand on Shane's shoulder and grip it firmly. "You alright there big guy?"   
  
"Yeah, I'm good. My friends are just... they're a lot. I love 'em, I really do, but they're... I..." Shane was truly at a loss for words, and Ryan wouldn't've been able to make fun of him in that moment even if he tried.   
  
"I understand Shane. Really, I do. And... anything they said, none of it changes my opinion of you. I like your friends a lot, I'm glad I got to meet them."   
  
Shane breathed out deeply again, this time laughing a bit towards the end of the heavy breath. "That's good to hear, at least. I'm glad you're not like, overwhelmed by them being... well, themselves."   
  
"Just wait until you meet Ned, Jen and Eugene." Ryan realized he was implying they'd be getting to know all of each others' friends, but Shane gave him a shy smile, and Ryan couldn't find it in himself to regret what he said.   
  
"Alright. Directions to your house?"


	4. No Exceptions, Only Babies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By the time he sat down, Dori was jumping all around, unable to place her excitement at being pet by Shane. "Dori needs some fuckin' Xanax," Ryan commented, laying down with about an inch of space between him and Shane. "I should let her have a hit of my tank."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: f slur (used jokingly, but in case that’s triggering for some people, it’s briefly in the text conversations), mentions of not entirely consensual kissin and stuff, being pressured into having sex in the past (he didn’t actually Do the Dirty tho, dw)

Shane had let Ryan connect his music to the car, so long as he promised not to play "that motherfucking band Zachary can't shut up about." Shane certainly seemed surprised when he put on Hozier's new album. They'd never really gotten into a discussion about their music taste, Ryan had really just assumed Shane listened to Broadway soundtracks and indie music, because he definitely seemed like that kind of guy. Maybe Shane didn't expect Ryan to be the kind of guy to listen to Vampire Weekend and Hozier and other soft alternative or bizarre indie bands.   
  
It seemed to be that Ryan exceeded a lot of Shane's expectations. Although he could understand why. He didn't exactly fit into any societal boxes, nor did he try to appear like it. Anybody who talked to Ryan for more than a minute could tell that much. And though he understood Shane's surprise at him having a contradicting mess of a personality (see also: being a person with a complex personality and not fitting yourself into different identities, never deviating from said identity even if it makes you unhappy), Ryan couldn't help the small flower of bitterness that blossomed deep in his heart.   
  
That seed had been planted long ago, sure. Planted by all the kids in ninth grade who called him gay when he wore a pink sweatshirt to school, planted by the kids in his AP classes surprised to see a star sports player in advanced classes, planted by the kids in all his film classes who couldn't believe Ryan Bergara, MVP of Schaumburg High Basketball, the big muscly popular kid with countless friends, also was able to appreciate art. And it was watered when all of those people expected different of him before they even spoke to him.   
  
Maybe Ryan spoke up because he was sick of people shoving him into boxes when he's too much of a person to fit into any of them, when his potential obviously exceeds any sort of confinement. Maybe he finally got fed up of always having everything about himself assumed before anybody even bothered to ask. But he knew that wasn't it— at least, not entirely. He also knew Shane doing what everyone else has done all his life basically dumped fertilizer and shined the brightest sunshine on the bud of bitterness that was not yet a beautiful flower; he knew it was because he cared way too much about what Shane thought about him.   
  
"I know I'm not what everybody expects." Ryan looked out the window when he spoke, watching a very light rain pick up. He could see Shane look over out of the corner of his eye, but he didn't trust himself enough to make eye contact.   
  
"What do you mean, Ryan?"   
  
"I mean, like... I know you didn't expect me to be who I am. Nobody does. I get that you just expected me to be Ryan Bergara, the Basketball Star who has all the friends and gets drunk or high or both over weekends, who can't appreciate art or be smart or do _anything_ that doesn't require muscles, because what kid who cares about fitness could be any of that? And I understand that you're surprised when I like music like this, or when I get into conversations with your friends about cinematography and lyricism, or when I, I don't know, get enthusiastic over Mulan and my deep love for Li Shang. I get it, really."   
  
Shane stopped at a red light and looked at Ryan like he grew another head in the time his eyes were trained on the road. "Are you fucking brain damaged, Ryan? That's the biggest load of horse shit I've ever heard, and I've watched fucking Ghost Hunters before—"   
  
"Don't you dare diss that franchise—"   
  
"—But... wait, did you call Ghost Hunters a _franchise_ ? Ugh, that's besides the point. Ryan, I didn't have _any_ expectations like that about you. Do you wanna know why I get surprised at all these little details about you?"   
  
Ryan was reluctant to look to his left, and when he did, he was met with the most piercing gaze he's ever seen in his life. He found himself trapped in those eyes, unable to look away, like he was caught in a tractor beam, surrounded by Shane and completely enveloped by his presence. He found himself nodding, but it was like he had somebody else controlling his body.   
  
"It's because I can't believe that you _exist._ I'm totally blown away. I always think, 'wow, Ryan really just _cannot_ get any cooler,' but then I find out you like my favourite swamp witch of a musician," he nodded to the radio, still pumping out the ambient bops of _Wasteland, Baby!_ , "Or that you're also a major kernelhead—"   
  
"Not even a surprise, popcorn is a delicacy."   
  
"—And when you say things like that! I'm just kind of like, in awe that you're a real human and not some robot sent to infiltrate my brain."   
  
"Well, I'm actually a heroin dealer, and I'm trying to gain your trust before I inject you with it in your sleep and get you hooked."   
  
"I regret telling you my biggest fear so much."   
  
They both laughed, and Ryan noticed a shift in the air. It felt lighter, warmer. The impact of water against the windows had been background noise, but it filled the car now, complimented soft guitar and bittersweet harmonies singing both about love and destruction. How fitting.   
  
"At least you don't how weird I actually am. I can keep you from running to the hills a little while longer, I guess." Ryan half-joked.  
  
"Hm? What kinda weird we talking about? Like, drawing anthropomorphic art and wearing fursuits, putting on diapers and having someone spank you while you call them daddy, getting covered in mealworms and—"   
  
"Jesus fucking Christ Shane, remind me to never be in a room alone with you ever again."   
  
"You're about to spend the next few hours with me. Better get used to it!"   
  
"How do I get out of a moving car without dying."   
  
"Oops, too late! We're already on your street! Guess you're under a legal obligation to invite me in."   
  
"I don't have to do shit."   
  
"Oh yes you do. It's a hate crime if you don't!" Shane raised a finger to the air as he raised his voice. He pulled into Ryan's bumpy, uneven driveway in need of some renovating, and Ryan put his face in his hands.   
  
"Oh boy. Do I even want to ask?"   
  
"I am _gay_ , and therefore, if you don't invite me in, you're being homophobic. That's illegal, baby! So I'm coming into your house."   
  
"Shane, not only am I of _two_ racial minorities, but I'm also gay as all hell in a basket, so you have absolutely no standing whatsoever. But I guess since I just accidentally came out to you, you can come in. I can kick you out any time I want if you give me trouble though, Madej."   
  
"I'm honoured."   
  
They both got out and closed the doors. Ryan noticed Shane didn't even lock his car. He wanted to advise Shane to do exactly that, wanted to let him know his neighbourhood probably isn't like Shane's, but it was embarrassing if he was honest. He knew he didn't live in as nice an area as most kids in his school, and he was fine with that, but when he saw Shane taking in his smaller-than-most house, self consciousness seeped into his brain. "Uh— you're not gonna lock your car or anything?"   
  
"Oh, shit! I totally forgot to do that, my apologies."   
  
"You're so dumb, Shane."   
  
"No you."   
  
"Uno reverse card."   
  
"Eh, I can't beat that."   
  
Shane locked his car as Ryan fished through his backpack to find his keychain, because he knew Jake wasn't home yet (probably went to his friend's house for the night). As he unlocked the door and let Shane in, he took off his shoes and shuffled around a bit awkwardly. He saw Shane follow suit in taking off his shoes, but he never stopped looking around. His eyes were taking in everything they could, and Ryan felt like he was sat at an investigation table. "Do you, uh, do you want something to eat or drink? I can totally make like, hot chocolate and popcorn."   
  
"How could I say no to that?"   
  
Ryan smiled at Shane as they went into his kitchen, telling him to sit down anywhere. Shane sat on a stool at his counter, one of the few seats in the kitchen. Ryan hoped Shane didn't notice the only pictures in the house were of him, Jake, and his dad. He hoped Shane didn't notice only three seats at the table are set. He hoped he didn't pay attention to a picture at Disneyland in 2009 that was obviously folded where his mom used to stand.

He heard the familiar scratching of small dogs running as fast as possible across a hardwood floor, and soon enough they were bombarded by Micki and Dori. Dori immediately tried to get Shane's attention, barking up at the unknown man. Ryan picked up Micki and fired up the popcorn maker, observing Shane with Dori. He had gotten off the stool and was now sitting on the floor with her standing in his lap, very much loving the attention Shane was giving. Ryan couldn't help himself— he took a picture just for himself, then a Snapchat, to be sent to two people who mysteriously enough added him on snap right after Zach and Keith had both left the car.   
  
_this dumb bitch comes over to MY house, consumes MY popcorn, and he's playing with my dog instead of helping me pass twelfth grade. unbelievable._ _  
_   
Yeah, maybe it was a bit of an immature emotional investment to make a groupchat consisting of him, Shane, Keith and Zach, but worst case scenario, Shane doesn't like him in That Way, they're a little awkward, but he's still friends with the other two... right? "Ryan, you never told me your dogs are so fucking precious. I would've been at your house every single day after school just to pet them."   
  
"I'm glad you like to hang out with me so much."   
  
Shane frowned up at Ryan from where he sat on the floor. "You seriously cannot believe that you're above dogs."   
  
"Yikes, guess I'll just have to eat all this popcorn by myself."   
  
"No! I was just kidding! I love spending time with you Ryan!"   
  
"I can't believe Shane Madej is so hashtag fake."   
  
"Ryan!"   
  
"Gonna need to send some streaks don't hit me up."   
  
"Ryan pleaseeee, what do I gotta do for your forgiveness."   
  
"Well for starters, now you have to make both of our hot chocolates, maybe serenade me, buy me another dog... or just the hot chocolates and you have to be nice to me for the next week."   
  
"I could, actually." Shane stood up with a certain shine in his eye, and Ryan could _feel_ himself crushing about eighty times harder.  "Serenade you, that is. If you have like, a guitar or piano or something."   
  
"You're barking up the wrong tree pal. Nobody in my family has a single musical bone in their body." Shane seemed to deflate a little, which was a genuinely heart shattering thing to see after he'd been so excited, and Ryan rushed to find some way to correct that. "Invite me to your house some day, though, because I'm totally gonna take you up on that offer."   
  
He regained some of his earlier excitement, which helped to patch Ryan's previously broken heart with some scotch tape. "That's great! We should hang out next week. I—I mean, if you're not busy, or anything."   
  
"Well look at me! Makin' Shane Madej lose his confident composure. I'm touched."   
  
"Shut up Ryan, or I'll retract my offer."   
  
"Like the fuck you will! I'll eat you!"   
  
"Out?"   
  
"No, like I'll cannibalize you."   
  
"Is... is that a verb? Cannibalize?"   
  
"It totally is."   
  
"I don't believe you."   
  
"Hold on." Ryan boiled water and pulled out his phone to google because he was _definitely_ right on this one. Shane came over to look over his shoulder, standing so his shoulder pressed up against Ryan's back, and he had to remind himself how to breathe properly. "'To eat another human, or another animal of the same type,' you dick! I told you!"   
  
"Hmph. Sounds like fake news, what's your source?"   
  
"What's my— _what?_ Read it yourself, four eyes, that's Merriam-Webster. Just admit that you're wrong."   
  
"...Where's your hot chocolate mix."   
  
Ryan grinned, knowing that meant he definitely won, and he only realized when Shane turned to the pantry at his instruction that he hadn't been thinking at all about Shane judging his house anymore. He'd been secretly nervous the whole day, worried `that his house would be too small, too _poor_ , too obvious that he's a child of divorce, that it was too messy and too much of a Guy House. Worried that Shane would think his room is lame, think it's stupid that he has Indiana Jones and Back to the Future posters framed on is wall, or _how fucking many_ Jordans he has.   
  
It seemed that Shane caught wind of his anxiety as he made the hot chocolates, turning to Ryan while he stirred them "What's the matter, Ryan? You're not... yourself."   
  
"It's nothing, don't worry about it."   
  
Shane frowned, but respected Ryan's request, and instead asked where the whipped cream is. Shane murmured the music they were listening to earlier under his breath as he worked, which had Ryan completely entranced. _"I wouldn't know where to start, sweet music playing in the dark... be still my foolish heart... don't ruin this on me..."_ _  
_ _  
_ "I hope you know that doesn't get you off the hook for serenading me."   
  
"I wouldn't dream of it, Bergara."   
  
Ryan grabbed the huge bowl of popcorn, enough to feed a family of twelve, and instructed Shane to grab the mugs and follow him. Ryan’s house was small, his room down in the basement, which he didn't mind as much as one would expect. He could play his music as loud as he wanted, and he didn't have to worry about his friends being too loud when they came over or them getting caught when they'd participate in Illegal Activities on the weekends.   
  
Shane's eyes were still taking in everything as they made their way down the stairs, then through Ryan's already open door. He put the bowl on his nightstand and told Shane he could do the same, which he did, but he seemed like he was cast under a spell with the way he took in everything in Ryan's room. "Back to the Future? We gotta watch that some time."   
  
"Oh my god, I love that movie so much. Definitely in my top ten best movies."   
  
Ryan laid down on his bed with his backpack next to him, watching as Shane made his way over to his record player and, subsequently, his vinyl collection. They were all alphabetized by artist, he even had folder dividers in his crates labeling which letter. Shane commented on that, remarking how impressed he was by the organization of his collection despite his room being like a trash can on fire.   
  
"I organize when I get anxious. So like, one day I was majorly freaking out over family stuff, and I forced Eugene to drive me to staples because my broke ass doesn't have a car, and I just went fucking ham on my vinyl collection because I've already organized all my video games and DVDs." Shane was looking at the records still, picking up a couple just to admire them, then putting them back as he listened to Ryan's story. "If you want, you can pick something to put on."   
  
Shane nodded, still going through, before he decided on _Aim and Ignite_ by Fun. Ryan had to admit Shane had good taste as he put it on the player and gently moved the needle to the start. "How loud?"   
  
"As loud as you want, dude. My dad's away for the weekend, and Jake's at someone's house." He cringed at the realization that he didn't mention his mom, and prayed Shane wouldn't look too into it or ask any questions.   
  
"Nice. I'm gonna fuckin' crank it baby!"   
  
"I'm not your baby."   
  
"Everyone's my baby!"   
  
"I'm the exception."   
  
"Nope, no exceptions, only babies."   
  
"You're so fucking weird Shane."   
  
"All part of the charm, baby." He winked at Ryan at that, then made his way next to him on the bed. Ryan got out his math book, and Shane pulled out a whole ass _binder_ of trig sheets and notes.   
  
"Oh fuck, you're like, actually taking this class seriously. Wow."   
  
"Yeah, Ryan, I _do_ want to graduate this year."   
  
"Are you saying I'm not gonna graduate?"   
  
"What? No! Don't you put words in my mouth!"   
  
"I'll put whatever I want in your mouth."   
  
"You... wanna put stuff in my mouth?"   
  
"Yeah. It's a new kink. Wanna hear about it?"   
  
"I'm... okay..."   
  
They both burst into laughter at that, getting to work on studying what they'd been doing in trig. Shane was a genuinely great help, which impressed Ryan, and made him infinitely grateful that he'd taken up Shane's offer to study together. Hours went by; they drained their hot chocolate cups, ate 4/5 of the popcorn in the bowl, at some point they changed the record to _Origin of Symmetry_ by Muse, and by the time they both could safely say they were thoroughly prepared, it was 5:00 and they'd definitely be needing something for dinner soon.   
  
"I'm not sure how late you wanna stay, but do you wanna pick a movie from my collection, make some more popcorn so our arteries can be filled with butter and happiness, and maybe like, get some ubereats or doordash or something?"   
  
"Oh hell yeah! Do you wanna do the honours of picking a movie?"   
  
"Nah, you can get dibs on it. I love every single movie I own. They're all from anywhere between the 80's to late 2000's, all the shit I've been watching since childhood, so you have free range. I'm gonna go make new popcorn, and if you gotta pee or something, there's a door directly in front of the stairs down here to my bathroom."   
  
"Aye aye, captain."   
  
Ryan smiled, put the empty mugs in the popcorn bowl, and set out to make more ingestible hypertension. "Think about what you wanna order." He raced up the steps, threw some of the leftover popcorn into Micki and Dori's bowls, and turned on the popcorn maker as he texted his friends frantically.   
  
**_Ryan send a message to Basketball is Gay:_ ** _help help help help help help help_ _  
_ _  
_ _Ryan: Gay Crisis_ _  
_ _  
_ _Ryan: somebody talk to me right now immediately_ _  
_ _  
_ _Stinky Dyke: Calm tf down Ryan. What's up?_ _  
_ _  
_ _Neddie Pot: Even though I'm the only straight person in this chat I'm also here_ _  
_ _  
_ _Ryan: thx ned, ur the best het i know_ _  
_ _  
_ _Ryan: okay but like shane's at my house and we're about to watch a movie and i'm making more popcorn but i'm also totally freaking out and i'm probably gonna have a heart attack and die the next time he smiles at me_ _  
_ _  
_ _Stinky Dyke: God u rly are having a Gay Crisis_ _  
_

_Neddie Pot_ _: Yeah dude who hurt you_ _  
_ _  
_ _Ryan: god, when he made me gay_ _  
_ _  
_ _Stinky Dyke: [anti gay emojis]_ _  
_

_Neddie Pot_ _: Stop sending that emoji guys! I'm not allowed to use it! This is heterophohia!_ _  
_ _  
_ _Ryan: haha, look at the stupid fucking straight boy. goddamn breeders._ _  
_ _  
_ _Stinky Dyke: Go kiss your girlfriend you fucking hetero_ _  
_ _  
_ _Ryan: fucking pussylicker_ _  
_ _  
_ _Stinky Dyke: What would your parents think, Ned?_ _  
_ _  
_ _Ryan: i bet they cry themselves to sleep every night over their disgusting breeder son_ _  
_

_Neddie Pot_ _: I WILL NOT BE TREATED LIKE THIS_ _  
_   
The sound of the popcorn maker drowned out every other sound as Ryan smiled down at his phone, which meant he basically got the complete shit scared out of him when he heard Shane from right behind him say, "What's up Ryan?"   
  
"Holy fucking shit! Oh my god! Shane! What the fuck, you— you just sent me into cardiac arrest! What is wrong with you!"   
  
Shane was laughing his entire ass off, grabbing onto the counter for purchase as his breath left him exclusively in wheezes. Ryan's hand was still on his heart, racing from the adrenaline of shock, but he was laughing too. They kept laughing until there were tears in their eyes and their chests ached, begging for air. Ryan grabbed Shane's shoulder to support himself, eventually leaning quite a bit of his body weight against his friend.   
  
"Seriously though, who were you texting?"   
  
"Oh, me and Jen were bullying Ned for being straight." Ryan scrolled up to Jen sending the anti gay emojis, and let Shane read the whole conversation. He laughed a lot at it, telling Ryan how proud he was for putting down another straight white man, but then Eugene finally contributed to the conversation. Ryan felt his heart beat speed up considerably before he read the text, beyond terrified it'd be him making fun of his terrifyingly large crush on Shane. He relaxed a little, though, when he saw it was just the normal teasing from earlier.   
  
_Eugayne: omg stop being such a fag, ryan_ _  
_   
Ryan could feel Shane tense up from where he was pressed up against Ryan's back, similar to before except one of his hands was on Ryan's phone with him. He prayed Eugene would have some sort of follow up, for his sake.   
  
_Eugayne: u sound even gayer than me_ _  
_ _  
_ _Ryan: well_ _  
_ _  
_ _Ryan: uh_ _  
_ _  
_ _Ryan: your FACE is gay!_ _  
_   
"Nice one, Ryan. You really showed 'em."   
  
"Shut up Shane."   
_  
_ _Eugayne: well considering im the only person in this group chat whos had a dick in his mouth, id rly hope so_ _  
_   
Shane had been eating some of the piping hot popcorn as it came out of the maker, and choked when he read that message, having to step back to try and die a little bit less. Ryan took a picture of him in the process, laughing even harder than he did before. He texted the picture to the groupchat, despite Shane's protest.   
  
_Ryan: look at what you did, eugene. u killed shane. he accidentally read that text and now i gotta go to his fuckin funeral_ _  
_ _  
_ _Ryan: also, u dont know my life_ _  
_ _  
_ _Eugayne: i know you better than YOU know you, and youve definitely never sucked a dick before. sorry ryan, you're not as mysterious as you thought you were :(_ _  
_ _  
_ _Ryan: fucking rude_ _  
_

_Neddie Pot_ _: What's rude is you texting your friends while hanging out with somebody_ _  
_ _  
_ _Ryan: SHUT UP BREEDER_ _  
_ _  
_ _Eugayne: FUCK OUTTA HERE STRAIGHT BOI_ _  
_ _  
_ _Stinky Dyke: GO FUCK A GIRL_ _  
_   
"They grow up so fast." Shane pretended to wipe away tears from his eyes as he spoke, leaning back against the counter.   
  
"Okay, skip the theatrics you dick. What do you want for dinner?"   
  
"Hmm... I'll tell you what I want, Ryan. I want some good fucking mac and cheese. Like, the best mac and cheese in this whole shitty town."   
  
"I agree wholeheartedly. Go through both my food delivery apps, look for whichever one will have some bomb ass mac." Ryan handed Shane his phone, not thinking twice about the fact that Shane could totally snoop through his phone, could open literally any text conversation with his best friends and find out in a second that he's completely infatuated. "Do you want a beer from the garage? Or, uh, do you not drink? 'Cause like, it's fine if not, I totally respect it if you don't, I just figured I'd offer—"   
  
"I'd love a beer, Ryan." Shane laughed, cutting his rambling short. "Although, won't your dad notice if some's missing?"   
  
Ryan snorted at that and turned to go to the garage through his kitchen. "Bold of you to assume my dad even know what's in the house. But like, for real, Eugene's got a fake ID, I always replace the cases in the garage when there's one or two left and put the extra in my fridge downstairs."   
  
Shane laughed and followed Ryan to his freezing garage, and when he was handed a beer, he didn't even walk for a bottle opener, just opened it with his fucking hands. "God damn Shane, are you a party animal?"   
  
"Don't underestimate me, Ryan. Theatre kids get fucking _lit_ . Like for real, I'll have to bring you along to a cast party some time. It gets funky. Lots of weed and alcohol. And also a lot of kids make out in the backyards, occasionally somebody will fuck in the bathrooms. Total buckwild shit."   
  
"If you bring me to a cast party then I'll bring you along to one of the football kids' parties. The last time I went to one, somebody broke a window with his head. Another guy stole every single fork in the house, then weaved them through a guy's short Afro. Probably one of the greatest creative works I've ever seen."   
  
"You're officially my Party Pal, then!"   
  
They grinned at each other, and Shane took a swig of beer. Ryan remembered they were standing in his freezing cold garage, so he went back inside to get a bottle opener. He took a magnet off a fridge that Ned got him after visiting family in Florida: the body of a woman wearing a confederate flag bikini, and where there'd be a vagina, a bottle opener. It had been about a month after he came out to him and Eugene, and when he gave it to Ryan, he said, _"because of how incredibly heterosexual you are. You can look at this magnet, and be reminded of why you hate straight men."_ _  
_   
He saw the way Shane looked at him as he used it, and decided to recount the story to Shane. He ended with a swig of the bottle, deciding to add, "Ned is literally the only straight man I can spend more than an hour with."   
  
Shane grinned and said, "Cheers to that. Fuck straight people!"   
  
"No, Shane, that's literally the _opposite_ of what gays do."   
  
"Wow, you think you're so clever, don't you, Ryan?"   
  
Ryan just winked and clinked the bottles together, taking a long drink after that. "C'mon. Order our mac and cheese so we can watch the damn movie already."   
  
Shane smiled and took the bowl of popcorn for Ryan, this time not timidly following Ryan down the stairs, but instead leading the way and eventually flopping on top of Ryan's bed, an action not well thought out because as he did so, he spilled popcorn all over himself. Ryan cracked up at this, while Shane just let out a defeated sigh and said, "Where's Micki and Dori when you need them?"   
  
"Actually, I can call them down here if you wanna cuddle some more with Dori while we watch whatever you chose."   
  
Shane's face lit up at that and he nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, I actually couldn't choose and I need your opinion. Ferris Bueller, Napoleon Dynamite or Ghostbusters?"   
  
"It's been a while since I've watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off, let's go with that." He went to the stairs and whistled for his dogs, both of which ran across the floor and down the stairs excitedly. Dori, ever the bumbling idiot, tripped over the last stair in her excitement, recovered, and continued to jump and bark. "Hey, girl! Hi! Yes, I know, you're excited! Shane's in there baby, go say hi to your friend!"   
  
Micki followed her into the room, sitting where he always sat if Ryan was gonna cuddle with them and watch something. He loved the sense of routine that came with watching childhood films with a giant bowl of popcorn and his favourite pair of short little dogs. By the time he sat down, Dori was jumping all around, unable to place her excitement at being pet by Shane. "Dori needs some fuckin' Xanax," Ryan commented, laying down with about an inch of space between him and Shane. "I should let her have a hit of my tank."   
  
"Ryan! How could you! There is absolutely _nothing_ wrong with this fucking angel. You should be ashamed of yourself! She has feelings, you know."   
  
"You've literally only known her for three hours."   
  
"And it was love at first sight!"   
  
"Gross. Get out of my house, you fucking furry. You're not allowed to have sex with my dog."   
  
"I'm never leaving!"   
  
"Why, because you like my record collection?"   
  
Shane looked downright _offended_ at the accusation, scoffing as he put a hand on his chest. "No! Because I like your record collection _and_ your popcorn maker! And your dogs, obviously."   
  
"Oh, right, 'cause you definitely don't wanna hang out with me."   
  
"Yeah, ew, who would wanna do that."   
  
"I guess I'll just have to leave you all alone down here and go play basketball in my backyard." Ryan started to stand up, but Shane quickly reached out to grab his wrist.   
  
"No! Ryannnn, don't leave me! I need company! And to make fun of your freakishly short body."   
  
"Fine, but only so I can gawk at that planet you call a head."   
  
"Rude."   
  
Shane pulled Ryan down onto the bed by his wrist, and now they were shoulder to shoulder, the movie starting the beginning credits. He tried not to think too much about it as they shared the popcorn. Until Shane asked an unexpected question, completely out of the blue. "So, this is just 'cause like, I'm curious. I'm sorry if this question makes you feel uncomfortable, but like, are you fully gay? Or are you like, bi, pan, something along those lines?"   
  
"Well, what's _really_ funny is I'm the gayest guy you'll ever meet—"   
  
"I'm pretty sure I have you beat there.”   
  
"—yet, I've had two girlfriends."   
  
"Oh, yeah! I think I remember you going to homecoming with someone last year. Helen?"   
  
"Yeah. What's also kinda wack, is like, I made out with her a couple of times, even though I knew I was gay."   
  
_"Oh?"_ _  
_   
"Yeah. She kinda like... ugh. She's such a sweet person, but I was only really dating her in the first place because our friends kinda pushed me to ask her out and guilted me into it, and when she'd try to kiss me I'd just go along with it because I didn't want to upset her, which led to us making out. Like, maybe... six or seven times, but in my defense, two of those times we were both drunk and she kinda forced herself on me."   
  
"Ryan. Dude. That's not okay."   
  
"I know! I was so shitty to lead her on like that, and to go out with her and kiss her and stuff even though I didn't like her that way, but I just—"   
  
"No, that's not what I meant." Ryan looked over at Shane with his eyebrows furrowed, genuinely confused at this point in the conversation. "She— you shouldn't've had to do something you didn't like, you know? Like, you shouldn't have felt pressured to do any of that, especially not make out with her."   
  
"Well, I didn't _hate_ it, I was just kinda passive."   
  
"That doesn't matter! You didn't like it, she shouldn't've just made out with you without checking that you were okay with it, and what, you said _twice_ you were both drunk and she forced herself on you?"   
  
"Uh, yeah... one of those times she also kept trying to have sex, even though I told her I didn't want to. She said that was bullshit, I just needed to get into it, and she, er... she put my hands on her tits, groped me a bit, tried to make me like it. But it wasn't that bad."   
  
"Ryan! She was literally taking advantage of you while you were drunk! You told her no, and that you didn't want to, but she _kept trying_ ! She touched you without your consent! That— That's literally sexual assault!"   
  
"Shane, I promise it wasn't that bad. I shouldn't have even brought it up, it's not a big deal."   
  
"No, Ryan, it is, it really is. That's so unfair. You're— you're literally the sweetest person ever, you walk around with the sun shining out of your ass, and nobody should take advantage of you because of that!"   
  
Ryan had to look away, his heart in his throat for some reason. He'd never really thought about it like that. "Since I'm already being honest with you here, uh, none of my other friends know that much. They don't know she kept trying to pressure me into having sex at that one party, or that I tried to stop a couple of times when we were making out and stuff. They— we all just kind of laugh it off whenever it happens. And I'm still friends with Helen. Marielle, too. I don't have any bad feelings towards them. I kinda didn't realize it was bad until just now."   
  
"Oh, Ryan." Shane sounded completely heart broken, and looked like he wanted to reach out and touch Ryan, but also looked somewhat scared. "Can I— is it okay for me to give you a hug after that?"   
  
Ryan nodded, not trusting his words, and Shane pulled Ryan closer to him in a tight, comforting hug. He was tense for a few seconds, hesitant to let his guard down, but after a short while he put his arms around Shane and relaxed, even melted into the embrace. It was nice. He didn't remember the last time he'd been held like this— he figured it was before his mother moved away, before the only times he saw her was over summers or long school breaks that weren't spent getting drunk and doing dumb shit.   
  
They stayed like that for a long time, Ryan not realizing when a couple of tears started to slip out. He hoped Shane wouldn't notice. They only pulled away when they heard the doorbell ring, and Ryan's phone buzzing with texts from the delivery man. Shane gently wiped a few tears from Ryan's eyes, and told him that he'd handle getting the food. Ryan tried to protest, but Shane pushed him back down onto the bed when he tried to stand.   
  
Ryan watched him leave, and waited until he was up the stairs before he grabbed the beer, drank almost all of the remaining contents, and searched around in his bedside drawer. He had a specific prescription, for whenever he felt an anxiety attack coming, and although he was starting to do a lot better without it (he probably only needed it once every two weeks), he knew he'd freak out if he didn't take some.   
  
He used the beer to swallow it, laughing at what it said for his mental health that he was taking anxiety medicine with alcohol at 18 years old. He must've spent too long thinking about that, because Shane was walking down the stairs with a bag of food before he had a chance to close it. He mumbled a shit, closed the bottle, and haphazardly just left it on his nightstand behind the now empty beer bottle, hoping Shane wouldn't notice it.   
  
Then again, it was Shane, so of course he noticed. "Ryan? You okay?"   
  
"Yeah. I'm— I'm fine. Just uh, I—I had to uh, take some medicine I forgot about."   
  
"You don't have to worry, Ry. I won't judge you or anything, I hope you know that."   
  
Ryan took a deep breath, focusing more on the nickname instead of his racing heart. It was super weird. He and Shane have only really been friends for a few weeks, it felt odd getting so personal so soon. But that should've been expected if he invited Shane over, anyways. He spent a lot of energy working up the courage to ask Shane one single question. "Can I... can I have another hug?"   
  
"Of course." Shane pulled Ryan in immediately, who had to accidentally sit on Shane's lap to make it work on his bed, but he didn't really mind at all. It didn't seem like Shane minded, either. He rested his head in the little crook between Shane's shoulder and his neck, letting his eyes close as he kept his arms wrapped around Shane's torso and focused on the arms holding on tight, one hand rubbing his back slightly. It felt nice, and despite the expected Crush Anxiety, it did help a little to cease the pounding of his heart in his ears, and the shake of his hands.   
  
"I, uh, I don't know why, my body just kind of decided it needed to have an anxiety attack. Which is why— I, I was taking some medicine to help my anxiety attacks, because I could tell it was coming, I'm sorry you had to be here when that happened."   
  
Shane's voice was low and soft in his ears, just barely above a whisper, and scarily soothing. "Don't worry about it Ry. You're safe, there's nothing to worry about. I've got you. I don't mind at all, either, I'm glad you trust me enough that you're telling me all of this."   
  
Ryan didn't respond, just nodded into Shane's shoulder and kept his eyes closed. He could smell the beer they'd been drinking on Shane's shirt, from when Shane got a little bit too animated and spilled it on himself. Micki and Dori were still laying down on the foot of the bed, the only reason Dori wasn't jumping around was because she was taking a nap. "Thank you, Shane. Seriously. I appreciate it a lot."   
  
"Don't mention it. You ready to watch this movie now?"   
  
Ryan pulled away and grinned at Shane. "Let's overdose on corn and mac."


	5. Hort Bread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Ryan, you dick. Why did you go to school today! Do you not care about yourself at all?"
> 
> Ryan shrugged weakly and said, "Not really."
> 
> "Okay, well that's too fucking bad, because I care about you. You can't just throw your health into the garbage like this." 
> 
> "I don't get why you care."
> 
> "Damnit, Ryan, I just do, okay?! I care about you, and I worry about you, and I think about you when you're not even in the same room as me, because I want you to be okay and happy. You don't get to not care about yourself, because every damn person I've ever spoken to loves the shit out of you."
> 
> "...Including you?"
> 
> Shane's face softened, his previous anger melting away into something more of concern, understanding. "Yeah. Including me, buddy."

When Ryan walked into science class Monday, Shane was already sitting at their desk. He shuffled over, dead inside, iced coffee in both hands. He didn't even have the energy to be an obnoxious asshole today, just let his head audibly slam against the table with his eyes closed. He felt Shane put a cold hand on his shoulder. Ryan liked it. "You alright there little guy? Don't wanna hurt yourself."  
  
"I slept for exactly forty two minutes last night."  
  
"Holy shit Ryan, you're gonna die."  
  
"That's the plan." Ryan's speech was muffled as he spoke, the cool surface of the desk soothing his burning face. And yeah, Ryan was more than used to his face being abnormally hot when Shane was near him, but this felt different. He also spent the whole night going between freezing and sweating, so there was a very high likelihood that he was getting sick, but you know, Public Education, so he went to school anyways.  
  
"For real though, are you okay? You don't look too hot."  
  
Ryan turned his head to look at Shane, keeping his face pressed right up against the cold desktop. "Am I hot normally?"  
  
"Not gonna answer that question until you tell me why you look like you just saw a mutilated deer wrapped around your dead brother's body, lying in a pile of your records broken around her and your sneakers torn to shreds."  
  
"That hurts me more than I'd like to admit, thanks for that. But I kinda feel like I got hit by a truck. Probably just a cold, no biggie."  
  
Shane moved the hand from his shoulder to his forehead, which felt _so_ nice. Ryan usually made fun of Shane for his hands being so cold, but he was nothing short of thankful in that moment. "Holy shit Ryan, you're burning up."  
  
Shane started to pull his hand away, the concern on his face growing, but Ryan whined and grabbed his wrist. "Keep your hand there. It's cold and feels nice."  
  
"Ryan..." He sighed and complied, gently combing his hands through Ryan's hair. "Please. Go to the nurse or something, this isn’t like, just a mild fever. I wouldn't be surprised if you're a few degrees above 100."  
  
"I’m fine. I'll just make it through the day, pop some nyquill, and sleep until Eugene comes to get me tomorrow morning."  
_  
_ _"Ryan."_ _  
_  
They bickered right up until their teacher decided to start class and they had to take notes. Shane still didn't look pleased at all. Halfway through the lesson, Ryan opened him and Shane's designated shared doc to talk during classes. He nudged Shane to check it, then proceeded to type.  
  
_do u want myn covffe >"? its tasty but i feel gross and i cant drikn it rn _ _  
_ _  
_ _i didnt have anyn yet, i was waiting for my body to feel less gorss_ _  
_ _  
_ _well, i held it against my fase, but that wass rly it_ _  
_ _  
_ _I'm fine, thanks. Please go to the nurse?_ _  
_ _  
_ _never._ _  
_ _  
_ _ W h y _ _  
_ _  
_ _classes_ _  
_ _  
_ _ I'll give you work for all our shared classes _ _  
_ _  
_ _no_ _  
_ _  
_ _ Are you a fucking masochist Ryan? Go home! _ _  
_ _  
_ _nobdoy can pick me up. my daeds away for work_ _  
_ _  
_ _I'll bribe the nurse and drive you home_ _  
_ _  
_ _noooo_ _  
_ _  
_ _I'll make my mom pick you up_ _  
_ _  
_ _ur mom doestn even know me_ _  
_ _  
_ _Yeah, but I'll just text her a picture of you dying on a desk and she'll totally agree_ _  
_ _  
_ _i dotn think she can legaly do that_ _  
_ _  
_ _ I'm sure she can if your dad calls the school _ _  
_ _  
_ _hm,,._ _  
_ _  
_ _ Please, Ryan? I'm worried about you. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ I don't like seeing you like this _ _  
_ _  
_ _i have baskentlball bractice. trytnouts start todya. cant miss it_ _  
_ _  
_ _Dude you can't play basketball like this, are you fucking insane?_ _  
_ _  
_ _little bit_ _  
_ _  
_ _ Ryan Steven Bergara, I'm gonna slap you into next week _ _  
_ _  
_ _how tf do yuo know my midnle name_ _  
_ _  
_ _I had a conversation with Jen the other day_ _  
_ _  
_ _oh my god_ _  
_ _  
_ _ur never allowed to talik 2 ned fuslmer as ldong as u live_ _  
_ _  
_ _ I would absolutely love to hear what stories he has about you _ _  
_ _  
_ _i will eat your lungs if you do_ _  
_ _  
_ _That's the only full sentence you've been able to spell right. You really got your priorities in line, huh?_ _  
_ _  
_ _all 4 u babey ;)_ _  
_ _  
_ _You told me Friday that I can't call you baby. Why do you get to call me baby?_ _  
_ _  
_ _bc im dyign, shane_ _  
_ _  
_ _So you admit you're not fine?_ _  
_ _  
_ _shut yuor entire fcuk up_ _  
_ _  
_ _ How about half a fuck? _ _  
_ _  
_ _no. alml off it._ _  
_ _  
_ _ GO TO THE NURSE RYAN BERGARA _ _  
_ _  
_ _no. take notes u nerd. im gonna take a npap. tell me what we learned latre_ _  
_  
Ryan saw Shane look over to him as he rested his head on his chin, letting his eyes fall closed for a few short seconds. He really did only mean to close them for a minute or two, but the next thing he knew there was a gentle hand shaking him awake. "Ryan, the bell rang. C'mon."  
  
His eyes shot open, scared it was his teacher, but it was just Shane with his stupid sweet face. "Oh. My bad."  
  
Their teacher was on his computer at the front of the classroom, and as Ryan put his laptop in his backpack, he looked up to the two of them. "Bergara?"  
  
"Y-yes?"  
  
"I noticed you fell asleep, don't think you can start getting away with that. Go to the nurse, though, you look like you dug your way out of a grave."  
  
"I'm okay, I just gotta get through the day and I'll be good."  
  
His teacher had the same angry-concerned mom look on his face that Shane's had this whole class period, and he just shrugged an apology and slung his backpack over his shoulder. He and Shane got a whole two steps away from the classroom after walking through the door before Ryan leaned up against Shane. "I had a point to prove so I didn't say anything, but wow, the world is fuckinnnnn wack right now. Spinny."  
  
"There's a word for that, Ryan."  
  
"Oh! Yeah! What is it?"  
  
"Dizzy."  
  
"Dizzy!" Ryan repeated after Shane, a triumphant giggle escaping him. "Yeah, that's how I feel. Can I lean on you?"  
  
"Jesus Christ. My hair's gonna go gray from you, Ryan. Put your arm around my shoulder."  
  
"Bold of you to assume I can reach that high."  
  
"Then hold onto my waist, you asshole. You're seriously going to your next class?"  
  
"It's literally just a class about cinematic art. I'll be fine. Hey, Zach's in that class with me! Three cheers for him dropping AP chem, I guess."  
  
"Ugh. I'm walking you to your class."  
  
They made it across the school to the English rooms, Ryan being almost entirely supported by Shane. "Can you at least walk to your seat?"  
  
"Of course I can!" Ryan said confidently. He took exactly one step through the doorway before he collapsed on the floor. He heard Shane say shit very loudly, and then he opened his eyes and he was chilling out in the nurse's office.  
  
It took a second or two for everything to come back into focus. His head hurt like hell, and felt a bit wet. He then noticed that there was a tightly wrapped bandage around his head, and Shane in the seat next to him, on his phone while the nurses fretted. "Talk about making an entrance, huh?" Ryan joked, nudging Shane with his elbow.  
  
"Ryan! You asshole! I cannot fucking believe you, do you have no sense of self preservation? Jesus Christ! Just go to the fucking _nurse_ next time, what is _wrong_ with you?"  
  
"Madej! Watch your language, and stop yelling at my patient." The head nurse walked over, holding a little kit. "Ryan, I'm gonna have to give you a concussion test, okay honey?"  
  
Ryan nodded, sitting up in the bed, eager to prove he was totally fine and could get back to class. Ryan often joked that Nurse Thompson was the black mother he never had, because she truly was like a mom at this point. He was in here at least every two weeks, with hurt ankles and bloody noses and other various sports injuries. If it wasn't that, he was sick or dizzy or felt absolutely _horrible_ from his medicine, or wanted to lay down and have a heating pad on his sore muscles, or he was having a panic attack and laying down in the back.  
  
She took out a flashlight and asked Ryan to follow the light with his eyes without moving his head. He did so easily, and then she asked, "Think you can stand sweetheart?"  
  
"Your wish is my command."  
  
Shane helped him stand up, keeping a firm grip on his arm just in case. "I'm gonna need you to walk in a straight line, heel to toe, got it?"  
  
Ryan nodded and toppled a bit as he did so, eventually having to sit back down. "I swear that wasn't a coordination thing, that was just me still feeling a little lightheaded."  
  
"Okay, then tell me the months backwards, starting with December."  
  
That was simple for Ryan, and he got all the way up to February before Shane burst out laughing. "Ryan, did you never learn how to say February?"  
  
"What? What do you mean? How am I supposed to say Febr-Feb-Febiary?"  
  
"Madej, stop distracting him!"  
  
Shane laughed and apologized, covering his mouth with his hand as he tried to calm down. "Note to self: make fun of Ryan when he's not possibly concussed."  
  
"I'm not concussed! I'm fine! Just have a little cold, that's all."  
  
"Ryan honey, your temperature is 103.4°. That's way too high. You're gonna have to go to the hospital. Or at least a walk in."  
  
"What? Bullshit! I just need a nap and some dayquill."  
  
"Language! And I'm calling your dad now—"  
  
"Wait! No! Don't— don't call my dad, please? He's at a conference in New York, some dentist stuff. Don't make him worry, there's nothing he can do."  
  
"Ryan sweetie, you _have_ to go to the doctor."  
  
"What if I bring him?" Shane offered, the only thing he said since the February joke.  
  
"No, Shane, you can't do that. You're technically a minor, you don't have Ryan's insurance, you can't just leave school—"  
  
"Ryan's dad can text him the insurance card, you can call my mom for permission to have me leave, and I turned 18 last week."  
  
"Wait, _what?_ Shane, it was your birthday and you didn't tell me?!"  
  
"Nah, that last part was just a joke. My birthday's in May. But still! I don't see why I can't. I have a car!"  
  
Nurse Thompson sighed deeply, pinching the bridge of her nose, and in that moment Ryan respected that woman immensely for having to deal with people like him. "Fine. I'll call your mom, Shane, for permission. Ryan, I have to call your dad, too, and find out if he's okay with this. I'm gonna give you some Gatorade and a sandwich in the meantime, okay?"  
  
"Gotcha. On an unrelated note, do you have a garbage can?"  
  
"Yeah, here." She handed a pale to Ryan that had been next to his bed.  
  
"Cool, thanks." He then proceeded to throw up violently, not stopping until he probably emptied his stomach of the past day's contents. "Alright, I'm good now, what should I do with this?"  
  
"Ryan. What the absolute fuck. You chaotic piece of—"  
  
_"Shane."_  
  
"—muscle. Why are you like this?"  
  
Thompson seemed to agree with Shane for once that morning, shaking her head at Ryan. "I'm giving you crackers and _watered down_ Gatorade. Sit tight, I'll get you a new trash can in case you need to puke again. If you can't make it to the toilet or something, just try to do it on the tile."  
  
"Yessir."  
  
Shane waited until she closed the door to the room with all the beds, then turned to Ryan, looking one step away from furious. "Ryan, you _dick_ . Why did you go to school today! Do you not care about yourself at all?"  
  
Ryan shrugged weakly and said, "Not really."  
  
"Okay, well that's too fucking bad, because _I_ care about you. You can't just throw your health into the garbage like this."  
  
"I don't get why you care."  
  
"Damnit, Ryan, I just _do_ , okay?! I care about you, and I worry about you, and I think about you when you're not even in the same room as me, because I want you to be okay and happy. You don't get to not care about yourself, because every damn person I've ever spoken to loves the shit out of you."  
  
"...Including you?"  
  
Shane's face softened, his previous anger melting away into something more of concern, understanding. "Yeah. Including me, buddy." Ryan nodded, and they sat in silence for a while. Shane started to gently run his fingers through Ryan's messy hair, which he couldn't help but lean into. It felt nice, his cold hands gently scraping his scalp, tangling themselves in it and untangling them. "Sorry for yelling. I'm not actually mad or anything, you just..." Shane sighed, pausing with his hand against Ryan's cheek. "You just had me worried."  
  
"I'm sorry that I worried you."  
  
"No need to apologize. I'm just glad that you're okay. And hey, you got me out of school the rest of the day!"  
  
" _If_ our parents are okay with it."  
  
"Oh, my mom will be totally fine with it. I don't know your dad, though, I don't know what he'll say."  
  
"Honestly? He'll probably just tell the nurse to do whatever she has to do." Ryan gave a little satisfied hum when Shane went back to combing his hands through his hair, closing his eyes until he suddenly became very, _very_ aware of how much everywhere in his body was hurting. "Hm, so this is what it feels like to be dying I guess."  
  
"What? You okay?"  
  
"Oh, yeah. My body just hates me and decided to make everything everywhere hurt all at once."  
  
Shane frowned and furrowed his eyebrows, his eyes holding a mix of pity and sadness. "I'm sorry, Ry. Don't worry, though, you'll feel better soon."  
  
The nurse came back in the room with the promised Gatorade, crackers, and garbage can. "The secretary's getting a hold of your dad right now, Ryan. Shane, I talked to your mom, and she herself offered to drive Ryan, but settled for letting you do it."  
  
"See Ryan? I told you that my mom would totally be willing to pick you up from school despite not knowing you even remotely."  
  
"Yeah, okay." Ryan laid down on his side and closed his eyes, curling up a little bit on the blue plastic covered bed. He still felt like he was burning up, despite only being in plaid pajama pants (yeah, Ryan sleeps in his underwear, so he _could've_ just put on sweatpants, but this was a lot more fun) and a tee shirt. When he opened his eyes again, it was once again to Shane's hand ever so gently shaking his shoulder.  
  
"Hey. It's time to go, Ry. We got permission from your dad. I have a copy of your insurance, and the nurse called Stat Health in advance, so hopefully we won't have to wait for twelve years. Think you can stand?" Ryan nodded, still bleary, and Shane put an arm around his shoulders. "Here, bud, hold onto my waist, okay? The security guards were nice enough to bring both of our bags out. You gotta get a coat on before we go outside, though."  
  
"I don't have a coat."  
  
Shane frowned, and told Ryan to sit on the edge of the bed, which he did. Shane had been wearing a thickly lined denim jacket over his Flannel of the Week, and handed it to Ryan. "Wear this. You— fuck, you should really be wearing a winter coat, it's freezing out. Put on your sweatshirt, too."  
  
"Okay, mom."  
  
Ryan put on his basketball sweatshirt and Shane's coat over it. His jacket was really big on Ryan. It was warm from his body heat, and smelled so strongly of Shane it was almost overwhelming. He got so caught up in that thought, a big doofy smile on his face, that he didn't notice Shane had his phone out and was taking a picture. "You dick! You can't take pictures of me when I'm sick, that's like, against the rules."  
  
"What rules?"  
  
"Uh... the important ones?"  
  
Shane laughed and helped Ryan stand up again, who didn't even wait for Shane's instruction before grabbing his waist tightly for support. The world didn't seem to be spinning too much, which was definitely a good sign. They started walking as Shane decided to speak up. "I didn't take that picture to like, post on snapchat or anything."  
  
"Oh? Then why?"  
  
Shane shrugged with his free arm and said, "I just think you look cute in my jacket if you want me to be honest." Like it was no big deal, even though it five thousand percent was. To Ryan it was, that is.  
  
"I-I— oh, I uh, okay." He looked up and saw a satisfied smile on Shane's face. Dick. "You shouldn't be so close to me, Shane. You'll get yourself sick."  
  
"I don't care. I care more about you."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I do."  
  


* * *

  
They spent the whole ride to Stat Health in relative silence, since Ryan got out his complaining over "how fucking ridiculous this is” at the begging. Shane had put Ryan's phone on shuffle for music, an extra piece of thoughtfulness that warmed Ryan's heart. So he sat there in a state between awake and asleep, focusing on _Cigarette Daydreams_ and the scent of Shane's jacket rather than the way he was burning up or how everything ached.  
  
Shane hummed along to the music, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel as he did so. "Your voice is so nice. What's up with that?"  
  
Shane just smiled at Ryan's words and didn't say anything aside from the singing he continued under his breath. It didn’t take too long to arrive, but Ryan made Shane stay in the car when he went. He said there were way too many germs, so he went in, and Shane got tea for them at a nearby Starbucks. Ryan promised he’d call Shane when they told him what’s wrong, a conclusion reached after a genuine argument over why Shane couldn’t come with him ( _you realize 85% of the people in there are sick? It’s bad enough that you’re this close to me, you should be sanitizing your hands fucking hourly at this point. I’m not letting you expose yourself to more diseases!_ ).  ****  
** **

After signing in on the tablet that was definitely a brewing ground for all sorts of viruses, he sat in a chair in the corner, knees to his chest and Shane’s jacket pulled tight around him. There were a solid ten or so minutes where he just went through Instagram, but after a while he took a selfie to send his friends, wanting to flex about the fact that he’s not in school.  ****  
** **

**_Ryan Bergayra to Coochie Aquarium Field Trip_ ** _: pro tip, if u dotn wanan take a test, tri dyign instead and the nruse will let yuo leave!_ ****  
** **

_Eugayne: ryan u dont have a car… i drove you to school… your dad is in new york… how tf did you leave the school_ ****  
** **

_Stinky Dyke: Omg Ryan are you okay? I noticed you weren’t in English but Shane also wasn’t there and I was like, hmmm they probably got their gay shit together ditched to go hang out. I didn’t realize ur like, actually sick_ ****  
** **

_Ryan: yaeh, it aint pretty, ill tell u that mchuc_ ****  
** **

_Eugayne: wtf happened to you buddy_ ****  
** **

_Ryan: oh yk. i walked into cinematograriphy class adn faitned a little bit. i also threw up at the nruses office and apprarently have a “dangerously high” fever, or whatever, so now im at stat health_ ****  
** **

_Stinky Dyke: Ryannnn wtf why did you go into school_ ****  
** **

_Ryan: idk, just 4 kikcs ig_ ****  
** **

_Stinky Dyke: Please don’t die ://_ ****  
** **

_Ryan: ill do my bset_ ****  
** **

_Breeder: ...I’m gonna guess you won’t be at basketball today, then_ ****  
** **

_Eugayne: what gave you that idea ned?_ ****  
** **

_Ryan: oh shit they calld me name, gotta blast_ ****  
** **

_Eugayne: tea. good luck_ ****  
** **

_Breeder: Lmk if you end up needing a vasectomy or something, I’ll be your surgeon_ ****  
** **

_Ryan: youre never goign near my balls as long as i live_ ****  
** **

_Breeder: …does that mean when you die your balls are free game?_ ****  
** **

Ryan put his phone down at that, walked up to the desk, and was directed to a room by a nurse. He answered the standard questions on weight, height, (he insisted he was 5’7 ½, but the nurse still had to measure him. It out he’s grown a whole half an inch— Shane’ll be so proud of him!), had his pulse, temperature and blood pressure taken, real basic shit. The doctor came in, Ryan explained his symptoms, and the doctor decided he definitely had the flu, which sucked complete dick.  ****  
** **

His instructions were to sleep, drink a lot of water, and to not go to school for a minimum of four days. He thought that wasn’t completely necessary, but he didn’t try arguing with the doctor. He also said that if the fever doesn’t break within two or three days that he should definitely come back, and a bunch of other things Ryan didn’t really want to listen to. He called Shane to let him know (after having only spent thirty minutes total, which is pretty quick considering it was Stat Health), and wasn’t even done giving the receptionist his insurance information by the time Shane was alerting Ryan of his arrival.  ****  
** **

When he got back in Shane’s car, there was a cup of English Breakfast tea waiting for him, a name scribbled onto the cardboard cup that looked oddly like Shane’s handwriting: _cutest little athlete ever._ “You making fun of my height while I’m sick? That’s low, dude.” ****  
** **

“But not as low as you. Ohhhh, gotem! Need an ice pack for that sick BURN?” ****  
** **

“I refuse to believe we’re friends.” ****  
** **

They didn’t talk too much as Shane drove to Ryan’s house, only needing instructions for a couple of turns. Ryan’s stomach flipped over a couple of times when he realized Shane paid enough attention that he nearly memorized the route after having only driven to and from his house once.  
  
Ryan was fine with walking at this point, but Shane still walked close to his side as they walked to his door. “You should go right to bed, Ryan. I’ll get you some water and stuff, make sure you have everything you need.” He unlocked the door for Ryan, even held it open like a true gentleman, and followed Ryan into his kitchen.  ****  
** **

“I’m fine Shane! I swear. It’s honestly not that bad, and like, I have the flu, so you shouldn’t be spending any more time with me.” ****  
** **

“I won’t get sick.” ****  
** **

“You don’t know that!” ****  
** **

“Hold up, give me a second.” Shane took a step back and put two fingers to his temple, eyes squeezed shut, adorning a look of intense concentration. “Okay. I told my immune system to not get me sick.” ****  
** **

Ryan rolled his eyes at this entire dumbass that he has a tragically huge crush on. “Alright, I’ll play along. What did it say.” ****  
** **

“It said, and I quote, ‘aight bro, you Gucci. Can you do me a favour though and actually eat something that’s not ramen and peanut butter jellies, cause the rest of your body’s kind of dying.’” ****  
** **

“Mmhm. That’s great, sweetheart.” Ryan did his best to sound like a mom whose kid wouldn’t shut the fuck up, a goal he knew he accomplished when Shane lightly pushed his shoulder.  ****  
** **

“Rude. I’d push you harder but I don’t want you to fall over like a $3 plastic spinning top, so just imagine it happening.” ****  
** **

“I’m going to my bed now.”  ****  
** **

Shane made a real show out of blowing Ryan a kiss, one that he swatted out of the air. He made sure to throw the finger over his shoulder as he opened the door to the basement too, holding onto the bannister tightly as he made his way down. Micki and Dori were both asleep on his bed, probably waiting for Jake or Ryan to come home and give them attention. His first instinct was to flop face first into his pillows, but he also remembered that he wore his current clothes into a super gross and infected area, which freaked him out more than he’d like to admit. He threw his shirt and pants directly into the hamper, grabbed a random pair of basketball shorts, and finally allowed himself the luxury of curling up in a ball on his bed.  ****  
** **

His eyes were closed, his mind not quite asleep, but still definitely disconnected from reality as thoughts swirled around his brain. There was the ever prevailing thought of kissing Shane, of just pulling him down by the collar and bruising those gorgeous lips with his own. Those thoughts were only a precedent for his more anxious ones, though, the thoughts of Shane getting bored of Ryan, or annoyed with how anxious and easily startled he is, or maybe using all the information Ryan’s shared against him and spreading it around. Maybe Shane would let it get out that he’s on medicine to help his anxiety, would talk to his friends about how he obviously doesn’t have a bunch of money. There was also the expected _what if Shane’s a serial killer and he’s just gaining my trust before he punctures my lungs and rips my flesh apart,_ but that specific thought usually wasn’t too bad.  ****  
** **

Ryan didn’t know how long he spent wallowing in his anxieties, whether it was seconds, minutes or hours, but he did feel the bed sink beneath him and a cool hand place itself on his shoulder. “Hey there buddy, you asleep?” Shane’s voice was quiet. Hesitant, even. Ryan didn’t have the energy to turn over and face him, so he just blindly reached a hand behind him, not super sure of what his plan was.  ****  
** **

Shane gently grabbed Ryan’s hand, let his thumb run over Ryan’s knuckles. Ryan chose not to think about the fact that he didn’t lace their fingers together. “Shane, do trees get sad?” ****  
** **

Shane seemed thoughtful, put some effort into his answer, which Ryan appreciated greatly. “No, I don’t think so.” ****  
** **

“So does that mean they don’t get happy either?” ****  
** **

“I mean, like, they don’t have brains Ry. They can’t really have any thoughts or feelings. They’re probably just at a constant state of contentment.” ****  
** **

“Oh. Contentment’s nice.” ****  
** **

“Yeah?” ****  
** **

“Yeah. I’m content right now.” ****  
** **

Shane chuckled softly— fondly, if Ryan were bold enough to suggest it. “I’m content too, little guy.” ****  
** **

“I’m glad. It makes me happy when you’re happy.” ****  
** **

“Same here, bud. Same here.” They were silent a little while longer, Ryan still holding tightly onto Shane’s hand. “Ryan, I think you should go to sleep now.” ****  
** **

“Yeah, that’s a good idea.” ****  
** **

“Goodnight, Ryan.” ****  
** **

“Night Shane.” ****  
** **

 

* * *

 

Ryan woke up to a missed text message from Shane (along with a bombardment of texts and snapchats from his friends) that was sent at 7:06 AM, during their science class he realized a little belatedly.

 _Hey, Ryan. How are you feeling today? A little better?_ _  
_ _  
_ He checked the time which was now 9:00, a solid 17 hours since he originally went to sleep. Wild.  
  
_i jsut slept 17 whole ass hours holyl shit_ _  
_ _  
_ _ I'm jelly _ _  
_ _  
_ _come here n ill give u my sicnkess_ _  
_ _  
_ _ Actually _ _  
_ _  
_ _shabne no i was jokign_ _  
_ _  
_ _ Can I come by after school to bring you some recovery stuff _ _  
_ _  
_ _no!!!! yuoll get sickkkkkkk_ _  
_ _  
_ _ I'll be fine _ _  
_ _  
_ _no!!! i dontwant u to get the fluu_ _  
_ _  
_ _ I have my flu shots _ _  
_ _  
_ _ The only reason I'm glad my parents aren't anti vax _ _  
_ _  
_ _ok yeah, but yuor gay. how do u thikn you got that?_ _  
_ _  
_ _ Hm... _ _  
_ _  
_ _checmkate, vaxxer moms_ _  
_ _  
_ _ You're gay too though _ _  
_ _  
_ _nahhhh the fukc you talkin about?_ _  
_ _  
_ _ya boye's strait as fuckkkkkkkkk_ _  
_ _  
_ _im literlaly drowning in pussi_ _  
_ _  
_ _help, shawn, 2 many gorls are trhowign themslevs at me_ _  
_ _  
_ _cant handel all the puss_ _  
_ _  
_ _Did you just call me Shawn?_ _  
_ _  
_ _i literwlly cwnnot spell at all rn u know that_ _  
_ _  
_ _ I'm hurt _ _  
_ _  
_ _u should be_ _  
_ _  
_ _I'm still gonna stop by though_ _  
_ _  
_ _shaneeeeeeee nooooooo_ _  
_ _  
_ _ Is anybody home with you? _ _  
_ _  
_ _micki and dori_ _  
_ _  
_ _ I meant like, an adult, but okay. Want me to knock when I get there _ _  
_ _  
_ _im still rly against this. >:(((( _ _  
_ _  
_ _but ig ill leave the door unlokoxed bc im goign upstaies 4 sum toes_ _  
_ _  
_ _Toes?_ _  
_ _  
_ _yk. hort bread._ _  
_ _  
_ _ Toast. _ _  
_ _  
_ _thast what i said asshole_ _  
_ _  
_ _ The records beg to differ _ _  
_ _  
_ _the records have been forged to frame me_ _  
_ _  
_ _ Sounds fake but ok _ _  
_ _  
_ _whatevre. pay attencion to ur fukcign classes_ _  
_ _  
_ _Alright_ _  
_ _  
_ _Feel better Ry_ _  
_ _  
_ _I'll see you later ;)_ _  
_ _  
_ _dick._  
  
Ryan put his phone in his pocket and walked up the stairs, still feeling like pure shit. He honestly couldn't wait for Shane to come by. Yeah, he didn't want to get his friend sick, but Shane was also great company. Maybe Ryan could convince him to watch a movie or two before he left. (Maybe he could ask Shane to run his soothingly cold fingers through his hair again).  
  
For now he focused on trying to drink some water and getting bread in the toaster. He didn't really want to eat at all, and he wasn't sure why he did it aside from routine. He briefly considered a warm bath for his aching everything, but then he realized _no, that would feel terrible, I still have a fever and it would feel like dipping myself into flames._ He instead settled for laying down on the couch with his water and going through Snapchat stories, because he's a Bored and Lonely Extrovert with nothing to do.  
  
Zach had posted a video of Shane in what he assumed was an art classroom, paint all over his face to make him look like an absolute fucking clown. Ryan loved it. He thought for a second on whether or not it was the best plan, but ultimately swiped up on the story and texted Zach _._ _  
_ _  
_ _can u send me this? i wanna bulyl shane aboot it_ _  
_ _  
_ Zach's reply was nearly instant, which was slightly creepy, but still appreciated.  
_  
_ _I love bullying Shane, fuck yeah!_  
  
He sent the video and Ryan couldn't help but laugh as he saved it to his camera roll, thanking Zach for his service to this country. Then Zach, beautiful, amazing Zach, made the offer of a lifetime.  
  
_ Do you want more embarrassing pictures of Shane _ _  
_ _  
_ _YES PLEASE_ _  
_ _  
_ _I WILL SUKC YUOR DICK FOR EMVQRASSING PICS_ _  
_ _  
_ _ This is Shane. Zach's a cunt and will not be sending pictures or he has to take the bus home and will get a nice punch in the face _ _  
_ _  
_ _hmmmm... pussy_ _  
_ _  
_ _I got my phone back_ _  
_ _  
_ _ You gotta save em quickly or my ass is t o a s t _ _  
_ _  
_ _mission: accetped_ _  
_  
He got an influx of photos and videos and did as instructed. Ryan seriously could not wait to use this against Shane, most likely the next time they were hanging out so he could see the look on his face.  
  
_I think we're in the clear_ _  
_ _  
_ _yuo are a saint zackhary_ _  
_ _  
_ _ Just doin my duty as a best friend _ _  
_ _  
_ _ik ur talkign about shane_ _  
_ _  
_ _but bc of thst ur now my bff_ _  
_ _  
_ _YESSSSS_ _  
_ _  
_ _ Can we have a handshake _ _  
_ _  
_ _i'm literlaly the master of handshakes_ _  
_ _  
_ _ours whill be the coolest shit evre_ _  
_ _  
_ _Oh my god I'm so ready for this_ _  
_ _  
_ _ Fucking heal soon _ _  
_ _  
_ _i'll do my beast_ _  
_ _  
_ _ Hmmmm... furry alert? _ _  
_ _  
_ _NOOOOOOOOO_ _  
_ _  
_ _ I'm gonna out you to Shane _ _  
_ _  
_ _D O  N O T_ _  
_  
He got a video snap of Shane and Zach shaking their heads, with text saying, "I'm not letting him go to your house anymore, don't want you to turn him into a furry."  
  
_ok, frist of all, shaen's already a furry. he sayd hes in luv with my dog. yuckkkkkk_ _  
_ _  
_ _secodn of all, dotn let him come ovre!!! he's gonan get sickkk_ _  
_ _  
_ _ Aw, don't talk about yourself like that Ryan. Being a furry is a sickness, but we can get you help. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ >:(((((( _ _  
_ _  
_ _i'm gonna circumcise you i stg_ _  
_ _  
_ _Oh my gOd, is Ryan Bergara making a joke about my eThNICITY?!_ _  
_ _  
_ _Ryan Bergara, the antisemite?_ _  
_ _  
_ _Can't believe you're discriminating against me._ _  
_ _  
_ _Do you even know where Israel is!_ _  
_ _  
_ _adn i thot shane was dramatic..._ _  
_ _  
_ _ I take the phrase dramatic and completely reinvent it ;) _ _  
_ _  
_ _not an axomplishment, zachary_ _  
_ _  
_ _ We can leave that up to debate _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Gotta go. Shane's telling me to stop texting his friend _ _  
_ _  
_ _hes just jelly that i stol his bff_ _  
_ _  
_ _Omg that's it! You figured it out!_ _  
_ _  
_ _waht can i say? im a genuis_ _  
_ _  
_ _ Okay bye before Shane breaks my arms _  
  
Ryan heard his toast ("toes") pop out of the toaster, but then realized he wasn't even remotely hungry. Actually, eating made him kind of want to throw up. But he also felt like his body was used as a chair in a WWE video game, so he did the only thing he could think to do: he took a nap. And though Ryan Bergara was no stranger to multiple hour naps, he sincerely didn't expect to sleep until he was woken up by none other than Shane Madej at 2:30, after sleeping for _seventeen hours_ in one night. "Hey, Ry. How are you feeling?"  
  
"Like I might as well start digging my grave tonight."  
  
"Let's not do that. I brought you some stuff! Including a little surprise."  
  
"Surprise? I like surprises! What is it?"  
  
"That's not how surprises work." Shane laughed and stepped closer to Ryan, now crouching down so they were eye level. "In the meantime, what do you want? Do you need some company?"  
  
"Yeah. Very much so. You can't even begin to understand how boring and lonely it is when all your friends are in school, but you're too miserable to do anything."  
  
"Well lucky for you, your knight in shining armor has arrived. Why don't we watch a movie or something?"  
  
Ryan perked up at that, thinking that watching a movie with Shane is the most excellent plan ever invented. "Hell Yeah! Can we watch Tarantino?"  
  
"You really wanna watch something gory while you're in _this_ state?"  
  
"Shut up, I never know what to watch anymore. Usually I have good shows, but I've run out, so I usually go straight to a true crime or serial killer documentary. Sue me for wanting to shake it up a little bit."  
  
"Have you watched Star Trek before?"  
  
"Have I watched... _what?_ Have I watched Star Trek? No! Who do you think I am?"  
  
"What if we watch the first two or three episodes, and if you hate it you can choose?"  
  
"I'm gonna hate it."  
  
"Nooo, Ryan, c'mon. You'd like it, I think. Please?"  
  
"Hmph. Only because you asked nicely."  
  
Shane smiled so widely that it was absolutely worth it to be forced to watch Star Trek. He was going to sit over by Ryan's feet, but he complained (whined, really) and patted the small space next to his head. Shane raised an eyebrow before he spoke. "You really think I'm gonna fit there?"  
  
Ryan didn't answer, just lifted his head up a little so there was room for his friend to sit. Shane sighed, sunk into the couch (he apparently thought enough to grab the remote), and let Ryan put his head in his lap as he searched for what he was gonna show Ryan. 

"You smell nice."  
  
"Oh? Thanks, I guess."  
  
"I like the way you smell."  
  
Shane smiled down at him and gently started to run his fingers along Ryan's scalp. It was beyond nice, bringing a strong sense of calm. "So, the first episode doesn't have the original crew, but we're gonna watch it anyways, because it becomes important a lot later in the series."  
  
"Are you kidding me? The only reason I'm watching this is because I've been told that the two guys are like, madly in love, and they're not even in the episode you're showing me?"  
  
"Pleaseeeee?"  
  
"Fine."  
  
Ryan kicked his feet around until he found a blanket, and used his amazing skills to lift it to his hand with his feet. "I want blanket. You want blanket?"  
  
"No thanks, Caveman Ryan."  
  
"Leave me alone! I'm sick!"  
  
"You want me to leave?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Make up your mind."  
  
"Stop bullying me! I'm gonna tell Zach you're being mean."  
  
"Bold of you to assume Zach cares."  
  
"Bold of _you_ to assume he wouldn't abandon you for me."  
  
"Bet."  
  
Ryan fished around for his phone and sent a very bad selfie to Zach, with Shane making a heart out of his hands in the background. _"shaens being super mean and bullyign the ill"_ _  
_  
Zach responded within five minutes, a picture of him pouting.

_You shouldn't have to face Shane's assholery while you're sick._ _  
_

_rihgt? can yuo tell him to stop beign mean to me?_ _  
_ _  
_ _Shane, stop being mean to my BFF._  
  
"What did I tell you?"  
  
Shane didn't respond, just mumbled some bullshit as he went back to running his fingers through Ryan's soft, unkempt hair. He closed his eyes and relished the feeling for a little bit, but eventually got a bit curious. He opened his eyes to see what Shane had been talking about, now seeing someone who looks nothing like William Shatner with Spock, whose face he's seen multiple times, whether he wanted to or not. He had to admit it was kind of interesting. He and Shane fell into a weirdly comfortable sort of quiet, save for the occasional joke.  
  
By the time they got to episode five, Ryan could safely say he was completely hooked. Who wouldn’t be, when an emotionless alien starts crying and a shirtless helmsman tries to sword fight his captain? He pointed out his genuine love of that scene to Shane, who laughed and told him that the actor of this crazed fencer— Sulu, Shane called him— is gay, which obviously made Ryan love him eighty times more. They finished that absolute crackhead of an episode in what felt like no time, and Ryan tried to click the button assuring Netflix that they were still watching, but Shane stopped him. ****  
** **

“Do you want your surprise, Ryan?” ****  
** **

“Holy shit I forgot about my surprise! Yes! I want it so much!” ****  
** **

“That’s what she said.” ****  
** **

“I changed my mind, get out of my house.”  ****  
** **

Shane laughed, but told Ryan to sit up (slowly) and wait there. He did so happily, focusing on the fact that he had a surprise instead of the pounding in his head. He wasn’t sure why he was so excited about that— probably just the fact that he was incredibly feverish, mixed with the general excitement that he always felt around Shane. He sat in anticipation anyways, his blanket up on his shoulders, leaving only his head exposed like a gopher peeking out of the ground for a moment or two. Shane came back holding an acoustic guitar, his small smile causing Ryan’s face to break out into a grin of his own. “You’re serious?” ****  
** **

“As always. I have a couple of songs for you, if you want.” ****  
** **

“That literally isn’t even a question.” ****  
** **

“Okay.” Shane took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a few seconds. “Sorry. I’m nervous.” He started strumming, a song familiar enough to practically give Ryan whiplash.  ****  
** **

_“I been thinkin’ ‘bout you, do you think about me still? Do you, do you? Or do you not think so far ahead? ‘Cause I’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout forever…”_ ****  
** **

Ryan could feel his cheeks burning up, just at the thought that his song choice could be more than coincidental. ****  
** **

_“No I don’t like you, I just thought you were cool enough to kick it, got a beach house I can sell you in Idaho. Since you think I don’t love you, I just thought you were cute, that’s why I kiss you, got a fighter jet but I don’t get to fly it when I’m lying down, thinkin’ bout you…”_ ****  
** **

Shane still didn’t make eye contact, his eyes trained on his fingers as they slid across the frets. His cheeks were dusted with a slight pink, the only tell that he wasn’t all that calm, all that collected, as he always made himself out to be.  ****  
** **

Ryan wanted to kiss Shane right there. But he was unimaginably sick, and also terrified of anything that required being bold, so he settled for sitting wrapped in a blanket like a little burrito and trying to commit every second of this experience to memory. Shane finished singing all too soon, a self conscious smile on his face, and Ryan had problems trying to form a sentence for a couple of seconds. ****  
** **

“If you don’t send me videos of you singing for me to listen to in my free time I’ll fucking punch you, I swear to god.” ****  
** **

Shane laughed in a way that reached his eyes, pent up tension being released along with the only sound to match Shane’s singing in beauty. It flowed out of him freely enough that Ryan caught on too, smiling at this big goofball he was unfairly captivated by. He looked down for half a second, doubt flashing in his eyes before he spoke. “I’m glad you liked it.” ****  
** **

“Can you sing more?” ****  
** **

“You really wanna listen to that?” ****  
** **

“Are you kidding me! I’m like, obsessed with your singing voice now that I’ve heard it. You could sing me god damn, I don’t even know, fucking _Hamilton_ and I wouldn’t complain. Well I’d complain, but I’d still be happy to get to listen.” ****  
** **

“Oh?” He smirked and started strumming an upbeat tune, the smug look on his face all too concerning for Ryan.  ****  
** **

“Wait, Shane, what’re you doing.” ****  
** **

_“It must be nice, it must be nice… to have Washington on your side! Every action has its equal opposite reactions. Thanks to Hamilton, our cabinet’s fractured into factions_ —” ****  
** **

“No! I changed my mind! I don’t wanna hear you play Hamilton!” He would’ve been lying if he said it wasn’t catchy, but he had a complete refusal to ever listen to that soundtrack for as long as he lives.  ****  
** **

“Your loss. Do you want to hear some songs that are a little less, what did you call it? E word?” ****  
** **

“I appreciate you not swearing in my household. Yes please.” ****  
** **

And so, Ryan spent the next twenty or so minutes listening to Shane’s carefully emotional strumming, the controlled passion of his singing. He listened until his eyelids felt a little heavier, and he eventually had to let them fall completely closed at around 8, after spending six hours watching Star Trek and being serenaded.  ****  
** **

Ryan decided he’d have to get sick more often.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Easter my dudes! If your family's hella disfunctional but you gotta see them today anyways, I hope this can make up for it! If you don't celebrate Easter... you lucky bastards. Message me on tumblr if you wanna chat! Tell me about something that made you happy this week in the comments!!!  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLik_qWHTncqed9UxeDiiOJHGenvtY8MXy first seven songs of the playlist is stuff that Shane 100% sang to ryan but I didn't write into the story bc it'd be unnecessary lol


	6. Go Bury Your Wife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan nodded, looked out the window, observed the kids seconds away from being late, back to Shane— fuck, he shouldn't have looked at those lips, the Bordeaux lipstick now covering his otherwise soft, pink mouth. He had to fight to pull his eyes away, praying Shane didn't notice him staring.

Ryan walked into science class feeling thoroughly recharged after spending three more days at home. He did all his work, destroyed ass at Mario Kart on Jake's switch, and slept  _ so much _ . The last three days he slept more than he has in the past two weeks, which definitely said something about his mental health, but what can you do?    


Shane was sitting at their desk; looking at his phone, a soft quirk to his lips. Ryan almost didn't want to say anything, wanted to just stare at that smile that’s become the subject of most his thoughts. But then Shane looked up,  and Ryan realized he truly was the luckiest guy on the planet, because that small smile bloomed into a full blown grin. "Ryan! How are you feeling?"

He tried to respond. He really did. He searched around for words a little, dropped his bag, still couldn't figure out what to say. He knew Shane could leave him speechless, but god damn. "When did you learn how to do makeup?" 

He meant to say something else, promise, but it's a miracle he was able to utter even one syllable. Shane didn't seem to mind, just leaned back and seemed to flip on the Carefree Switch. "Last night. Well, I've done makeup before, that's kind of a lie. But I haven't really worn a full face before, so I watched a video instead of my usual freelance experimenting in the bathroom."

Ryan nodded, looked out the window, observed the kids seconds away from being late, back to Shane— fuck, he shouldn't have looked at those lips, the Bordeaux lipstick now covering his otherwise soft, pink mouth. He had to fight to pull his eyes away, praying Shane didn't notice him staring. "Do you mind me asking why the sudden choice?"

"Oh! Yeah, it's actually a funny story. So—"

"Mr. Bergara, can you come up here please?"  They stopped talking when their science teacher spoke up, not moving from where he sat at his desk.

"Uh, sure thing Mr. Oakes. What work do you have for me?"

"Oh, this is about something else." Ryan looked back at Shane with an eyebrow raised, no idea where this was going, but he went with Oakes to his shared closet anyways. The door was closed before he offered any explanation. "Listen. I don't usually get involved in my students' private lives, but do you think you can do me a favour?"

"Sure thing, what is it?" "Can you..." he sighed and leaned against a desk in the storage room. Ryan only noticed in that moment that Oakes is oddly young for a physics teacher. His face was completely devoid of wrinkles, and his black hair was smooth, healthy. His glasses— interestingly in style for a teacher— were slipping down his nose, and he reached out to take them off with slender fingers. "Look out for Madej today, if you can. I've only been teaching at this school for two years, but I know kids can be ruthless sometimes. You guys have a lot of classes together, right?"

"Yeah, four classes."

"Okay. Good. Shane's a good kid. Confident. But I'm just kind of worried about if someone goes beyond the normal teasing for a guy wearing makeup. Do you think you could just... make sure he doesn't get himself into trouble? I know he can cause a problem or two by running his mouth."

"Of course. Just so you know, I totally would've been ready to pummel anyone who even looks at him wrong, anyways. But I uh, y'know, I appreciate that you're looking out for him too. God, I feel like a mom talking about her kid or something."

This got Oakes to laugh, his carefree smile making him look even younger somehow. "I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that to a teacher. But, uh, thanks, Ryan. I'm glad he's got someone looking out for him. Since you're in here you can help me bring out stuff for the lab." Ryan groaned, eliciting another laugh from his teacher, but still allowed his arms to be loaded up. He was instructed to "literally just leave it in a heap on the desk," so once he let the various objects spill out, he sat next to Shane with a wide grin. 

Shane had put headphones in apparently, but he pulled them out when he noticed Ryan next to him. "Hey. What was that all about?"

Ryan had to think of a lie really fast, and he was suddenly very glad for how often he lies to his dad (that shouldn't have hurt somewhere deep inside his chest, but it did anyways). "He wanted to make sure I was okay since I seemed really bad Monday, y’know, before I fainted, so I told him that story but assured him I'm totally fine now. Then he made me carry shit for a lab."

Shane finally matched Ryan's smile, leaning back in his seat. "Can I explain the makeup now or is he gonna interrupt my story?"

"Maybe wait until we start the lab."

"Will do, chief." Ryan seemed to have perfect timing too, because Oakes started passing out packets and yelling out instructinos. They waited patiently for him to be done, Ryan at this point relying on Shane to pay more attention to the actual instructions. When they were finally told to get to work, Shane started going through what they had to do, telling his story as he went along.  "So it all started in my great moral class. We were having a debate about whether corporations should have gendered toy sections, and this one asshole brought up that if boys play with girls toys, they might want to dress like girls too. And I was like, 'okay, and what's wrong with that?' And he was so confused! He was like, 'what do you mean? Boys can't dress like girls.' So I asked why not, but at this point he was getting a little fed up because he realized he doesn't have an actual argument. And then this asshole, he decided to say, 'well I'm just saying there's a lot more guys today who act like girls, and I think it has to do with that, because they got the idea that they can be that way.'"

"Oh my god. Wow. What did you say to that dude?"

"'You still haven't told me what your problem is with men who want to be feminine, or specifically, children. You realize that's what we're talking about, right? Fucking children, Brian. Let me ask you what's worse: letting your six year old son play with dolls, or forcing him to act a way he doesn't want to, always telling him to man up if he cries, forcing him into sports because that's what men do. What do you think would be worse for your kid growing up?'"

"Jesus Christ, you fucking destroyed him!"

"Yeah, right? He was getting really angry at this point, and decided to say, 'I think you might be a little biased.' Now I knew exactly what he was getting at, but I wanted him to say it, y'know? So I was like, 'oh, please tell me exactly what my bias is.' He just kinda straight up said, 'you're a person who's very vocal about being gay, so I think you might just be supporting this because you're part of a community that embraces that sorta stuff.' So I went entirely off on him. I said 'you're seriously going to try to invalidate my argument with the fact that I'm gay? You're saying that just because I like guys, I'm what, trying to force everyone to put their sons in dresses and play with dolls? No! I'm saying why the fuck do toys have to be gendered? Why does it matter what your kid is playing with as long as they're safe and happy? Are you  _ that scared _ of having a gay son, or daughter, that you'd rather ban them from something making them happy than just let them pick something from the 'wrong' section?'"  

"Holy shit!" Ryan recorded his results on his paper as he listened intently, glad he had something he was supposed to focus on so he wouldn't just stare at Shane's gorgeous face the entire time.

"Yeah! So, y'know, makeup."

"I salute you." They fell into a strangely comfortable silence, Ryan contemplating whether or not he'd ever have the kind of confidence to do the same. And as he sat next to his still new friend, seeing him smile out of the corner of his eye, Ryan decided maybe his physics teacher wasn't as much of an asshole as he originally thought.

 

* * *

 

Ryan was almost disappointed in himself for how excited he was for English class today. Then he remembered that he had no dignity left to lose, and let himself get hyped to act with Shane. He completely throws himself into the character, embodies her with every fiber of his being, making it truly impossible to not get swept up in his wave of enthusiasm and have fun with his shitty role.

He would’ve never considered himself an actor. He much preferred to be the one behind the camera, pulling the strings and calling the shots, rather than having to put himself out there and act like another person. But it was fun, with Shane. As much as he was physically repulsed at half the things his character said, he also couldn’t help but laugh when he’d say them and elicit an absurdly overdramatic response from Shane— the only types of responses that guy’s capable of giving— usually resulting in him shouting to no one in particular. 

Ryan was unsure what words transcend “entertaining,” but whatever they are, all of them describe what he got the pleasure of experiencing this English class. Specifically, Shane standing on a desk, meant to imitate a dragon-drawn chariot, shouting about his freshly murdered children to Ryan, the two of them trapped in a heated debate regarding the corpses lying in the chariot. 

“You will suffer too and share in this tragedy!” Ryan pointed up at Shane, trying his best not to be intimidated by the additional height. He noticed that the top of Shane’s head brushed the ceiling. 

“You can be certain of that. But the pain is pleasure if  _ you _ do not laugh.”

“Oh children, what a terrible mother you had.”

“Oh children, how you were destroyed by your father's disease!”

Jen piped up from where she sat, head in her hands, ready to start betting soon. “Fucking roasted! Holy shit, tear him  _ apart  _ Medea!” 

They tried their best not to laugh, continuing on with the back and forths, Ryan genuinely startled at how this was just an escalated version of their normal joking as Shane continued. “Hate me! I, too, hate your irritating voice.”

“And I yours. The separation is easy.”

“What then? I too am eager to make my departure.”

“Allow me to bury my children and mourn over them.”

“No, never!” They went on and on, voices rising parallel to the sting of the insults, until Shane said one specific phrase that straight up murdered Jason. “Go home and bury your wife!” 

That was when he broke. Completely wheezing, grabbing onto the nearest desk for purchase, which just so happened to be where Shane usually sat. “Oh my god. That— that’s seriously in the script? Holy absolute shit, I can’t— I can’t even—”

Shane joined in, soon reducing the entire class to tears over the complete savageness of her character. He had to fight to get the sentence out between the tears and gasping breaths  flowing  freely alongside the laughter. “She is my favourite woman in the world! Oh my god, I love this so much!” 

The energy of that moment died down, and they were able to  _ finally  _ finish the play. Ms. Rosa let them sit back down and told their class when there were five minutes left that she wanted them to do scenes in the drama club’s room tomorrow. Ryan’s been in there exactly once before, a theatre with a small flat space to serve as a stage, and only around seven rows of seats that spanned across the room the size of two classrooms. He figured it made sense, there weren’t usually enough people to warrant selling out an entire auditorium. It had a nice vibe, though, the small space with minimalistic sets and odd pieces of furniture littering the “stage” anytime there was no production to work on.

She also gave them the option to wear costumes if they wanted, and Ryan could  _ feel  _ Shane’s excitement from where he sat across the room. His friend Sara that he sat with started laughing, whispered something in his ear that made a beautiful smile stretch out across his face, lighting up and accentuating all his best features. Jen definitely noticed the goopy look on his face, but she didn’t say anything, so Ryan assumed he was going to be let off the hook this one time. 

But then Coochie Aquarium Fieldtrip buzzed with a notification from Stinky Dyke, which Ryan genuinely regretted opening. Sure enough, he had this dopey, lovestruck look on his face. Infatuation was etched into his face like a goddamn Michelangelo sculpture. _Can u believe he’s not looking at magic johnson like this, but an actual person?_

Ned’s reply was instant, which was genuinely kind of terrifying.

_ Neddie Pot: I love how obvious it is that he’s looking at Shane  _

_ Ryan: i’m feeling very attacked right now and i’m Not mclovin it  _

_ Eugayne: suck it up ryan _

_ Eugayne: (like shanes dick)  _

_ Ryan: sorry, my jaw still hurts from blowing ned’s mom last night  _

_ Eugayne: damnnn, her dicc thicc? _

_ Ryan: omg, i genuinely don’t wanna think about how big ned’s dick must be considering her size. easily eight inches. i’m surprised i was able to take it all.  _

_ Neddie Pot: Never in my life have I regretted being your friends more than in this moment  _

_ Neddie Pot: While I agree that my mom totally has BDE, I think her standards are higher than Ryan  _

_ Ryan: fuck you ned!! i’m a goddamn delight  _

_ Neddie Pot: debatable  _

_ Stinky Dyke: Dw Ryan, ily  _

_ Ryan: i love you too jen and i’m glad someone in this groupchat actually has a valid opinion  _

He pocketed his phone when the bell rung, smile still present on his face from the conversation. When he looked up, his eyes met Shane’s, who was standing much too close. “What’s up, Ry?”

He did his best not to blush at the nickname, but his cheeks did feel a little warm. Damnit. “Bulliyng Ned, talking about how I sucked his mom’s massive peen last night.” 

“He did! I was there.” Jen had the most endearingly adorable look on her face, and Ryan could  _ not  _ understand how she wasn’t drowning in girls by now. If Ryan were a lesbian Jen would be at the top of his list for girls to date— something he actually told her once. It was a fun conversation, one had while they sat on on a lifeguard stand at the beach one night over the summer, the two of them the only people on the whole stretch of sand. They might’ve had, like, a  _ little  _ bit of wine, but he swears they were responsible about it.

_ “For real, Jen. How the fuck are you single? Like, you’re the cutest human ever. If I weren’t gay, I’d probably like, be head over heels for you. You gotta be drowning in girls by now! You’re on a sports team, and you got that sunshine smile, and it makes like, zero sense.”  _

_ “Holy shit, Ryan, I’ve thought the same thing about you! Like, if I was straight, there’s no way I wouldn’t fall in love with you… and your muscles. You’re such a sweetheart! When are you gonna get a boy who appreciates that?”  _

_ “When there are more than like, four openly gay men in my immediate vicinity.” _

_ “Ouch, roast ‘em, Ryan.”  _

_ “Shut up Jen, oh my god.” Ryan laughed even though it wasn’t that funny, took another sip from the wine bottle. “I love you, dude.” _

_ “I love you too, dude.” She rested her head on Ryan’s shoulder after that, comfortable silence following as they listened to the waves crash against the shore, pulling sand in and pushing it back out, an endlessly monotonous cycle that seemed it would never get old.  _

“Yo, space cadet, you gonna answer?”

Ryan blinked up at Shane, drawn out of his thoughts as students piled out of the classroom. “My bad, just started thinking about some good memories. What did you say?”

Jen smiled and ruffled his hair, telling him she had to get going because she had to get to class on time today, leaving the two boys alone. “I asked if you could come to the bathroom with me so I can touch up my  makeup. I  wanna have Muscles Bergara with me.”

Ryan nodded and followed Shane, oddly quiet for the pair as they walked towards the bathroom that would be most empty. Something sat heavy in Ryan’s chest, though, something he couldn’t ignore even if he tried. “Shane, you haven’t, like… nobody’s been giving you trouble, right?”

Shane smiled and looked down at Ryan, mimicking Jen’s actions from earlier by ruffling his hair. It was different though, somehow. His hand lingered a second too long, slid down his face as he retracted it, leaving the phantom of a caress in its wake. “No, surprisingly. Got a couple of looks in great moral, but he was too much of a pussy to say anything. My teacher gave me this special smile, though, which I appreciated. A little way of letting me know that he’s on my side.”

Ryan nodded, drawing his eyes away from Shane’s for a second or two before he forced them back to that gorgeous face. “You promise you’d tell me if there was anyone I had to fuck up? Or at least, y’know, intimidate.” 

“Yeah, don’t worry about it Ryan. Although… I don’t know. Can I be a little bit honest here?” Ryan nodded and followed Shane into the bathroom, both their backpacks being left on the tiles as Shane made his way over to the mirror. Ryan sat on the windowsill of the bathroom, legs crossed and his elbow on his knee. He rested his chin on his fist, admiring the care with which Shane applied the makeup. “I might’ve asked you to come along just ‘cause, like, I was a bit concerned someone might try to pull something if I were alone somewhere without cameras. You know? Like, in case they were too scared to do anything in public, they could’ve cornered me in here or something. I don’t know. It’s kind of irrational, but I—”

“Shane, it’s not irrational at all. Our school is like, weirdly ignorant of the vague homophobia most out kids experience daily. I’d be scared too, not gonna lie. But I also wanna let you know that I genuinely don’t mind if you want me to like, you know, walk you to your classes and stuff, make sure nobody looks at you wrong so I don’t have to acquaint them with The Friends of Ryan Bergara.” 

“Who are The Friends of Ryan Bergara?”

He held up his two fists with a grin, seeing the look in Shane’s eyes shift slightly. “These bad boys right here.”

“Oh my god, you’re so stupid,” Shane managed to wheeze out as he capped the lipstick tube. 

“Don’t lie to me, Shane. You love it.” 

“Well… can’t deny too much there.” Ryan grinned, and Shane smiled right back at him. The bell rung clearly, noises of the hallways now subsided to the occasional shuffle of feet, but Shane still kept looking at Ryan. “Can I propose something super stupid?”

“I love doing stupid things.”

“Do you wanna, uh, ditch US gov today? I get really bad vibes from Friedman. He just… I don’t know, I’m pretty good at reading people, right? And just, something about him, I get this really strong feeling that he won’t really like the fact that I’m wearing makeup to school. Of course, you don’t have to ditch with me. I don’t want your attendance to get fucked up or anything like that, and I—”

“Stop rambling Shane, I’d love to ditch with you. Let’s just hang out in here since it doesn’t smell like literal shit for once.” Shane grinned at Ryan, packed away all his makeup, and moved to sit next to him on the windowsill. 

Ryan rested his head on Shane’s shoulder. 

Shane didn’t pull away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hooooo nelly, there's... A Lot coming up, so, take some boys being sweet in the meantime :)  
> message me on tumblr at trash-lez!! tell me about your pets if you have any!!!


	7. What're you, a fucking demon?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For however much Ryan loved basketball, he hated the locker rooms. If you had to choose one place in the world to personify toxic masculinity, high school boys’ locker rooms would win by miles. 
> 
> He tried really hard not to listen to what some of the guys would say. It made Ryan feel genuinely nauseous, hearing the way they would talk about girls. Until he heard someone say Shane's name, which immediately made him turn, something burning deep in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: explicit homophobia, violent fight scene (and mentions of blood), vivid descriptions of panic attack. If any of that’s triggering lmk and I could sum up the chapter if you want :)

Shane and Ryan were offbeat today. 

It started in Science class, when Ryan tried to crack a joke, but Shane told him to shut up so he could pay attention. That was fine, they always talked like that. Except his words were sharp, annoyed. It didn’t seem like a joke when Shane said it, so Ryan just stayed quiet the rest of the period, even after the bell rung and they were all packed up. 

Shane didn’t walk Ryan to his next class. 

Zach noticed that Ryan was off, but every time he tried to bring it up, Ryan just waved him off and assured him everything was okay. Zach didn’t seem at all convinced, but Ryan couldn’t find it in himself to care. Shane singlehandedly crushed his good mood like a bear could crush a butterfly, and Ryan was just trying his best not to think about why it hurt so damn much. 

He was quiet in almost all his classes, even in English class, when they sat in drama club’s theatre and everyone prepared scenes for a grade. Rosa had decided she wanted everyone in groups to memorize scenes from the play, extra credit for props and costumes. Jen and Sara noticed something was off with them, could perhaps feel the negative energy radiating off of the two. But nobody mentioned it, even when they all decided to use today just to memorize lines while everyone around them threw themselves into acting. 

Shane walked by Ryan’s side to US Gov, but there were no words exchanged between the two. Shane even took his phone out and answered a few texts. Ryan hated the ache in his chest, especially the way it grew when he went over the past few days to try and figure out what he did wrong. They took their seats silently, Ryan immediately going to his laptop instead of trying to make small talk, feeling that would somehow make it worse. 

Ryan went to the library during lunch. 

He didn’t even eat. Suddenly his stomach felt it would empty itself of all contents if Ryan tried to have anything, so he just sat in the corner with soft, ambient music pumping through his headphones as he did homework. He noticed someone sat next to him, but he didn’t look up from the textbook he was using. Not until someone pulled a headphone out of his ear. Ryan finally looked to his left, and saw Zach sitting there, looking sheepish. “Don’t you have a class, korndiddy?” 

He smiled softly at Ryan, the same way one might smile at an injured child. “Just gym. I’m guessing you’ve noticed how Shane’s acting by now?” Ryan didn’t mean to wince, but he couldn’t help but respond physically to the somewhat painful memory. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. I’m not allowed to tell you what’s bothering him, but uh… don’t take it personally, alright? He’s just got something going on, and he doesn’t want to talk to anyone. He feels bad for snapping at you earlier.”

“If he feels bad he sure didn’t show it.” 

Zach sighed and patted Ryan’s shoulder. “He’s just… not at his best. If I see him before ninth period, I’m gonna ask him to talk to you about it.”

Ryan really hoped Shane would. 

* * *

Ryan smiled and waved at Shane when he walked into trig. As much as he was hurt by Shane not speaking to him the whole day— not even a single text, just a snapchat before school to keep their streak up— he knew what it was like to be going through something, and figured it would only be worse for his friend if Ryan started acting like a dick back to him. Shane offered a small smile, but didn’t say anything else as he sat next to Ryan. 

He had a hard time concentrating during class, worry plaguing his mind. He didn’t know what was wrong, or how bad it was. He didn’t think Shane was okay, and Ryan was finally able to understand his friend’s reaction when he had the flu. It sucks to see someone you care so much about be in any form of pain, especially emotional. 

They didn’t talk during or after class, the silence tugging at Ryan’s heart. The bell rung, and Shane walked out by Ryan’s side, all the way to where Ryan turned left to go to basketball and Shane turned right for play rehearsal. “I’m gonna, uh, gonna go to practice now.”

Shane nodded, a far away look on his face. “Yeah. Okay. And uh, Ryan…” Ryan looked up, hopeful, yet praying it didn’t show. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you or anything by not talking to you. It’s just… something that’s going on. I’ll tell you about it later, if you want.” 

Ryan wanted to know more, wanted to assure Shane that he had all the time in the world, that he would miss practice completely if he said the word. But instead, he stepped forward to give Shane a short hug. “Whatever it is, I’m here for you, Shane.” 

And just like that, they parted. 

* * *

For however much Ryan loved basketball, he hated the locker rooms. If you had to choose one place in the world to personify toxic masculinity, high school boys’ locker rooms would win by miles. All of the sexist talk about (and objectification of) the "hottest girls in school," the absurdly potent smell of sweat and Axe, the dicks that did not need to be out but were anyways, and the worst of it all— the need to simultaneously prove their unwavering heterosexuality, yet assert their dominance and show they are, in fact, superior, even in terms of sex appeal.

Ryan didn't worry about any of the above, of course. He was gay as hell, and even though none of his team knew that (save for Ned , Jen and Eugene), Ryan made a point to not get involved in any of those disgusting conversations (he learned a while ago that telling them they were being disgusting did nothing to deter the talk). Yeah, the smell was gross, but you get used to it eventually. And Ryan could not give a single shit about "asserting his dominance" or anything of the sort. He just went into the locker rooms, got changed, and left as soon as he was able to. He also tried really hard not to listen to what some of the guys would say. It made Ryan feel genuinely nauseous, hearing the way they would talk about girls. Until he heard someone say Shane's name, which immediately made him turn, something burning deep in his chest. "No, I'm honestly proud of that little gay boy. Like, he must be _super_ gay to be president of the Fag Club. Quite the accomplishment."

Ryan was in the guy's face quickly enough that everybody was shocked, eyes blazing, mind blank save for anger. "The fuck did I just hear you say?"

He looked at Ryan for a second or two with intrigue, maybe planning how he’d handle the situation. Then he made a big mistake. "I was just talking about how I saw that faggot Madej wearing _makeup_ the other day. Like, how fucking gay can you get?" There was something mocking in his tone. It wasn't some big secret that Shane and Ryan were close friends, anybody with two eyes could see that, and this kid was _obviously_ looking for trouble.

Ryan took a step closer, all too aware of this jackass's friends nearby, the eyes turning to look at his back. He didn't care though. "If you say one more fucking word about him, I'll fuck you up so badly you'll be breathing through a tube." Ryan meant it, too. This dumbass was the only one in the room who wasn't taking Ryan seriously. Distantly, he was aware that every single other person in the locker room went silent, and there were definitely a few phones recording this. No matter.

"Oh? Why, is that queer yours? Is he _your_ little fag, Bergara?" He moved an inch closer, never once breaking eye contact with Ryan. "Are you a faggot like him?"

"You absolute son of a bitch." Ryan slammed him into the locker with more force than he's ever used in his life. The other was able to land one punch on Ryan’s face, good enough of a blow that Ryan could feel blood drip out of his nose. It trickled down his lip carelessly, as though it didn’t realize Ryan didn’t have time to deal with wiping away blood. 

Ryan’s hands, however, were still fisted in the kid’s shirt, and he threw him to the ground. Something in the back of his mind winced at the sound the guy's head made when it hit the cement, and the groan that came after. Ryan got on top of him and threw punch after punch, not stopping when his knuckles were stained red, not stopping when the kid's mouth was also dribbling blood— his mind was entirely consumed by rage. “I’m sorry! I take it back, I didn’t mean it, I—”

“Shut the fuck up, you homophobic piece of shit.” Ryan slammed his head into the ground again, despite the fact that the guy’s speech already sounded like he was underwater with all the blood in his mouth. 

Ryan breathed hard, trying to get all the air he could into his now aching lungs. Mouth open, he could taste the metallic liquid drip onto his lips, but that didn’t stop him, either. Instead he just sniffed to get the blood to flow less quickly and tried to ignore the scent of sweat managing to combine with blood. 

The thing that did stop Ryan, eventually, was when his eyes rolled backwards and he stopped fighting back entirely. As Ryan ceased, he saw that some of the blood dropped from his nose onto the guy’s now unconscious face. That's what snapped Ryan entirely back into reality. He stood up off him, looked at how bloody his hands were, back to the guy who was now unconscious, and panicked a little bit. "Fuck. Shit. Guys, I— I didn't— I didn't mean to get carried away, I-I don't know where that came from..." Everybody on the team was in a crowd around them, unmoving, silent. Until Ned stepped forward and clapped Ryan on the back.

"Serves him right for trying to test you." Soon the rest of the guys were, surprisingly enough, proud of Ryan. They all agreed that he totally had it coming to him, and "Brian's always been a major asshole anyways." But that didn't stop the pit of guilt deep in his gut.

"Guys, I went too far, I shouldn't have... done that. Fuck, can someone take him to the nurse or something? He's fucking unconscious guys, I don't want— I didn't want to hurt him that badly." They all looked uneasily at each other, but eventually two guys lifted him of the ground and supported him between themselves. He seemed to be coming-to a little bit, garbled speech that sounded like he’d just taken a sip of water, which made Ryan feel a little bit better. "I'm gonna— I uh, I have to wash my hands."

Ryan threw his backpack on his shoulder and left the locker rooms as fast as he could, pretty much slamming open the door to the nearest bathroom. He threw his backpack onto the tiles haphazardly, grabbed some toilet paper from a stall to stuff up his nose, not even remotely in the mood to deal with that. Instead Ryan turned the sink on as hot as he could and kept scrubbing his hands over and over, trying to get the blood off them. How poetic. He was sure if Shane were here, he would've made a joke, maybe referenced a certain Scottish play. "Gee Ryan, looks like I caught you... red handed." It was kind of impressive how after beating the living shit out of someone, Ryan could let out such a high pitched scream.

"What the fuck Shane. Did I just summon you with my thoughts or something? What're you, a fucking demon?" His voice was somewhat nasally from the paper shoved up his nose, but neither of them mentioned it.

Instead, Shane placed his hand on his chest dramatically. "You were thinking of _moi?"_

"Shut up, Shane." Ryan kept scrubbing, pushing the soap dispenser for the fifth time. "What are you doing here?"

He scratched the back of his head at that, looking away from Ryan. "Uh, Eugene found me, I was after school working on the show. He told me that you beat some kid up because he was talking shit about me, and said I should find you."

Ryan smiled down at his hands. "I think you're the only person who would drop what they're doing to go to a random bathroom because their friend beat someone up." Shane walked over at that and grabbed Ryan's wrists. He looked at Ryan until he made eye contact, voice soft, caring.

"Hey. Stop washing your hands, Lady Macbeth. There's no more blood." There it is. After a small giggle, Ryan looked down and saw that he was right— although his hands were a bit raw from how aggressively he'd been washing them. Everything that happened in the last ten minutes hit Ryan like a brick, breaking through the fog in his head, and he felt a little weak. Actually— a lot. Like he was probably about to fall over, as his body grew heavier but his mind got lighter, his vision clouded, the world spinning.

Shane must've noticed, because as Ryan was getting more and more lightheaded, Shane stepped forward and pulled Ryan into his arms. He accepted the hug gladly and put the majority of his weight onto Shane (and honestly, Kudos to Shane for being able to support all of him). "Shane. I—I don't think you realize how bad it is. What I did. It-it was... I'm a fucking monster." Shane's hands rubbed Ryan's back, warm and grounding.

"I hate to burst your bubble, but I saw a video. I was actually watching it as I walked over to the bathroom." He winced a bit before continuing. "I also saw some of the things he was saying. I... I'm sorry that hanging out with me got slurs thrown at you, too. It's unfair that you should face that shit just 'cause you're friends with me." Ryan stepped back, which was admittedly a mistake because he still wasn't feeling so hot (but of course, Shane fucking Madej grabbed onto his arms and held onto him; by this point, Shane was becoming his lifeline), but he had to look Shane in the eyes when he said this.

"I could _not_ care less about being called a faggot. I mean, I can't stand hearing any straight boys saying it, no matter what the context, but it makes me angry more than it hurts me."

"I know, but—"

"Shane, I'm not done." Ryan took a deep breath, unsure why he was nervous. "I just... hearing him say those things about you made me angrier than I've ever been in my whole entire life. I don't think I was even that mad when my parents got divorced. I was fucking _blinded_ by rage— I thought that shit only happened in books! He— he called you 'gay boy,' he said you're 'president of the fag club,' he was—" Ryan didn't notice how tightly his fists were clenched until Shane gently grabbed his hands and peeled back his fingers. He exhaled deeply and focused on how Shane laced their fingers together. "He made fun of you for wearing makeup. I can't— I couldn't just stand there and let him say that. I couldn't." He didn't know Shane was crying until he heard him sniffle. It was a quiet sound, obviously not meant for Ryan to hear, but that didn't stop him. He looked up and saw his friend’s eyes red. "Shane? Oh, Shane, I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have repeated it, fuck, I didn't think about how it would hurt hearing that again."

Shane shook his head with a sad smile. "No, Ryan, you did nothing wrong. I uh, I'm crying because…” Shane breathed deeply, ran this thumb across Ryan’s knuckles. “You didn't have to do that, you know? I get it a lot. I've been openly gay since eighth grade. I'm pretty much immune to all the shit they say by now, you didn't have to do that for me."

"Yes I did Shane.” He ripped the toilet paper out, sure that the bleeding should’ve subsided by now, but he was so focused on the conversation he didn’t even feel guilty about letting it fall to the floor. “I couldn't let anybody talk about you like that. You're so much more than your sexuality, you know? You're so fucking smart it blows my mind, and you're talented, beautiful, hilarious, and you've got your weird comments and habits, and I just— anybody who could say something like _that,_ about someone like _you,_ deserves more than what I did to that fucker."

Shane looked away and wiped his eyes again. "Y'know... nobody's stuck up for me. Like, ever. I'm a fucking senior, and in all five years I've been openly gay, nobody's ever told anybody to shut up except for, well, me. My friends have always had my back, sometimes they’d tell someone to fuck ff, but it’d just be left at that. I’ve always been the one defending myself.”

Ryan's heart broke at that. Completely shattered, left in little shards littering his chest; puncturing his lungs with every deep inhale, feeling them dig in and make breathing that much more painful. He had no idea what to do, so he just wrapped his arms around Shane's waist and hugged him tightly. Shane hugged him back. Ryan's head rested on his shoulder, Shane's arms on his back, and they stayed that way for a long while. "Just so you know, I'll beat the shit out of anybody who ever tries to say shit to you. I'll beat up the president if I have to.”

"If I had the muscles, I'd do the same." Shane pulled back a little bit and let one hand gently rub Ryan's cheek. They looked at each other silently for a while, seemingly frozen in the moment. However, Ryan’s mind wanted to make sure to remind him that the world was indeed spinning much too fast on its axis, informing him with the way his pulse started to pick up as he felt increasingly dizzy.

He wasn't sure why he felt so scared all of a sudden, but fear gripped him with tight fists. His heart was going fast, way too fucking fast, his body started trembling and his entire body was engulfed in a wave of heat. As his chest felt like six feet of dirt was pressing against it, Ryan stood there, shaking, thinking, _this is it, this is how I'm gonna die. After beating someone up and never even kissing Shane Madej, I'm gonna die on a bathroom floor. I'm gonna have a heart attack and fall and bleed out and everybody will be shocked and say "what a waste of potential" and—_

"Ryan? You okay bud?"

“Uh, not sure. I’m probably about to pass out or something and crack my head open on the tiles because my legs don’t feel like they work anymore and my brain’s spinning too much.” Ryan sunk to his knees, trying to avoid what had happened last week with him fainting in the middle of the day. “I’m also pretty sure I’m like, about to die of a heart attack right here right now. Wanna have my record collection if the doctors can’t revive me?”

Shane flashed a soft smile and kneeled right in front of Ryan, taking both his hands and pressing them up against his chest. “Hey. Feel my breaths, Ry. You feel the way my chest is moving?” Ryan nodded, enjoying how close they were. “I want you to match our breathing. Can you do that for me? Just, breath in and out, at the same time I do. Got it?” Ryan nodded again and did as instructed, bringing his breathing to a slow, steady pace. His heart was still beating obnoxiously fast, chest feeling like it had a knife stuck in the middle of it. “You’re not going to die, Ryan. This is just a panic attack, okay? You’re gonna be fine. I’ll make sure nothing bad happens to you.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” Shane stood up at that, offering a hand to Ryan. "I think you need food, a hug, and a good drink of water. C'mon, I'll bring you to a Taco Bell or something." His arms wrapped themselves around Ryan’s waist once he stood, pulling him close. Ryan was almost entirely surrounded, his mind repeating Shane’s name like a mantra. Breathe in deeply, let out a shaky breath, choose not to fight the few tears that came to the surface, repeat. Shane just stood by through it all, rubbing Ryan’s back, whispering in his ear that he’d be okay, he wasn’t dying, this would all be over fast and soon he could have a cheesy gordita, or a crunch wrap supreme, or whatever his heart desired. 

Ryan did start to feel calmer, and the world seemed to spin less, so he stepped away from Shane. His friend turned to leave the bathroom, hand lightly brushing up against Ryan’s where it sat at his side, but Shane seemed to have had another thought. "Oh, you might wanna put on your sweatshirt now. It’s in the 40’s, and looking like storm clouds.”

Ryan chose not to answer and walked right next to Shane’s side, feeling somewhat uneasy at being in studentless hallways. There was something to be said about being in your school when it was empty, silent. Half of the hallways didn’t even have lights turned on, and the only sounds to be heard were the rolling carts of janitors, the occasional shuffle of their shoes or music playing loud enough in their headphones that you could hear it when they’d pass by. The strangeness of an empty school at five on a Thursday settled deep in Ryan’s stomach, but he denied himself further introspection in favour of talking to Shane. "Don't you have rehearsal or something?"

Shane waved his hand and scoffed at that. "Rehearsal Schmersal. I care more about you."

Ryan swears up and down that his entire face didn't go red at that comment, but on an entirely unrelated note, he went back to the previous conversation. "My sweatshirt's in the locker rooms and I don't really wanna go back there."

Shane frowned, grabbed Ryan's hand, and pulled him down the familiar path to his locker. Ryan was a little confused as Shane stood there, trying to open it, but he finally got it (after kicking it the first failed attempt) and grabbed something out of it. He handed Ryan his Award Winning Schaumburg High Drama Club sweatshirt, the black hoodie with the drama club logo on front, and of all things a Danny DeVito quote on the back. "You can wear this, since you don't wanna go back in the locker rooms. You'll be an honorary theater kid!"

Ryan rolled his eyes but put the sweatshirt on anyways, which was indeed significantly warmer. When Shane wasn't looking he pulled the neck up a bit to smell it. And sure enough— it smelled just like Shane Madej. Cinnamon (probably all that fucking chai tea he drinks), Old Spice and, interestingly, like the forest. He smiled at the smell, too wrapped up in his own mind to notice Shane had taken a picture. "Shane! Why would you do that! I look so gross right now! I literally got punched in the face, like, fifteen minutes ago.”

Shane laughed and slung an arm around Ryan's shoulder. "I think you look adorable. That's like, what, eight sizes too big for you?"

"I'm a medium, asshole." Ryan leaned into said asshole's touch anyways, not minding one bit when that smell of cinnamon and forests and old spice was significantly stronger.

"Meh, I'd say you're a large asshole, but I haven't measured it so..."

"Oh my god. Shut the fuck up right now before I—"

"Before you what? Hit me?"

"... I was gonna say kiss you, but now that offer's retracted."

Shane whined at him when he said that, pushing his shoulder a bit (which unfortunately meant he took his arm off of Ryan). "That's so unfair. I mean, c'mon, I'm about to get you food, and this is the thanks I get?"

"Alright, fine, c'mere." Shane gladly leaned his face down, expecting a kiss on the cheek, but Ryan licked his face instead.

"Ew! What the hell Ryan! Why!" Ryan was cracking up laughing, and in a moment of pure pettiness, Shane reached out, grabbed Ryan's arm, and used it to wipe off the spit.

Ryan laughed some more, pointing out, "that's your sweatshirt you're wiping it on." Shane groaned and pretended to slam is head into the locker (Ryan figured out his trick after the third time he did it; Shane just kicks the one next to it at the same time his head connects. Such a drama king).

"All I do is try to be nice, yet the universe thwarts me." Ryan was still standing nearby, giggling uncontrollably, tears starting to form in his eyes. "And look at that! Ryan Bergara is still fucking adorable, what did I do to deserve this punishment?"

"You didn't let me copy your answers for physics."

"That's because my answers were wrong! I wanted you to do it yourself so you had a better chance of getting them right!"

"Excuses, excuses." Ryan took two steps forward to Shane and tugged the sleeve of the denim jacket he wore (Ryan still regretted giving it back to him, and was totally gonna keep the drama club sweatshirt). "Come on Shane, I was promised food. I won't wait forever."

Shane followed live a lovesick puppy, zero hesitation in his steps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, so uh... yikes!!!! that's all I have to say about that lmao. also thank y'all for all the comments, they literally mean the world to me and I love all of you


	8. Homophobia Squared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane picked his head up at that, his eyes red and puffy, the skin around it wet. Ryan retracted his arms, used the sleeve of the sweatshirt underneath his jacket to wipe the tears off Shane’s face as the other hand held his face steady. Shane leaned into the touch with closed eyes. Ryan realized in that moment, sitting on the lifeguard stand with Shane just an inch away, cool breeze blowing around them and a warm blanket for protection, that his feelings for Shane weren’t entirely one sided.

At the drive through window, Shane got Ryan a bag full of ice to put on his nose so it didn’t get too bad. As he sat there, ice numbing his face and soda coating his throat, there was a beat of uncomfortable silence. “Do you wanna hang out, Ryan?”

“Yeah, sure. What do you wanna do?” 

Shane tapped the steering wheel impatiently, stuck at a red light. “Wanna go to the beach?” 

“It’s freezing out, Shane.” 

“I’ll grab us some jackets and a blanket from my house.” 

Ryan thought for a second or two, not really having all that much of an argument against it. “Why not.” 

He waited in the car while Shane went inside his house, took advantage of his absence to hook his phone up to the speakers. He scrolled through all his playlists until he found the mood he was in— a playlist titled  _ bittersweet melodies,  _ because yeah, Ryan got edgy like that sometimes. And so he listened to Elliot Smith sing  _ Oh Well, OK,  _ feeling an uncomfortably strong sort of connection to the lyrics. 

_ The bleeding colour gone to black, dying like a day. Couldn’t figure out what made you so unhappy, shook your head to say no, no, no.  _

Ryan was worried about Shane— that much was a given. He wanted to try and help Shane, unsure if he’d have to pry the information out of his dying hands, or if it would come easily once Shane was comfortable. Was there even anything he’d be able to do about it? What if it’s one of those Big Things, the kind that he’ll always try to help with, despite the futility of his efforts. 

Shane came back, a smile on his face to pull Ryan away from introspection. “Here, I grabbed you a jacket.” 

_ If you get a feeling that it’s time you see me, do me a favour and let me know. Cause it’s hard to tell, it’s hard to say, “oh well, OK.”  _

Ryan grinned when he saw the denim jacket Shane had given him when he was sick. “You know I’m like, never giving this back, right?”

“What? No! Denim jackets are part of my signature look, you can’t just  _ take it!” _

“I can, and I will.” Ryan slipped it over Shane’s sweatshirt, relishing in the added layer of heat. 

“Why do you need  _ my  _ jacket? Why can’t you get your own?”

“Yours is warm. It’s big. It smells like you.” 

“That’s fucking creepy, Ryan. Remind me to lock the doors tonight.” The blush on Shane’s cheeks seemed to prove that it was not, in fact, all that creepy. 

“I’m still keeping it.” 

Ryan didn’t bring up the subject of Shane’s mood until they were sitting on a lifeguard chair together. He got flashbacks to being up here with Jen. It was different, though, in way too many ways. 

There wasn’t even an inch of space between them, a thick blanket wrapped around both of their shoulders as they looked out at the waves crashing against the shore. Wearing away at the rocks, taking them apart slowly, littering the ocean with their missing grains of sand. Over time, reducing them from cliffs to stones. “Shane… I don’t know what happened that made you act the way you have been, but, I don’t know. It’s hard to see you like that, and I just wanna let you know that if you wanna talk about it you can, but I won’t pressure you into it if you don’t want to.”

“Thank you, Ryan. I just, y’know, homophobia kinda sucks. A lot. I came into school in the morning and somebody carved faggot into my locker, and I was like, okay, that’s whatever. I was just gonna do what I had to, even though when I opened my locker a flier for a conversion camp slipped out, I was like whatever. It’s a joke that wasn’t even all that funny, I wouldn’t give some asshole the satisfaction of seeing me cry over a dumb piece of fucking paper. It put me in a bit of a bad mood, but I didn’t wanna deal with it, which is why I kinda snapped at you during science class. I just wanted to go about my day, learn what I had to learn, then cry or yell or whatever when the day was done.

“It would’ve been fine, but in my art class with Zach, I went to get what I’d been working on and someone had totally ruined it by painting fag on it. I was upset, cause I’d been working super hard. It was actually… ugh. She wanted to push us to think so far outside the box that we couldn’t find our way back if we tried. She wanted us to make a caricature of someone through an inanimate object, and I was trying to convey you, through a flower. I have a picture of before it got fucked up, I like to track my progress, but it’s not the same. She was super mad about it, telling me she’d check the security tapes and find out who did it, but I just told her it didn’t matter, it was fine, I don’t care all that much. I’ve gotta be strong in situations like that. 

“Being weak isn’t even an option. It’s like, I’m the most outspoken gay kid in our school, right? I can’t let them think that a couple of dumb words can break me. I can’t let them think that Shane Fucking Madej will cease to prosper just because someone doesn’t like the fact that I kiss boys. But it was also totally impossible to keep all that shit down, and also be myself, not without going somewhere to scream and cry and get it all out, but I couldn’t really do that. Which was why, I admit, I was a major asshole. You can say whatever you want to my face, you can punch me and scream at me all you want, but that…”

Ryan put an arm around Shane’s waist, squeezing tightly as Shane gladly accepted the comfort. “I’m listening, Shane. You can take your time.”

“I worked really hard on it. It’s my  _ art _ . I made that shit from scratch, pure creativity. I was even a little proud of it. And it was,  _ ugh _ , how do I say this without sounding like a total loser? It was gonna be a little bit of a present for you, just like, a way to show my thanks? I don’t know, I just was kinda super excited to give it to you. It was this beautiful rose, thorns and all, and it was surrounded by trash, growing through the smallest crack in a downright  _ disgusting _ sidewalk. There wasn’t an ounce of sunlight in the sky— I was actually planning on adding dark smog— but the flower stood out. All that shit, trying to hold it down, but this flower still prospered. It was still gorgeous, after it had to push through the sidewalk. It was still beautiful, even surrounded by ugliness. It still let its colours shine vibrant, trying to make the world a little bit better, even if it was the only one trying. Which only made it even more admirably stunning, because it stood out against all these obstacles. 

“I thought that was a good way to personify you. I’ve never worked harder on an art piece that wasn’t for some sort of final grade, or just me trying to get into an art show, desperate to please my parents and to show off my capability. And then he ruined it that fucking easily. All it took was a bit of red paint to wash that hard work down the drain. So that was the last straw for me, emotionally, I guess. I figured the only way I could avoid some sort of meltdown was to not let myself have any feelings at all. That’s why I didn’t talk to you, because it would just hurt knowing what I couldn’t give you, and how you’d understand anyways. It was kinda mean of me, but I just…” 

Shane’s voice broke, and whatever thoughts came to mind must have ripped away the last of the barrier holding back his tears. It was only a few at first, light sniffles. Ryan turned to hug Shane fully, tightly wrapping his arms around Shane’s waist. His voice shook and wavered, a sound that made Ryan want to turn this motherfucker into  _ pulp.  _ “I couldn’t even try to tell you, because I knew you’d get mad, I knew you’d want to march down to the security office yourself to find them and beat them up. I didn’t want you to get yourself in trouble. And-and I just, I—” a sob racked its way through his body and he buried his face in Ryan’s shoulder. Ryan rubbed his back, trying his best to soothe him. 

“It’s alright, Shane. Let it all out. I’ve got you. You don’t have to say anything.” He sat there holding Shane’s shaking body for at least ten minutes, not minding a single second of it. He knew he should’ve, but Shane had essentially done the same for him twice before when he had a panic attack. It was the least he could do for this angel of a human being. “I have an idea for how you can fix the art.”

Shane picked his head up at that, his eyes red and puffy, the skin around it wet. Ryan retracted his arms, used the sleeve of the sweatshirt underneath his jacket to wipe the tears off Shane’s face as the other hand held his face steady. Shane leaned into the touch with closed eyes. Ryan realized in that moment, sitting on the lifeguard stand with Shane just an inch away, cool breeze blowing around them and a warm blanket for protection, that his feelings for Shane weren’t entirely one sided. He realized that Shane _has_ to like him that way, or he wouldn’t have acted the way he has been these past two weeks, ever since he got sick. He wouldn’t have taken Ryan to the doctor, or _serenaded_ _him_ ; he wouldn’t have gone running to find Ryan freaking out in the bathroom or give Ryan his _favourite_ jacket and his drama club sweatshirt. 

They wouldn’t be sitting here, no space between them from the beginning, and Shane wouldn’t have sought out Ryan’s comfort, or at least, wouldn’t be leaning into a much too intimate touch with  _ that  _ look on his face. He wouldn’t have made Ryan a drawing comparing him to a rose. 

This realization settled in Ryan’s chest, a good kind of weight. But Ryan was smart enough not to bring it up; not now, at least. Right now, Shane was fragile. Shane needed him as a friend, all else be damned. Shane had a hell of a fucking day, from all the bullshit he had to face to Ryan’s outburst on his behalf. Ryan wouldn’t, he  _ couldn’t,  _ introduce something else so intense to Shane’s life right now. It just… wouldn’t be the right thing to do. The right thing to do is to hold Shane close, make sure he knows that everything will be okay, help him through this. 

Which inspired Ryan’s next words. “Your artwork. It was about being resilient, growing through and despite all the garbage and terrible shit around it, right?” Shane nodded, following Ryan somewhat, but not knowing what would be coming next. “So wouldn’t the flower be beautiful in the face of some dumb slur? Wouldn’t it find a way to make its beauty outshine that hatred?”

Shane’s eyes lit up, and Ryan felt like he was definitely feeling something more than a crush at this point. He had to, giving that he literally  _ saw  _ the change in Shane’s brain, the way his face and eyes reflected the wave of inspiration that washed over him. “You are so fucking smart, Ryan Bergara. Holy shit! You’re so— god, I could  _ kiss you—  _ uh, I mean like, y’know, I’m speaking figuratively.” He coughed into his hand, face burning bright red. “Like, I don’t  _ want  _ to kiss you, I— uh, can I just hug you again?”

Ryan cracked up laughing and pulled Shane in, now resting his cheek on Shane’s shoulder, his face nestled perfectly in the little crook where shoulder blades met neck. Shane put his own head on top of Ryan’s, and he remembered a while ago when a very delirious Ryan talked to Shane about contentment.  

Ryan definitely felt content. 

* * *

He was only in science class for five minutes before he got the call he was expecting. Oakes stopped teaching and answered the phone with a visible change in expression. “Okay. Yeah, I’ll do that in a few minutes, I just have to get through something.”

Oakes finished talking to the class about their homework assignment for the weekend— a partner project on a physical anomaly that can’t be explained— then made his way around the room, handing out sheets with instructions. He made his way to Shane and Ryan’s table last, no surprise. He leaned over on the desk with a smile, one that was a little too knowing. His youth always startles Ryan. “I didn’t want you to take my advice  _ that  _ seriously, Bergara.” 

“You know what I did?”

“Eh, word travels. They need you at the main office.” 

“Yikes. Just for your own conscience, though, I did that of my own volition.”

“I salute you, Ryan.” 

He’d been in the middle of packing up at that sentence, but he stopped immediately, looked up at Oakes with confusion. “You just called me by my first name.”

“Yeah. Don’t get used to it, Bergara.” He winked when he said that and walked away, leaving Ryan to stare at Shane. 

Shane seemed to have other focused as he spoke, though, complete ltd ignoring their teacher being weird and cryptic. “What was his ‘advice?’ Was that why he pulled you aside the other day?”

“I’ll tell you when I’m done getting my ass verbally kicked.”

So he made his way to the main office, dreading the upcoming conversation. He walked in, no introduction needed as all the secretaries smiled at him. “You can go straight to Principal Berns’ office, sweetie.”

Ryan smiled and thanked them, glad they weren’t treating him like some delinquent, some violent jock who beats people up in the locker rooms. He wondered how much of the story they knew. He wondered how much Berns knew— and whether he would care that Brian called him and Shane faggots, if he would do anything about the blatant hate speech. 

The door was open when he walked in, Berns smiling wide. Unsettling. “Ryan! The man of the hour.” Berns did this weird thing where he’d try to make kids like him by acting like he’s one of them. It never works. “So. We gotta have a little chat about what happened yesterday. Have a seat. Coffee?” He motioned to a cart next to him with coffee dispensers, and despite how tempted he was, Ryan tapped into those good manners he was raised with. 

“No thank you, sir.” 

“Alright. So, I’ll start this off by saying you don’t need to worry. Really, I just wanna talk. I’ve already discussed things with your coach, and Brian's at the dean’s office right now. You… well, this isn’t exactly black and white, right and wrong, Ryan. I’m guessing you know that.” Ryan nodded, trying to remember to sit with his back straight and hands folded in his lap. “I’ve seen some of the videos kids took, and heard mostly everything except for what provoked you to get involved. Could you tell me about that? It’s really important for me to know how this got started.” 

Ryan nodded and swallowed around the dry lump in his throat. He wished he had water, but he didn’t want to go digging around in his bag for it. “Well, uh, I don’t usually listen to locker room talk. It’s super gross stuff, lots of disgusting things about girls, and I’ve kinda turned off the part of my mind that gets mad over stuff they say. But then I heard one guy mention Madej and I listened, because he’s my friend, y’know? He said something to his friend, like, ‘I’m proud of that gay boy. He must be  _ super _ gay to be the  _ president  _ of the fag club,’ I guess he meant that he leads our GSA. And that’s just— that’s literal hate speech, right? So I stepped in. I apologize for my language, but I was kinda angry, so I said, ‘The fuck did I just hear you say?’ ‘Cause like, I was gonna confront him for it, and I wanted to see if he was willing to repeat it. Turns out, yeah, he was. Did you, uh, hear the whole ‘I saw that fag Madej wearing makeup’ thing he said? Or was that not on video?”

He nodded, seemingly concentrating super hard on this. “Yeah, yeah I heard all that and everything else.” He breathed in deeply, then made eye contact with Ryan. “Okay. Here’s the deal. If this were any other situation, I’d probably have to give you maybe a week or two of suspension, because we  _ do  _ have a zero tolerance policy towards violence and fighting. You also were very, uh, intense. You nearly concussed him. However…” Berns smiled at Ryan. He couldn’t figure out if it was sympathetic or empty. “We found out he was also the one leaving all those little ‘messages’ for Shane Madej— you heard about those, right?”

“Yeah. Ruined his artwork with it, carved it into his locker and everything.” 

Berns nodded again, and Ryan wished he would stop acting that way and would just tell him if he was getting suspended or not, whether or not his dad was going to hear about this— he really,  _ really  _ hoped he wouldn’t have to explain why he beat up Brian. “We assumed that you knew it was Brian?” 

Ryan did not, in fact, know, this. But he did know that he could use this to help himself out here. So yeah, maybe he lied a bit— in his defense, he also did totally think it was Brian. Just… after the fact. “I mean, I didn’t catch him in the act, he wasn’t talking about it, so I wasn’t really sure. But when Shane told me about it, I just… had a feeling.”

He nodded, looked down at his desk for a few minutes, thinking. “Okay. Ryan. You understand I can’t have your sort of behavior in my building?” Ryan nodded. “And you understand that what you did was wrong?”

“Yes, I’m actually really, really sorry. I’m guessing nobody captured it, but I, uh, freaked out a little bit when I realized how bad I beat him. I swear I didn’t mean to let it get that far, I just like,” Ryan decided a little lying never hurt anybody, right? Principals can keep secrets. Even if they’re fake ones. “Okay. We haven’t really told anybody about this, not until I was sure I wanted to be out to the school,” Ryan briefly thought that he was going to hell for lying about this before he continued, “but Shane’s my boyfriend. And so, to hear someone talk about him like that, as me if he’s ‘my little fag,’ it just made something snap in me. I couldn’t control myself. I hated that feeling so much, I hated having literal blood on my hands, and I really wish there was something I could do to make it up.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, Ryan. And I’m glad to hear that you realize it was wrong. I’m gonna let you off the hook this time.” Ryan’s jaw dropped at that, utter disbelief washing over him. “But if anything— and I mean  _ anything _ — like this happens again, you’re getting two weeks out of school suspension, no arguing. Got it?” 

Ryan nodded in a hurry. “Thank you so much, sir. I-I appreciate it.” He shook Berns’ hand, feeling like he was just told he won the lottery. “Can I… uh, is Brian gonna get in trouble for what he did?”

Berns smiled at Ryan, and he decided this time it was sympathetic, not empty. “I can’t really tell you, but… let’s just say you won’t be seeing that much of him,” and then he winked and dismissed Ryan to go to class.

There were still around five minutes left of physics, thank the lord for that, because he had way too much to tell Shane. He should probably lead with the fact that he just told the principal that they’re dating. As he made the walk, he made a mental note to ask coach what he said to Berns. Coach loved him— always told Ryan he was the best captain they’ve had in years, and Ryan had a feeling half the reason he got off so easily was coach didn’t want to lose any playing time with Ryan. Oh well, he could at least use the little bit of privilege he gets to his advantage… right?

* * *

“How do you accidentally tell the  _ principal  _ of our school that I’m your boyfriend?”

“I thought it would help me get out of trouble! Make him sympathetic! And then it’s also like, an even bigger hate crime, because he called two boys who are dating faggots, rather than one super gay theatre kid and one basketball kid who’s friends with the other, well, faggot. Homophobia Squared!”

“Unbelievable.” The classroom was loud, Oakes probably too lazy to teach a lesson on Friday, and everyone was working on their projects they’d been assigned. “Since you were gone, I took it upon myself to choose our topic.”

“Oh my god, what is it?”

“Ghosts. Specifically, you’ll write a few paragraphs about why you believe in little guys who float around and knock toothpaste of shelves—”

“I saw it happen with my own two eyes!”

“And  _ I’ll  _ write about why it’s all bullshit. But like, since it’s  _ physical  _ anomalies, you can give me all your ‘evidence,’” he made sure to use air quotes at that, “and list it under anomalies, I guess.”

“You’re so mean to me. I just narrowly dodged suspension for your ass, and this is the fucking thanks I get.”

“Shut up, Ryan.” He was grinning when he said it, a stark contrast to yesterday, and he knocked his knee against Ryan’s. “Thanks, though. For real. You didn’t have to do that, but you did, and I just— I really appreciate it.”

“You don’t gotta thank me. Just… tell me the next time someone’s doing that shit. I wanna help. Maybe keep The Friends of Ryan Bergara tucked away, but I could always, y’know, intimidate someone.” 

Shane laughed, looked away from Ryan when he said, “I don’t think anybody’s bothering me for a while, dude. You  _ seriously _ fucked him up. He had to go to the hospital to make sure he’s not concussed— which he isn’t, by the way. From what I heard, his mom made him go to school, expecting him to demand you get expelled, but instead they sent his bloody ass home for the next week, at least.” 

“Good fucking riddance.” 

“Good riddance, indeed.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> w o w. just when you thought ryan couldn't be anymore of a Disaster Gay, he tells the PRINCIPAL they're dating. ur not subtle sweaty


	9. The Hunkieist Piece of Ass in This School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan parked the car and turned to Jake, a stern look on his face. “Jacob Bergara.” 
> 
> “What’s up.” 
> 
> “If you embarrass me. If you say anything cute to Shane. If you talk to any seniors about me. If you do anything else along those lines, so help me god, I will beat you to death with your own switch. I’ll shove those game controllers so far up your ass it’ll be a reverse digestive process. You hear me?” 
> 
> Jake just laughed and opened his door. “You’re so hopelessly in love with this Shane guy, huh?”

After that night on the beach, Shane and Ryan were somehow even closer. They texted each other _every second of the day._ That’s not even an exaggeration. Ryan’s dad kept asking what girl was taking up so much of his time, and Jake kept giving him sly little smiles. He can be a little shit like that, sometimes, despite how much Ryan loves the little guy.  ****  
** **

It was the Tuesday directly after The Incident, and Ryan asked Shane if he could FaceTime to help him with the trig homework. He actually got it done, too! He might’ve also meant to ask Shane for help studying, but then Shane noticed that Ryan was wearing his sweatshirt and no pants, so Ryan got all blushy and stuttery, trigonometry completely out of his mind. Shane made fun of him, he retorted just as cleverly, and they were off. ****  
** **

They were on the phone for at least an hour now. At some point Shane’s mom walked in the room, saw Shane talking to him, and absolutely _demanded_ he have Ryan over for dinner sometime. Shane promised they’d work something out over the weekend, giving Ryan a pleading look that said, _for the love of god, Ryan, please tell this woman you’re going to be in Alaska this whole weekend or something._ ****  
** **

Which was why he told Mrs. Madej he’s free all weekend with a warm smile, already able to feel where Shane would jokingly punch his shoulder in the morning. Shane told Ryan that he’s the worst, Ryan told him that he loved it, Shane didn’t deny it, and they were back on topic. (“Back on topic” meaning in this situation, talking about if they’d rather have the ability to fly or be able to seduce any man at a second’s notice. You can guess which one each boy chose.) ****  
** **

They talked for a while, Shane randomly throwing into the conversation, "Yeah, so my improv show is on Thursday and Friday."  
  
_"What?"_ Ryan’s eyes were wide, disbelieving. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?!”  ****  
** **

Shane just shrugged, an unreadable look on his face. “Didn’t want you to have to go out of your way. Just figured I’d let you know.” ****  
** **

“Shane Alexander Madej!” Ryan furrowed his eyebrows, now able to recognize the look on Shane’s face. Defensive. He was setting it up so he could play it cool if Ryan wasn’t interested— which is entirely _absurd,_ but that’s Shane. “Do you really think I wouldn’t drop fucking, I don’t know, a date with _Michael Jordan_ at a moment’s notice to see your show?”  ****  
** **

Shane laughed, scratched the back of his neck. “I just didn’t want you to feel pressured to go?”  ****  
** **

“You’re so stupid Shane. Of course I wanna fucking go! How much are tickets?” ****  
** **

“I could try to sneak you one or two—” ****  
** **

“No! How much are tickets?” ****  
** **

Shane rolled his eyes at Ryan, but he had to know he wasn’t winning this one. “$10 at the door, $8 if you get ‘em in school.” ****  
** **

Ryan grinned at this, already making a plan in his head. “I’m gonna take my pals.” ****  
** **

“I’m sorry, your _pals?_ What is this, Disney Channel in 2010?” ****  
** **

“Leave me alone! What do you want me to say? My bros? My dudes? My very bestest friends in the world? It’s just Ned, Eugene and Jen.”  ****  
** **

Shane laughed, eyes crinkling at the edges. “I’ll have to tell Zach. He’ll he delighted— he thinks Eugene is, his words, not mine, “the hunkiest piece of ass in this school— next to Ryan, but that one’s off limits.’”  ****  
** **

“Oh? Why am I off limits, Shane?” ****  
** **

Shane froze, seemingly only realizing now what he said. “Uh… cause like… you’re both obviously massive bottoms, it wouldn’t work—” ****  
** **

“Hey! Shut up! I am _not_ a massive bottom!” 

“I only knew you for a week before you basically told me that Lebron James fucked you in the ass, but go off I guess.”

“Oh my god. Wow. You’re really gonna bring that up? I didn’t even confirm that I was a bottom in that conversation— which I’m not!”

“You didn’t deny it, either. Checkmate, atheists!”

Ryan put his head in his hands and groaned, wishing a sinkhole would conveniently appear under his bed and swallow him whole. “Changing the topic now, Big Dick Madej.”

“Ouch. You’re really gonna go there?”

“It’s only fair. But! Speaking of going places, I’m gonna see both of your shows.”

“You—you are? Why?”

Ryan shrugged with a smile on his face. “Why not? Seems like a good time.”

“Are you taking ‘your pals’ to both shows?”

Ryan thought for a second or two, genuinely considering. “No. I’ll take them to the Friday show. Oh! I’ll make Jake come with me Thursday. He said he wants to get to know you better.”

Shane smiled, laughed, but then horror washed over his face. “Oh no. My parents and brother are going Thursday. Don’t let my mom know you’ll be there, please, for the love of _god—_ save yourself dude. Don’t let your presence be known.”

Ryan snorted, let his head fall back in laughter. “You are so fucking dramatic! This is why I was never friends with theatre kids before you.”

“Aww, am I your first time?” Shane placed a hand on his heart, knowing fully well what he was probably doing to Ryan.

“You’re an asshole, Shane.”

“My specialty.”

* * *

Ryan parked the car and turned to Jake, a stern look on his face. “Jacob Bergara.”

“What’s up.”

“If you embarrass me. If you say anything _cute_ to Shane. If you talk to any seniors about me. If you do anything else along those lines, so help me god, I will beat you to death with your own switch. I’ll shove those game controllers so far up your ass it’ll be a reverse digestive process. You hear me?”

Jake just laughed and opened his door. “You’re so hopelessly in love with this Shane guy, huh?”

Ryan grumbled, slammed his door and locked it. “I’m not buying you snacks just because of that.” He still threw an arm around Jake’s shoulders, pulled him close as they walked into the school.

Ryan loved Jake. As strong as their sibling rivalry was (Jake could be downright infuriating at times), the both them and all their friends knew the strength of their bond. Ryan was actually  _really_ glad Jake liked Shane. If Jake didn't like someone, no exception, they couldn't be a large part of his life. Sure, he'd be casual friends with them, but if Jake were to sit Ryan down right now and say, "hey, Shane's a major asshole. I fucking despise him," Ryan would probably have to purge himself of all mushy-gushy feelings and just be Shane's friend. Jake knew him like no one else—  if he had an issue with a guy, it was probably the best for him.

He actually came out to Jake first, before any of his friends. It was when he was still dating Helen, wanting to break up with her but panicking about it. Jake had noticed Ryan was off for a while, so he came down to his room one night, demanding that Ryan talk about it.

_“I know you, man. Something’s wrong. Just tell me about it.”_

_Ryan sighed, knowing his brother wasn’t giving up easily. “Fine. I’ll talk. So, it’s kind of about Helen.”_

_“Oh?”_

_“Yeah. Things haven’t been… I don’t know, I think I need to break up with her.”_

_“What’s wrong with her?”_

_Ryan thought for a second or two, about whether or not he wanted to say this. No time like the present, he figured, and took a deep breath. “She’s a girl.”_

_“What?” Jake furrowed his eyebrows, a few moments of confusion before realization hit him, and his face softened. Ryan sat there, looking down, hugging his knees to his chest. “Oh._ Oh. _I— okay, sorry, I’m kinda dumb sometimes. Why didn’t you tell me before dude?”_

_Ryan shrugged, still not trusting himself to make eye contact. His voice was quiet, not much more than a whisper. “Lots of reasons. I haven’t told anybody yet. I’m scared. Of how people will react, especially anyone on the team. Like, what if they feel weird playing with a gay guy? And uh, I wasn’t super sure. I’ve known I had a thing for guys for a while, since at least fourteen, and I’ve never really… felt the same way about girls? But I thought it was just because I’d never dated one, so I dated Mari, but then I thought I didn’t feel that way because I’d never kissed a girl, so I kissed her, but that didn’t really work either.”_

_“So you didn’t really like her? That’s why you guys broke up?”_

_“Yeah. And then— I don’t know. Two weeks before homecoming Ned told me that Helen’s friend said she had a thing for me. All the guys on the team started pressuring me, saying it’s been ‘way too long since I got some,’ which, by the way, is disgusting logic, and telling me I should ask her to homecoming. So I did. And I didn’t feel that much for her, but she kissed me on the dance floor. I didn’t wanna embarrass her, ruin her night, so I kissed her back and decided I’d break it off in a week. Then she kept trying to kiss me all the time. Even when I told her I didn’t really like it, she’d always tell me ‘nonsense,’ say that I just had to get into it. Tried to get me to have sex a couple of times. And I just— I don’t wanna lie to her anymore dude. I don’t wanna have to kiss her and pretended to like it.”_

_Jake nodded and hugged Ryan tightly. Ryan returned the hug, rested his shaking hands on Jake’s back, trying to breathe deeply to chase away the anxiety. “I support you, dude. Just, try to break up with her soon, yeah? I don’t think it’s fair to either of you.”_

_Ryan nodded and hugged Jake for a while. They played a lot of smash bros that night._

“So what’s Shane like? I’ve only seen him like, twice.”

Ryan didn’t mean to smile the way he did, but it happened. “He’s cool. You’ll like him. Super funny, loud, tall, dramatic. He’s also super fucking weird, but like, it’s endearing I guess? He makes it work.”

Jake nodded and hummed like he just had the great wisdom of the gods bestowed upon him. “I was right. Hopelessly in love.”

Ryan punched Jake in the shoulder, handed in his tickets, and took his seat for the show. He felt weird going so close to the stage and chose the fourth row, somewhat to the left of the middle. The stage was… interesting. Each side had six chairs, and behind those sets of chairs, fake black walls that seemed to serve as chalk boards. One side— the left— served as “Pirates,” little drawings surrounding the giant skull and crossbones including (but not limited to): an overflowing treasure chest; Captain Hook; a drawing of sans with a bandana, saying “sans piratetale”; “best d*mn pirate i’ve ever seen”; and finally, the bottom of the board with waves and a surprisingly well drawn jack sparrow, drowning in the waters.

He directed his attention to the right of that set, where the “Ninjas” sat. The name was written onto a giant katana, with drawings that were, for the most part, expected: ninja’s YouTube logo; a teenage mutant ninja turtle; the fruit ninja logo; the sensei from club penguin; the fortnite logo; and the logo for ninja sex party, which made Ryan feel genuine despair at the fact that he knew that off the top of his head. The overhead lights flashed, which Ryan took as a subtle “get to your seats because the show’s starting with or without you, dipshit.”

The ninjas were announced first, starting with team captain Keith “Chicken Fetish” Habersberger, and ending with a name all too familiar from Jen’s obsessing, Kelsey “Re-Assassinate JFK Kennedy” Darragh. Jake looked at Ryan with a smile on his face, struggled to get out over the noise, “you didn’t tell me that Kelsey’s in this! I’m friends with her!”

“Why are you friends with someone in my grade? That’s weird! Also, she’s practically boning Jen, so that’s double weird.”

Jake rolled his eyes at Ryan’s assholery and nudged him when the pirates were about to be announced. It started with team captain Shane “Chile Pope” Madej. Ryan was pretty sure he cheered the loudest out of everyone in the room. Following him was Zach “Old Man Body” Kornfeld, and Ryan cheered for him, too, overjoyed at the knowledge that he could safely call at least three people on stage his friends.

The show was beyond hilarious. Halfway through and Ryan was sure he’d pee his pants if he laughed any harder, first act of the show being concluded with “challenge,” in which a topic is suggested to start an argument, and whoever can come up with a disagreement steps forward and has to challenge what the first person says. Jake starts elbowing Ryan and winks at him. “Suggest something dude. It’s an interactive thing! And I’m sure Shane’ll be like, all over you if you do.”

“You’re the worst,” Ryan informed him, but still rose his hand. To his surprise, Devon— he’s seen her a couple of times, and was running the show this year— pointed right at him, asking for his suggestion. He had to come up with something good, and fast, so he blurted out the first thing he could. “High heel crocs.”

That elicited a pretty good reaction from the audience, cheers and laughs as those on stage quickly discussed it. As the room quieted down, Zach stepped forward, cleared his throat, and started. “Now I have a big date Friday night, and I found the cutest little things ever— high heel crocs. They’ve got the comfort of a regular croc, but the class of a heel!”

Shane stepped forward with a shout of _challenge_ , pointing directly at Zach when he spoke. “I don’t think any kind of attachment can make crocs look good, even heels that’ll show of those sexy Korndiddy Ankles.” Ryan cheered at that, grin wide on his face, and he wasn’t sure why he didn’t try suggesting something sooner. 

“Challenge, have you ever seen heely crocs? I put on those bad boys and got fifteen girls asking for my number _instantly—”_

Keith stepped forward this time, towering over most of his ninjas. “Challenge, that’s a straight up lie. No girl would ever ask for your number.”

“Challenge,” Kelsey said, cutting off anything Zach could’ve added, “your mom tried to get it, but he said she was out of his league.” Ryan leaned back and prepared for the argument of a lifetime.

By the time intermission came, he didn’t even want to take a break, just stare at Shane’s face and big goofy smile and laugh at all the jokes for hours. He stood up and made his way out of the seats, cracking his back as he stretched upwards. He turned around to attempt finding Shane, but he was already standing right there, close enough that Ryan let out a genuine _yelp._ “What the fuck Shane! You’re a pirate, not a ninja! You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that!” 

Despite his supposed anger, Ryan still threw his arms around Shane’s waist and pulled him into a hug, whispering into his ear that he did a great job. A little bit of praise never hurt anybody. Jake tapped his shoulder, obviously wanting a switch controller up the ass due to the face he was making at Ryan. “Sorry to interrupt this super brosome moment, but can you actually like, introduce me to Shane before you abandon me here?”

“Yeah, Ryan! Where are your fucking manners? Can’t even do me the courtesy of introducin’ the fam?”

“You literally begged me two days ago not to talk to your parents if I saw them.” He stepped back from Shane, made sure to glare at Jake in a way that would send him running to the hills any other time. Jake unfortunately knows Ryan wouldn’t roughhouse in public, but _still_. “Shane, this is Jake. You’ve seen him in his natural habitat a couple of times, binge playing Smash Bros and Super Mario Odyssey. Jake, this is Shane, a big weird idiot who helps me pass my classes sometimes.” 

Shane threw an arm around Ryan’s shoulder, grin wide. “He’s just joking, he loves me! I’m the best.” His free hand shook Jake’s, something about the look on his face terrifying Ryan. “So, are you the one I’ll come to if I need embarrassing stories of Ryan?”

“You should hear about the time he hit his head on a pull-up bar—”

“Jacob Bergara, I will take your ass outside and beat you worse than I beat Brian if you say one more fucking syllable.”

“I like this one. You should take him home more often.” Jake didn’t seem to have any sense of self preservation, judging by the way he was all but begging to get his ass whooped.

“I do, but you’re always at your friends’ houses so you never actually see him.”

“No! You guys just hang out in your room the whole time, doing god knows what.”

“Shane just admires my record collection, makes fun of me, and ignores me for our dogs.”

“Boys, boys, boys, there’s enough Madej to go around.” Shane said with a smile, putting a hand out as if to stop the fighting. Ryan realized he still had his arm around his shoulder and felt his face heat up, knowing Jake would be _relentless_ on the car ride home. 

* * *

The next day, his friends went directly to his house after school. They all convinced Jen to start taking Fridays off of work to hang out, because, “will they really miss one super strong yet clumsy dyke at the bakery,” Eugene would always reason when they’d bring it up. It took a lot of peer pressure, but she eventually gave in. Tonight was her first Friday free, and all Ryan had to say was “Kelsey’s in it” before she agreed to come.

Ryan kicked all their asses at Super Smash and Mario Kart, they played basketball in his backyard, and then they were all piled into Eugene’s Jeep on their way to the school. “You know,” Eugene started, “it should probably be illegal to be at the school on a Friday.”

“He’s doing it for love! Let him live!” Ned yelled from the backseat. Ryan turned around and punched him in the knee, giving Ned a look that promised much worse if he didn’t quit his shit.

“You shouldn’t test him, Ned! You experienced the whole Brian situation up close, you know what this hunk of muscle is capable of.” Jen said. She patted his bicep, as if to accentuate that point.

“Let’s not talk about that,”  Ryan groaned, a few seconds later adding, “I’m 90% sure that coach is the whole reason I’m not in trouble. I don’t even know if I wanna mention how corrupt that is, y’know? Cause like, that kinda sucks, sports coaches shouldn’t have that much power, but at the same time, I can’t have any shit on my record. Should I even accept it? It’s kind of fucked up.”

Eugene nodded, backing into a parking spot. “Firstly, I’d like everyone to note how sexy I look when I’m backing up. Ha, that sounds like a sex joke. Secondly, don’t even bother Ryan. Corrupt or not, you fucked him up badly. The poor bastard passed out! You could’ve been in _legal_ trouble, so my advice is to just leave it be and never mention it again.”

Ryan nodded, choosing to drop the subject because the whole thing still made him feel sick to his stomach. “If any of you fuckers embarrass me in front of Shane, you’re dead. I’ll make sure none of you ever get laid for the rest of your life.”

“The ladies can’t resist my charm dude. You’d be helpless to try and turn them away.” Jen flexed her arms as she said that, a look on her face that made Ryan want to laugh and slap her at the same time.

“We ready?”

All his friends nodded, so they collectively made their way through the doors of the school, Ryan practically buzzing with excitement.

* * *

The show was even better tonight, if that was possible. There were twice as many people, maybe even three times, so there were a lot less inside jokes, but all things considered they completely killed it. Ryan was laughing his entire ass off all the way up to intermission, which he didn’t want to admit he was waiting for just so he could talk to Shane.

More confidence gained at being in Theatre Kid Territory, Ryan and his friends sat in the middle of the second row, the view not that different but still more intimate, somehow. He could see their expressions better, noticed when one person had to fight to keep a straight face, or didn’t even try and was cracking up on stage. 

When the final skit of act one concluded, Ryan went directly to Shane, not even standing around awkwardly like he did the night before. He expected his friends to follow him around like lost puppies, but surprisingly, they started to talk to people too. Ned found this girl he was practically in love with, Ariel, who was there with her best friend Becky. They were talking to Keith, who Ryan was sure Ned's never interacted with in his whole life before, and he was kind of interested in seeing what happened. Unsurprisingly, Jen found Kelsey, who Ryan was pretty sure she stared at the entire show.

He'd been the most worried about Eugene, who was a social butterfly by nature, but had absolutely no starting point in a room full of drama club kids and their friends. Which is why Ryan’s mind was truly blown when Eugene walked up to Zach. He’d been in the middle of telling a dumb joke to Shane, but had to stop talking immediately because of what he spotted. He could see Eugene Laying On the Charm from a mile away, which he was _definitely_ doing. "Ryan? You pulling a Ferryman on me?"   
  
"Am I— what?"   
  
"Y'know? Ferryman? It's a play. You're acting like the dissociative great aunt. She's always yellin' about banshees then staring off into space, and—"   
  
"Okay, yeah, cool, shut up. Eugene is flirting with Zach."   
  
"Holy shit! What?"   
  
"I know!"   
  
"How can you tell!?"   
  
"We've been friends since we were kids, I know him flirting when I see it. He's probably about to tell Zach that he's 'the only pirate who can look so adorable'— which is a lie, because you're here— and Zach's gonna get all blushy because he's _Zach_ , and—"   
  
"Wait, I’m an adorable pirate? Well, fuck me with a peg leg and call me Scarlett beard! Yer gonna make a seaman blush if ya keep sweet talkin' me like that."   
  
"Oh my god, you're so dumb. Just for that you lose Cute Points."   
  
"Nope, you can't retract 'em. I'm officially adorable, baby!"   
  
"I'm not your baby."   
  
"Sure you are!"   
  
"I'm literally not even remotely your baby."   
  
"Hey, Mark! Bergara's my baby, right?"   
  
"Jesus Christ Shane, I'm gonna murder you—"   
  
The guy who'd been sitting front and Center, right next to Rosa, responded in a surprisingly monotone way. "Everyone's your baby. You said you'd blacklist everybody in drama club if we didn't conform to that."   
  
"Mark! You're not supposed to let him know I blackmailed everyone!"   
  
"It's the truth."   
  
Ryan smiled at his friend and gently pushed his shoulder. "Didn't take you for a corrupt one, Madej."   
  
"Shut up Ryan."   
  
"Ouch. I miss the friendly seaman."   
  
"What's that? You miss my semen? Damn, Ryan. I guess I can work something out."   
  
"You're insufferable."

“I try to be.” Shane winked at that and threw an arm around Ryan’s shoulder. He didn’t mean to lean into it, but it happened anyways. Shane didn’t seem to mind, though. “Oh hey, Ryan, you remember when I was at your house and you didn’t believe me that cast parties get lit?”

“Uh… vaguely?” That’s a lie, Ryan remembers the whole conversation in detail. But he wasn’t sure where Shane was going with this, and also didn’t want to be _that_ obvious. 

“Well, tonight’s the cast party.” Shane had a huge grin on his face now, one that most certainly spelled trouble.

“That’s cool? Thanks for telling me.”

“Oh my god Ryan.” Shane looked at him like he just said his favourite founding father is Ivan IV, like Ryan just asked Shane what a turtle is. “I’m asking you to go with me! Jesus, I thought you were supposed to be popular or something.”

“I _am_ popular! I have loads of friends.”

“Then you should be able to recognize an invite without me spelling it out for you.”

“Well I…” Ryan realized quickly that he had no counter, aside from to be like, _what can I say? You make all my brain cells go running to the hills,_ which isn’t exactly the most charming thing. 

Shane nodded thoughtfully, hummed a little bit like he was working on a formula to get to the next galaxy. “Interesting point. I hadn’t thought about it that way.”

“You’re such an asshole! Why am I friends with you?”

“God, where do I _start?”_

The lights flashed, and Ryan had just enough time to inform Shane that he’s the worst before he was taking his seat again.

* * *

Explaining to his friends that he was ditching them for a party was hard. What he expected to be harder, though, was getting out alive if he took the easy way out and said he was going with Shane. They’d all immediately understand, sure, but would it really be worth the teasing? The texts he’d be getting? The little voice messages they loved sending about being safe?

He decided, yes, it is worth it, because it would avoid hurting their feelings. And just as expected, when he said, “Shane invited me to the cast party, you guys cool if I go?,” they all started acting like he just said he’s a woman of the night, winking and pretending they were being subtle when they absolutely weren’t. “You guys suck,” he made sure he said before he went over to Shane. It was a little too similar to the way he’d left Shane after intermission— why did he always attract friends that are major assholes?

“Ryan! My man! My absolute _bro!”_ Zach exclaimed as Ryan made his way into the belly of the beast, where all the drama kids stood on the stage. Well, “stage.” Ryan decided he hated not being taller specifically because it only took a little bit of reaching for Zach to throw an arm around his shoulder. “My boy Shane told me you’re coming to the party tonight.” 

Shane seemingly appeared from out of nowhere and removed Zach’s arm from Ryan’s shoulder, a look in his eyes that Ryan wasn’t sure he could name. “Zach, you’re gonna scare him away before we even get to Kevin’s house.”

“What? No! Ryan loves me.”

“Ryan, do you, in fact, love Zachary, who is both a young child and an old man at the same time?”

Ryan just shrugged, weighed the pros of annoying Shane against the cons of indulging Zach in… whatever this was. “More than I love Hamilton. Do with that what you will.”

Shane put a hand on his chest, a deep gasp following soon after. Zach, however, pumped his fists in the air like his fantasy football league just won. “Suck my _dick,_ Shane! Ha!”

“No, thanks. That’s kind of Bowie’s job I thought?”

“I DO NOT FUCK MY DOG!”

Keith cut into the conversation at that point, waving his phone in Zach’s face. “Then explain THIS picture, in which you two _clearly_ are in the afterglow of some amazing sex.”

Ryan shook his head, like he was a disappointed mother. These goddamn over dramatic people are rubbing off on him. “Ouch, Zach. Now I know why you accused me of being a furry. You were just projecting.”

Zach pouted all the way to Shane’s car. Ryan didn’t miss the fact that both of Shane’s friends left the passenger seat open for him, just like that one time he went home with them after school.

* * *

Ryan’s speech was starting to get slightly slurred at this point, his movements too wide, every now and then spilling his beer on himself. He and Shane were cuddled up on the loveseat of someone he’s never even heard of, at least thirty people crowded into one large living room, despite there only being twelve people in the show. Apparently it was a bit more than a “cast party,” but Ryan didn't mind. He thrived in large groups, actually. Even if he was somewhat out of his element, he was sure if it came down to it, he could find a group of people, get them talking about some sort of shared interest, and leave the party with a few new friends and somehow plans made two weeks in advance.

The thing was, he didn’t do that. The thought of making friends didn’t even cross his mind, due to it being much more focused on the weight of Shane’s arm around his shoulder. They’d been playing truth or dare, of all things, with Zach, Keith, Becky, and Kelsey. He’d learned way too many things about each one of them: he wouldn’t get into specifics, but he was now acutely aware of the fact that Shane _would_ have sex with someone at the party, but found a loophole in that he didn’t technically have to share. Ryan’s mama didn’t raise no bitch, so he chose dare for most of his turns, which did in fact leave him shirtless and with the record of a call to Jake he would deeply regret when he was sober.

Ryan wasn’t really focused enough to pay attention to _how_ it happened (his attention was being taken up by the fact that Shane’s arm made its way back to his shoulders after Ryan’s shirt had been discarded, fingers drawing small patterns on his bare bicep), but he was suddenly aware of the fact that everyone except Zach had seemingly found something more interesting to do. “Not to offend you guys or anything, but like, I’m getting bored, and you guys are getting gross and cuddly, which is making me feel hella single, so I’m gonna go wander around and find some way to embarrass myself.” 

“We’re not even dating!” Shane yelled after Zach, although he didn’t really seem all that phased.

Ryan shifted on the couch after they were abandoned, a goofy smile on his face. “Hey. Shane. Truth or dare?”

Shane laughed, moved a little so he himself was facing Ryan more. His arm never left Ryan’s shoulders. “Alright, fine. Truth.”

“What’s one thing you’ve done that you would never want your parents to find out? Like, you’d rather be caught having wild, kinky sex than have them know this.”

Shane hummed, looked away from Ryan’s eyes as he thought. Ryan never stopped looking at Shane’s face, never stopped imagining what that stubble would feel like against his cheek, those lips against his own; whether he’d be able to taste the alcohol on Shane’s breath, or maybe he’d be too intoxicated himself to notice? But Shane looked back over, eyes alight with something new. “Okay, well like, this one time over the summer I was supposed to be sleeping over at Keith’s, but you know, highschool, so we went to a party someone told us about. While I was there I uh, well. I hypothetically, allegedly, might have done… an amount of coke.”

Ryan wheezed at that, moved to put his beer down so he didn’t spill it all over himself with the way he was shaking with laughter. Shane had to remove his arm from Ryan’s shoulders, only because he was now sitting with his legs crossed on the couch, facing Shane completely. He was distantly aware that he was still shirtless, but he also didn’t care all that much. “You— you were just, like, gimme a sec guys, _hypothetically snort cocaine.”_ He made a bit of a snorting motion at that, just for the commitment to the bit.

“Ah, yes. Schrodinger’s party drug. I both did, and did not, snort cocaine, until proof is discovered.”

“Whomst the _fuck_ is Schrodinger?”

“This theoretical physicist who came up with this thought experiment, Schrodinger’s Cat.”

“Theoretical physicist? Sounds interesting.”

“Yeah!” Shane had this look in his eyes, the way he looks when something’s caught his attention. They weren’t all that drunk in truth, Ryan was only on his third beer, and he wasn’t really counting Shane’s alcohol intake, but aside from a bit more clumsiness and a bit less inhibition, the alcohol wasn’t having _too much_ of an effect on them. Which was why somehow, they were able to get into a conversation about goddamn physics right then and there. “So this dude Copenhagen had this idea about quantum mechanics. His theory was basically that until you examine the state of something it exists in all possible states at once. It's only when it's observed that one state becomes The state. Also, Schrodinger had this bullshit about a cat in a box with poison.”

“But what if it can exist in multiple states? Like, it’s not always gonna be that state it’s observed in.”

_“Now_ you’re thinking like a theoretical physicist!” Shane exclaimed, a wide grin taking up a lot of his face. Ryan didn’t mind. 

“Hell yeah, baby! We should slap that shit on a card.”

“Now THAT’S what I call Theoretical Physics!”

“Exactly!”

The excited, admittedly kind of nerdy, conversation was brought to an end when Keith leaned over the edge of the couch. He had way more to drink than Shane and Ryan, and it showed. “What the fuck guys? I leave you alone for like, _five minutes_ and you’re talkin’ about some shit about, what is it, theoretical physics?” 

“Let me live!” Shane whined.

Keith groaned and walked away from them, grumbling about something neither of them could understand. Ryan looked at Shane, Shane looked back at him, and he giggled a lot. Shane reached a hand out to touch Ryan’s cheek, calloused fingers cold and gentle. Ryan hummed a bit involuntarily, closed his eyes and smiled at the touch. “Hey. Truth or dare?”

Ryan laughed a little, opened his eyes to look at Shane. “Dare.”

“I dare you to let me feel your muscles.”

Ryan giggled some more and flexed, trying to mentally will his dick to calm the fuck down at the way Shane’s fingers ran along his biceps, felt his abs. “Truth or dare?”

Shane seemed a bit taken aback, like he completely forgot what they were doing. Ryan liked that he had that effect on Shane. “Uh… truth.”

“Do you like my muscles?” Ryan smirked at Shane, already knowing the answer. Alcohol always made him bolder, more willing to say those things in the back of his brain that made him blush while sober. It got him into trouble every now and then, sure, but in this situation he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

“You smug piece of shit. You already know the answer to that, why are you gonna make me say it out loud?”

Ryan didn’t answer, just uncrossed his legs and shuffled so he was pressed up against Shane. He laughed low, softly, and put an arm around Ryan’s shoulders. Suddenly it wasn’t all that funny anymore, as Ryan realized his face was only an inch or so away from Shane’s. Was this seriously going to happen? Finally? His heart rate picked up considerably, nearly beating all the way out of his chest. He wondered if Shane could hear it. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Shane’s voice was quiet, vibrations of the deep tone making their way through Ryan’s body. It definitely did some things to Ryan’s stomach.

“Your breath smells like beer.”

“So does yours.”

Ryan’s mind was just playing _Shane_ on repeat. Shane, and his fluffy brown hair. Shane, and his charming smile. Shane, and the captivating glint he always gets in his eyes. Shane, whose arm was still around his shoulders, and Shane, who was almost definitely about to kiss him. 

But then Keith and Zach came stumbling over, looking like idiots in their hurried state as they tripped over each other and themselves. “Shane. Dude. We gotta go.” Zach put a hand on his shoulder, everything in his speech spelling out urgency.

“What? Why, dude, did someone call the cops or something? The party isn’t even that loud!”

“No, no but we— we literally just gotta, we gotta _go.”_

“Why? What’s the matter?”

Keith sighed and grabbed Shane’s arm, dragging him off the couch. Ryan obviously followed, despite being annoyed that he and Shane were definitely about to kiss and they got interrupted. As Shane was dragged out to the back door, Ryan close behind, Zach got out a hurried explanation. “Fucking _Evan_ showed up, dude. Nobody invited him! And he obviously like, drank a lot, and he kept asking for ‘that jock piece of shit who keeps trying to get his hands on what’s mine.’ That’s so _creepy,_ right? And so we came to get you right away, cause like, Ryan’s already had to fight one guy for you, and he’d totally get in trouble if he did it again. So yeah. Now we’re running away from the situation, and we have Sara telling him that you never even came to this party.”

“Jesus Christ dude.” Shane said, shaking his head a little bit. “What’s, like, what’re we gonna do? We goin’ to someone’s house or what?”

Zach stretched his arms out like a swan, yelled, “the night is young, my friends!,” and climbed into the backseat of Shane’s car.

Ryan was excited to see where the night would go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope i didn't get your hopes up with that almost kiss ;)))
> 
> dw though, next chapter is cavity-inducingly sweet. you're gonna have to brush your teeth thrice after reading it.


	10. Pure, Unadultured Homosexual Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They reached his class soon enough, and at this point Ryan totally expected the big hug Shane pulled him into. His arms wrapped around Shane’s waist tightly, his head against his shoulder, and Ryan took a few seconds to just bask in the feeling. He did plan to pull away just then, but he felt two very skinny, slightly hairy arms join the hug. Shane laughed (in a way that made his breath blow hot into Ryan’s ear). "What the fuck is wrong with you, Zach.”
> 
> “I wanted to join the hug! You guys always make me sit there in that classroom all by my lonesome, handin’ out affection like it’s candy, and I’m just stuck being sad and lonely.”

**_Neddie Pot to Basketball is Gay, 2:43 pm:_ ** _ So Ryan, do you have a hangover from hell today  _ ****  
** **

_ Eugayne: did u get sum dick _ ****  
** **

_ Stinky Dyke: Did you win the fair maiden’s heart? _ ****  
** **

_ Ryan: well we almost kissed at the party  _ ****  
** **

_ Stinky Dyke: AHHHHHHHH _ ****  
** **

_ Neddie Pot: Why almost?  _ ****  
** **

_ Ryan: his asshole ex showed up at the party so we dipped  _ ****  
** **

_ Eugayne: damnnnn dude. didnt wanna beat up anyone else? _ ****  
** **

_ Ryan: yeah, i think i’ll pass for now.  _ ****  
** **

_ Ryan: tickets for The Gun Show are all sold out for the next few weeks. can’t be going around giving free performances. bad for business.  _ ****  
** **

_ Stinky Dyke: What did y’all do after the party? _ ****  
** **

_ Ryan: got high, played laser tag— which was trippy af btw— ate ice cream at Zach’s house, then I snuck back home at 4 am.  _ ****  
** **

_ Eugayne: shit dude, theatre kids get d o w n _ ****  
** **

_ Ryan: right? i was surprised at first too _ ****  
** **

_ Ryan: also who wants to come over and play smash  _ ****  
** **

_ Eugayne: ill be over to kick your ass in a few minutes  _

* * *

 

Ryan promised himself he wouldn’t be awkward. Swore up and down, to the gods of popcorn and on the lives of his dogs, that he would walk into class Monday morning and everything would be totally fine and normal. He tried his best, too. He stepped through the door, said good morning to Oakes, and laughed somewhat at the Pokémon pyjama pants he wore. Even if he was an ass at times, Ryan loved that he fully embraced the joke that he is, in fact, Professor Oak. He threw on his best air of confidence, and sat next to Shane with absolutely no problem. ****  
** **

“Nice sweatshirt.”  Shane commented, nudging Ryan with his elbow. “Makes you look cute.” ****  
** **

Ryan’s face heated up as he stuttered a little bit, eventually choosing to hide his face in the sleeves of the too big sweatshirt with a groan. His planned return to normalcy was officially ruined. Maybe he should’ve made a better decision than to wear the hoodie Shane had given him a while ago, not thinking when he rolled out of bed a mess. It was fucking  _ pajama day  _ after all; a mid-year spirit week to try and get the school hyped for the basketball game on Friday— first of the season— and from the start Ryan planned to wear what he wore to bed every night. So what if that included Shane Madej’s drama sweatshirt? Sue him.  ****  
** **

“Hey, there. Look at me, Ry.” Ryan did so, moving the sleeves so he could peek through. Shane smiled, grabbed both of Ryan’s hands and pulled them off his face. Shane kept holding on, one thumb gently rubbing Ryan’s knuckles. “You look adorable in my clothes.” Shane picked up one hand, kissed the knuckles, then turned to pull out his materials for class.  ****  
** **

“You’re an asshole, Shane Madej.” ****  
** **

“I’m well aware.” ****  
** **

Oakes rapped on the board to get the class’s attention, ending their bickering (flirting?) right there. Ryan occasionally glanced over at Shane, in his shirt claiming he only dates communist flat earthers and black sweatpants. It made this weird feeling bloom beneath Ryan’s ribcage, a sort of longing that he wasn’t used to feeling. He dutifully ignored that feeling in favour of taking notes.  ****  
** **

Shane walked with Ryan to cinematography, their hands brushing the whole time. They were right by the door when Shane pulled Ryan into a tight hug. Ryan hoped it wasn’t obvious that he was inhaling deeply. “See you later, Ry.”  ****  
** **

Ryan didn’t stop smiling the whole class period.  ****  
** **

When he walked into fifth period English, Ryan immediately made his way over to Shane, who was saying something to Sara. He rested an arm on Shane’s shoulder, wanting to take advantage of being taller than Shane, if only for a few minutes. “Why don’t we sit together?”  ****  
** **

“Do you mean that like, you’re questioning why, or you’re proposing the idea?” ****  
** **

“Questioning.”  ****  
** **

Shane nodded, thoughtful, considering his answer. “A good question indeed. I’m… not sure. Kind of like, unnamed seating arrangements? Y’know? Everyone just sits in the same spot. That’s how it works.”  ****  
** **

Ryan nodded, looked to the two empty seats that were always next to Shane, and sat down. “I’m gonna sit with you.”  ****  
** **

“You really are something, Ryan Bergara.” Shane said, smile fond as he reached a hand out to ruffle Ryan’s hair.  ****  
** **

“Care to elaborate?” ****  
** **

Shane’s only answer was to grin and wink, an answer that was frustrating to no end. Instead of entertaining Shane’s douchebaggery, he directed his attention to Jen, who’d sat next to him with no question. “Hey, Ryan. Coach told me that Brad’s officially off the team.” ****  
** **

Ryan grinned, eyes wide. “For real?! That’s— that’s a huge fucking relief, honestly. He wasn’t that good of a member anyways, truth be told. Shitty team player. You think we’re gonna replace him? ****  
** **

“Not sure. Why don’t you get longlegs over there to join?”  ****  
** **

Ryan looked over his shoulder, turned his attention to wear Shane was drawing a thicc version of Thanos on a post it note, the top of it saying,  _ the one reason Ryan liked Endgame. _ What a nerd. “That’s the best joke you’ve made all week, Jen.” ****  
** **

“The week literally just started. It’s monday.” ****  
** **

“And that’s still the best one!” Ryan had more jokes up his sleeve, but Shane cut the conversation short by sticking the post-it note right on the lenses of his glasses— an addition to his outfit he had only allowed because he literally  _ rolled out of bed  _ this morning (he had the bruise on his arm to prove it). He took the note off, looking at the pencil sketch on neon pink paper. There was a new line of text on the bottom, stating  _ thanos be on thicco mode.  _ “Is this supposed to make up for my other artwork you made me?”  ****  
** **

Ryan was hesitant to joke about what could possibly be a sore subject for Shane, but he didn’t seem to mind all that much, even laughed at it. “Just you wait. It’s gonna be a masterpiece!”  ****  
** **

“I think this already qualifies as one. I’m gonna frame it. Or just put it in my locker.” ****  
** **

“C, all of the above.”  ****  
** **

Ryan giggled, pushed Shane’s shoulder and took out their book. “You’re a fucking nerd.”  ****  
** **

“You love it.”  ****  
** **

Ryan didn’t say anything to deny it.  ****  
** **

* * *

The next day for spirit week was genuinely kind of stupid, but Ryan dressed up anyways— if not for fun, then because coach would kill him if the star player wasn’t participating, and Ryan  _ really  _ owed him one. So he adorned a hawaiian shirt left open over a tee he got from disneyland and called it a day.  ****  
** **

He should’ve expected Shane to look like some man visiting LA for the first time, but  _ Jesus Christ _ . He took Tourist Day and entirely reinvented it, wearing a hawaiian shirt, a tee shirt saying “I <3 NEW YORK,” camo cargo shorts, a fanny pack, birkenstocks with jurassic park socks, sunglasses, and a hat that totally made him look like a dad on vacation. Ryan hated that he still liked him like this. “Hey there, champ! What you say we go down the road and get ourselves a cone of ice cream?” ****  
** **

“Who the fuck are you and what did you do with Shane.”  ****  
** **

Shane laughed and reclined in his seat, a smile on his face that could easily outshine the sun. “This is pure Madej, baby!” ****  
** **

“Jesus Christ. I can’t believe I still wanna talk to you even though you look like  _ that _ .” ****  
** **

“You love me and you know it.” ****  
** **

“Eh,” Ryan said, making a so-so motion with his hands as he did. He looked to the front of the class to see a sub— unfortunate during spirit week, but also amazing because that meant they’d probably be watching a video. Shane must’ve seen it too, because he was smiling again, apparently over his fit of dramatics. “What’re you looking at me like that for?” ****  
** **

“I’m not lookin’ at you any way.”  ****  
** **

“Yes you are! I can  _ see  _ it.” ****  
** **

“Maybe it’s just pure, unadulterated homosexual desire.”  ****  
** **

“Yeah, okay, we get it dude, you’re gay.” Ryan could say with confidence that he was getting at least mildly better at covering his reactions to Shane’s little comments, but he unfortunately was still an open book by nature. Really, Shane was in the wrong here for always saying stuff that would get Ryan to blush, but he could at least try to cover it up with some humour, right? ****  
** **

“First of all, stop bullying me. Second of all,” Shane lowered his voice for this next part, leaned down to Ryan’s ear in a way that made his breath hutch. “We should ask if we can go to the cafeteria for breakfast and then just hang out in one of the music practice rooms, or something like that.” ****  
** **

“You’re a dumbass, Shane, and I love it. But yeah, sure. Why not just stay in the cafeteria?” ****  
** **

“Because I like instruments.” ****  
** **

“Okay, you nerd. Let’s do it.” ****  
** **

“Literally the last  _ three sentences  _ you spoke to me were insults. What the fuck did I do to deserve this?” ****  
** **

“God made you too beautiful, so he sent me to make sure it can’t go to that big head of yours. Gotta knock your ego down a couple of pegs so you don’t turn into the full blown drama queen your heart yearns to be.”  ****  
** **

“All I’m gonna choose to take away from that is you think I’m beautiful, and I’m going to use that against you the next time you’re mean to me.”  ****  
** **

Ryan rolled his eyes and stood up, shrugging his backpack over his shoulder. “You do the talking, since that sub seems like he likes you more.” ****  
** **

Shane did as instructed, and less than a minute later they were walking down the hallway side by side. “So, Ryan, I have a favour to ask of you.” ****  
** **

Ryan was pretty sure he’s never even set foot in the music hallway, if so only a few times in his school career. He let Shane lead the way to a room filled with instruments, even held the door open for the big guy like a proper gentleman. “As long as it doesn’t involve something weird, then sure.” ****  
** **

“I, uh, y’know... I don’t have any school pride stuff for Friday.” ****  
** **

“And what, you want one of my basketball sweatshirts?” He raised an eyebrow at Shane, who had this pleading look on his face, and couldn’t help but to burst out laughing. “Yeah, yeah, sure thing big guy. I’ll give you my one that’s super big on me, I usually just wear it to sleep and stuff. Hope you don’t mind walking around all day with your back saying Bergara 17, though.”  ****  
** **

Shane smiled and grabbed Ryan’s hand, pulling him over to the plastic seats in the corner. “I don’t mind one bit. Although I do have to let you know you wasted the perfect opportunity to be 69 when you chose your number.” ****  
** **

“I wanted to, but Ned and Eugene are already 06 and 09. That would just be excessive.”    


“You couldn’t even spell out 420 with one of your pals?”    


“I literally smoke weed Shane, that would be way too suspicious.” ****  
** **

“I think you’re a pussy and a loser.” ****  
** **

He missed the warmth of Shane’s hand when he let go of his hand, turning to a rack of guitars and picking one out. Ryan made himself comfortable, propped one foot on an empty chair and crossed the other over it. “You gonna play me a jolly little tune?” ****  
** **

“You betcha.” ****  
** **

Ryan smiled and settled in for a period of listening to Shane play and asking each other weird, philosophical questions. He could really get used to ditching classes with this idiot. 

* * *

Ryan had recently started feeling oddly self conscious wearing his jersey on game days. It was stupid, and he knew that, because usually he loved getting the attention that came from recognition. He guessed some of it came from the fact that he’s the team captain now; before he was  _ part  _ of the team, and he loved being recognized as such. But now people walked up to him and would tell him good luck on  _ his _ game, or that they hope  _ his  _ team does well today. He didn’t like being treated like he’s above them. Because really, all of them have to work hard to succeed. It’s not  _ Ryan’s _ team, it’s  _ The _ Team. And they’re exactly that, so why should Ryan get all this credit?  ****  
** **

He expressed all these thoughts and insecurities to Shane Friday morning, who just nodded and listened carefully. Oakes had moved around the seats again, complaining that “some students just can’t keep their mouths shut long enough to actually learn.” He kept Ryan and Shane together though, just stuck them in the back. Ryan thought it was stupid of him, since they  _ both  _ have shitty eyesight, but pointing this out to Shane just made him say “it be like that I guess.” Not very helpful.  ****  
** **

Shane did, however, have some helpful insight on Ryan’s current predicament, even took Ryan’s hand and laced their fingers together as they spoke. “You’re being too humble, Ryan. You’ve been working hard for this since you were like, twelve. Six years dude! You’re one of the most talented people on the team, of  _ course  _ people are gonna recognize you above everyone else. Besides, it  _ is  _ your team! You’re an amazing leader. I’m positive you do more for the team morale than coach could ever dream of. You deserve the praise and recognition Ry. You really do.”  ****  
** **

Ryan found it hard to make eye contact with Shane. Taking compliments is hard, but taking such sincere compliments from someone whose opinion you value so much is even harder. “I don’t know if I do, Shane.  _ Everyone _ works so hard, and people like Ned and Eugene have been playing just as long as I have. Do I really deserve to be put above them?” ****  
** **

“Yes. You do.” Ryan was about to protest some more, but Shane picked up the hand he was still holding and pressed a gentle kiss to his knuckles. “I promise.” ****  
** **

Ryan blushed and smiled, looking down at their interlocked fingers. “Okay. I’ll believe you, I guess.” ****  
** **

“You should.” ****  
** **

Ryan took a deep breath, unable to ignore certain thoughts that were taking up a large space in his mind. He figured no time like the present. “Shane, I want to ask you something.” ****  
** **

“Go right ahead.”  ****  
** **

Ryan opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by Oakes rapping on the board. Ryan could  _ not  _ figure that guy out— one day he’s the best teacher ever, looking out for a queer student, the next he’s giving  _ seniors  _ assigned seating. A truly confusing man.  ****  
** **

Class went by quickly, and before he knew it he was packing up, trying not to fixate on Shane wearing  _ his _ sweatshirt, Shane wearing  _ his _ name on his back like every girl in every teenage romcom. “So, what was it that you wanted to ask me?” Shane said, throwing his backpack over his shoulder and walking out in sync with Ryan.  ****  
** **

“It’s uh— it’s nothing. I’ll ask you when we have time to talk about it.”  ****  
** **

Shane frowned at this, furrowed his eyebrows and put a hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “Are you okay? I don’t, like, I don’t mind being late to class if you need.” ****  
** **

Ryan just shook his head and kept walking, but made sure there was a smile on his face. “Don’t worry about it, buddy.” ****  
** **

“Alright.” They reached his class soon enough, and at this point Ryan totally expected the big hug Shane pulled him into. His arms wrapped around Shane’s waist tightly, his head against his shoulder, and Ryan took a few seconds to just bask in the feeling. He did plan to pull away just then, but he felt two very skinny, slightly hairy arms join the hug. Shane laughed (in a way that made his breath blow hot into Ryan’s ear). "What the fuck is wrong with you, Zach.” ****  
** **

“I wanted to join the hug! You guys always make me sit there in that classroom all by my lonesome, handin’ out affection like it’s candy, and I’m just stuck being sad and lonely.” As Zach ranted about loneliness, Ryan removed an arm from Shane’s waist to pat his back, not even pissed that he’s taking away from his Shane Time. Maybe he was minorly annoyed, but it was much outweighed by the happiness he felt blossoming in his chest.  ****  
** **

Happiness, that Zach was truly his _friend,_ not just the best friend of the guy he ~~was practically dating~~ has a massive crush on. Zach texts him on non-Shane topics, just to talk, Zach sits with him in their classes and he starts conversations with him whenever they’re in the same area. He feels comfortable walking up to him in the hallway and throwing his arms around him and Shane’s shoulders, and Ryan cherished all of the above more than he’d ever have expected. He didn’t word vomit all of his friendship-based joy, though, instead he just pulled away from the both of them and said, “I guess I’ll have to give Zach hugs every day, too.” ** **  
****

“God damn right you better, best friend!”  ****  
** **

Ryan realized Shane hasn’t seen their amazing (ly dumb) handshake, so he nodded at Zach and stuck his hand out as a silent instruction. The look on Shane’s face was  _ priceless _ . He just looked back and forth to the both of them, mouth open, but eventually gave up and mumbled that he was ‘going to his fucking class now.’  ****  
** **

Ryan’s question wasn’t raised again until he and Shane were walking away from US Government, his hands shaking and legs feeling like jelly. “What was your question earlier, Ryan?” Shane asked.  ****  
** **

“Uh. Yeah. I, uh, I don’t—” he saw Shane grinning at his verbal floundering and hit his shoulder. “Shut up.  _ You’re  _ the one making me flustered, you can’t make fun of me for it.” ****  
** **

“Aww, I make Ryan Bergara flustered?” Shane reached a hand out and pinched Ryan’s cheek. “Look at this blush. I feel honoured.” ****  
** **

“I repeat, for good measure, _shut up!_ I’m never gonna get this question out, ugh.” ****  
** **

He put his hand on Ryan’s shoulder, fingers brushing up against his neck, and Ryan had no doubt Shane could feel the way his heart pounded violently beneath his rib cage. “Ryan? You okay? Do you need to go somewhere private to talk?” ****  
** **

“No. Yes. Maybe? I… I don’t know. It’s kind of a small thing but it’s also like terrifyingly huge and I may or may not be freaking out at the prospect of asking you.” As Ryan rattled off nonsense, Shane just smiled and grabbed his wrist, leading him in an unknown direction. He just followed, placing full trust in Shane, because really, what’s the worst he could do? Bring him to the school burial site? The basement meth labs? (He wouldn’t be too surprised about either existing if he was honest.) ****  
** **

It turns out Shane brought them to the Abandoned Staircase, the one in an awkward location all the way at the end of the language department, that got used by maybe 4 people a day. They went up the first half flight of stairs as the bell rang and sat in the corner of the landing, shoulder to shoulder, knee to knee. They were quiet for a few moments before Shane sighed and leaned his head back against the brick. “I don’t ever want to make you feel nervous, Ryan. I don’t like seeing you all anxious on my behalf.”  ****  
** **

“I can’t help it, pretty guys make me nervous.” Ryan chuckled as he said that, looking down at his hands. “But I guess I should get it over with, right? Yeah. Okay.” He breathed in deeply, forced himself to make eye contact with Shane. “So like, what… what are we? I mean, it kind of seems like we’re flirting and stuff, a bit beyond your typical Bro Talk, and now we hold hands sometimes? And we almost kissed at the party, and I’m just not really sure where we stand—” ****  
** **

“Ryan, calm down there bud. Take a deep breath.” Ryan did as instructed, trapped in Shane’s warm brown eyes. They held what seemed to be adoration. It suited him. “What do you want to be? Because like, I’m sure it’s painfully obvious by now that I have a major crush on you.” ****  
** **

Ryan giggled and looked away, playing with his fingers. “You do?” ****  
** **

Shane grabbed one of Ryan’s hands in both of his, smile soft. “I do. I like you a lot, Ry. I like your bright, all encompassing smile, and I like your deep brown eyes, and I like your big biceps. I like the way you laugh with your whole body, and god, it drives me fucking crazy when I compliment you and you get all shy and blushy. By far the most adorable shit I’ve ever seen. I really, really do like you. So much. But I, uh, I don’t really know what you want.”  ****  
** **

It had been a good couple of minutes since the bell rang, but Ryan wasn’t too worried. He wasn’t even concerned on Shane’s behalf like he normally would be.  There was just Shane: Shane, and his dazzling smile; Shane, and his warm eyes that looked at Ryan like he was the only person in the world; Shane, and his long, delicate hands, cold where they held Ryan’s warm ones, moving so that their fingers were laced together. Ryan kept his gaze there.  ****  
** **

“For what it’s worth, Shane, I like you a lot too. Your confidence is like, incredibly sexy, and you always say shit that makes me feel like I’m gonna piss myself laughing. You’re one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, because like, you’re smart as hell but you’re  _ also _ musically and artistically talented, which, to be honest, is just fucking unfair. And you’ve got this weird ability to make me calm down which is like,  _ so crazy,  _ dude. Nothing calms me down anymore! I’m a walking bundle of anxiety, but then you like— you just put your arms around me and tell me that I’ll be okay, and then I just  _ am.”  _ Ryan took a deep breath, the tax he had to pay for running his mouth like he often does. “Oh my god I’m ranting again. And I just said ‘like’ about a billion times. Why didn’t you stop me?” ****  
** **

“Because it’s cute.” ****  
** **

“Shaneee, stop!” He buried his face in Shane’s shoulder, ears and cheeks burning a little bit.  ****  
** **

“Nope, never. You’re adorable when you’re all flustered.” ****  
** **

“‘M not adorable,” he mumbled into Shane’s shoulder, feeling Shane unlace their fingers and wrap an arm around his shoulders.  ****  
** **

“Hate to break it to you, but you kind of are.”  ****  
** **

“You’re mean.”  ****  
** **

“No, just honest.” ****  
** **

Ryan finally picked his head up, but he stayed close to Shane, leaned his head on the shoulder that previously was hiding his flushed face. “Are we like… are we dating?” ****  
** **

Shane pressed a kiss to Ryan’s cheek and pulled him closer, fingers playing with the fabric of his jersey. “If that’s what you want.” ****  
** **

“What do  _ you  _ want, Shane? This is about you just as much as it is about me.” ****  
** **

Shane sighed, let his head fall to rest on top of Ryan’s. “I just wanna be able to make you happy, Ryan. I want to be allowed to hold you and kiss you, and I want to be there for you in everything you do. That’s all I want.” ****  
** **

Ryan was sure that if he smiled any harder, his face would split open. “I’m okay with that.” He was about to ask Shane a Big Question, but he could feel Shane’s phone buzzing from where he was pressed up against his side, shattering the serene glass encasing them in that moment. Shane swore and answered the call, but didn’t move his arm.  ****  
** **

“I was planning on going! But I got distracted… no, shut up, it was  _ not _ … leave me alone Zach! Oh my god, Keith’s there too? Tell him to fuck off, I am  _ not,  _ what the fuck did you call it, ‘canoodling’ in the bathroom, you asshole.”  ****  
** **

Ryan tried to stifle his laughter, the call reminding him of why he loved getting Shane riled up. He could somewhat hear Zach’s voice on the other line, but he didn’t have to make out the words to understand him just by Shane’s reaction. “Oh my  _ god, _ you just  _ assume _ it’s Ryan? I have other friends, you know… yes I do! You don’t know my life… you’re just jealous because I actually have a sports ball player!… yes, I  _ am  _ going to  _ at you… _ you literally look at Eugene like you want his dick in your ass 24/7, don’t you fucking go there.” More incoherent yelling from Zach on the other line, then Shane was pinching the bridge of his nose. “Whatever, I’m hanging up now… nah, I might just end up cutting at this point… you’re an asshole, Zachary, and I’m ashamed we’re friends. Okay, bye, love you too.”  ****  
** **

The second Shane hung up, Ryan burst out laughing, feeling his chest ache with how deprived of oxygen he was getting. Shane joined in, too, most likely just because Ryan was laughing. He clasped a hand on Shane’s shoulder, holding on as some sort of support. “You— you have such a unique relationship, Jesus Christ.”  ****  
** **

Ryan decided in that moment that the universe must hate him, for he was unfairly enamored by Shane. ****  
** **

* * *

Ryan sat on a bench in the locker room, his leg bouncing wildly as their coach hyped them up. Not only was it first game of the season, but today they were facing their biggest enemy: Naperville high. Their rivalry dates all the way back to the 80's, and their sports teams have been toe to toe ever since. Ryan didn't want to brag, but his team this year is good. He has high hopes for this game. They've been working their asses off, playing the girls’ varsity team every Friday (who Ryan thought was their only genuine match in terms of skill) and having practices that lasted well until 7:00, with pizza delivered for the whole team.   


This was what they've been preparing for. Ned, Eugene and Jen all sat on the bench with him, looking up at the coach. "You boys— and girl— have worked so hard to get to this point. This is it! It's the first game of the season, first game of  _ our  _ season. Ryan, you have any words you'd like to say to the team?"   
  
He felt a little uncomfortable when all the eyes in the room focused on him, but he still cleared his throat, stood, and addressed his team. "Alright guys—”   
  
"I'm not a guy!"   
  
"It was a figure of speech, Jen." He took a deep breath, thought of what would get his friends fired up, and fought off a smile. "Anyways, pals," Jen gave him a thumbs up at the gender neutral term but otherwise gave no interruption. "This is the first true game that our school's going against Naperville since football season. So y'know what we're gonna do?" He saw the way that the sophomores were staring at him, their eyes reflecting some type of admiration, and Ryan realized for the first time: the younger players fucking look up to him. He was filled with something he couldn’t identify— was it pride? All he knew was that he owed it to everyone he knew to obliterate these overrated fucks. "We're gonna take their gloating, overpriced kicks and their gross lack of talent, and we're gonna shove it so far up their ass that they  _ choke  _ on it."    
  
That did it. The locker room erupted into cheers, and Ned, as expected, jumped up and put an arm around Ryan's shoulder, cheering the loudest. Ryan felt optimistic about the game.   


When they stepped out on the court, Ryan’s heart was racing. The bleachers were full, a sea of dark red and gold on the right, like they were some sort of silent argument towards the group of blue and a much brighter red there in support of the other team. The floors shined— no doubt that it had been extensively cleaned for this first game, to make a good impression on their rivals.  As they got into position, Ryan Made the mistake of looking to his right, waiting for the ref to throw the ball in the air. His eyes scanned the court, despite him not being sure what he was looking for (that’s a lie, he knew what he was hoping to get, but didn’t want to admit it, leave himself vulnerable to disappointment).  ****  
** **

It would’ve been pretty hard to miss him, though. That big head of his stands out against the whole crowd. Shane Fucking Madej, in the center of the first bleacher, joined by Zach, Keith and Kelsey. The thing that really got to his head, though, was Shane’s fashion choice. He was still wearing Ryan’s fucking sweatshirt for God’s sake— the oversized, dark red one he usually 

sleeps in, that  _ just _ fits his— his whatever Shane is. Friend, boyfriend, both? Or neither?  ****  
** **

Shane was also extra enough that he put on red and gold eyeshadow, looking six levels above beautiful. He wished he could march right up and tell Shane how gorgeous he is. But instead, Ryan smiled wide and turned his head away, focusing on the game. It took only a second before everyone burst into action. Ryan tapped into his inner Zac Efron, wanting to laugh at the image of the Disney star who’d been very confusing for him as a child. He wouldn’t let himself get distracted by that, though.  ** **  
****

The competition on the floor was tangible. Ryan immediately made a move for the ball, then looked at Eugene and held up four fingers. They’d developed these little codes for each other a year ago, deciding they needed to find a way to collaborate on the court and occasionally pull one over the competition. Ryan slipped past one guy, watched Eugene make a go for the ball and jogged backwards, getting as close as he could to the basket. It was close— an opponent’s fingers just grazed the ball as it soared towards Ryan. He saw someone making a go for it, so he jumped up to catch it, and threw it to Ned before the blue-jersied motherfucker could even get a chance.  ****  
** **

Ned managed to make a basket, and Ryan couldn’t help but smile. He felt really good about this game.

* * *

 

Ryan stayed on the court all through the game, right up until their halftime intermission. He went to the bench where the rest of his team sat and grabbed a Gatorade, high fiving the majority of his team as he made his way over. The score as of right now was 24-21, much too close for Ryan’s liking. And he knew that the responsible thing to do was to hype up his team, make sure they went into the second half with heads clear and game faces adorned. Then again, there was also a big headed figure sitting on the bleachers with his name on it—  _ literally.  _ The choice was easy. ****  
** **

He gulped the blue Gatorade as he made his way over, wiping at some of the sweat on his forehead with the back of his hand. Shane looked up from his phone when Ryan approached, a wide, toothy smile breaking out on his face when they locked eyes. “Ryan! You’re fucking killing it, oh my god.” Shane enthused. ****  
** **

Ryan laughed and high fived Zach who looked like a kid seeing a celebrity on the street of his home town. “Thanks man. I’d give you a hug but I’m unbelievably sweaty, and your makeup looks good, so I wouldn’t wanna ruin that.”  ****  
** **

“I think all the heterosexuality in this room is rubbing off on me, because I honestly don’t care that you’re all sweaty, even if you might smell like a locker room.” Ryan giggled as Shane stood and hugged him tightly, long arms wrapping around his shoulders and holding him close. “For real though, I never understood the appeal of watching sweaty guys in tank tops run around with a ball for an hour, but now? I totally get it.” He murmured that last part in Ryan’s ear, sending the slightest of shivers up his spine.  ****  
** **

“Glad to hear it, big guy. I’m being kind of an irresponsible team captain right now by abandoning the guys, so I’m gonna have to go, but I just wanted to say hey.”  ****  
** **

Shane gave one final squeeze as a parting and stepped back, flashing Ryan a smile and a thumbs up. “Good luck, Ry. Go kick their ass.”  ****  
** **

* * *

The second half was even more intense, a feat in and of itself considering how charged it had been earlier .  ****  
** **

Ryan sat on the bench for a solid five minutes, insisting he wanted to give some of the newer players a chance to shine, before coach wasn’t having it anymore and sent him back out there.  ****  
** **

He lost track of time with how involved he got, at some point entirely blocked out everything that wasn’t a guy wearing a jersey, a rubber ball, or a hoop. So wrapped up in it that when the other team scored another basket, the score was 46-46, and there was only a minute left. That flipped a switch somewhere in Ryan’s over competitive brain, and he decided he had to dedicate all possible energy to putting these god damn blue shirts in their place.  ****  
** **

And he did. It was unbearably close, every player dancing dangerously close to getting a foul with how aggressive they were playing. The crowd was having a fucking ball (pun not intended), loudly expressing either their excitement over or disappointment towards every little move.    


This continued for one intense, stressful minute, until there were ten seconds left. The ball was passed to Ryan, and they were unfortunately, still tied. He heard the obnoxious countdown of the scoreboard, the game nearly finished. This was it. He had to win this, for his team, for his school, for... for Shane?    
  
He sped down the court, dodging opposing members, his heart thrumming in rhythm with the rubber ball bouncing between his hands. There was one major obstacle: a player from the opposite team who was at least three inches taller. In a moment of rash thinking, Ryan decided his best bet was to just jump and try to make the shot. He knew it would be better if he tried. Right? Or would he be getting everyone's hopes up? Would he be disappointing his team? His school? Would he disappoint Shane, who took time out of his day to watch the game?    
  
Shane. Shane, who couldn't care less about sports if he tried, Shane who genuinely didn't know who the Lakers were until a week ago, Shane who couldn't dribble a ball to save his life. Shane, who despite all this, was sitting there in the front row watching him play. That was all he needed. He had to do this. He had to make this shot, he had to make Shane proud. Ryan was sure the man in question would find a way to work in his deep love for Hamilton if he’d heard Ryan’s thought process, and oddly enough, he didn’t even mind it.    
  
He got out of his head, though, and focused on what was ahead of him. The opposer saw that Ryan didn't even attempt to move around him, just kept going straight. Waiting for Ryan to sidestep. But he didn't, and at the last second, the player dodged getting completely tackled by nothing more than a centimetre. He jumped with everything in him and shot the ball forward, using the momentum from running down the court to propel himself. He held his breath as it circled the rim, and then, as if he were in some sort of highschool movie, it went through nearly at the same exact time the buzzer sounded.    
  
Ryan almost didn't realize what happened. The entire gym exploded into cheers around him. He didn't grasp that they just won the fucking game until his team was crowding around him, clapping him on the back, cheering his name. One of his friends, TJ, picked him up and lifted him in a bone crushing hug. While he was lifted over the crowd of sweaty, ecstatic teenagers, his eyes searched for the one thing he knew he needed to find.    
  
And he saw it. Him. Shane, along with his friends, standing and clapping and cheering louder than anyone else in the bleachers. He could faintly hear over the roar of the crowd Zach, Keith, Shane, and Kelsey shouting his name. And just like that, the view was gone, but forever burned into his brain. His teammates started to part, shaking hands with the newly defeated, which was Ryan's cue to make his way over to Shane.    
  
He got about six feet in front of the bleachers before Shane all but ran at Ryan. He braced himself for the impact, expecting Shane to give him a hug forceful enough to knock someone down, but he was surprised with the impact of something else entirely. Namely, Shane's lips, which were now kissing Ryan. One of Shane's hands was on his cheek, holding his face still, the other on his shoulder.    
  
Ryan kissed back after only a second of stupor, bringing his hands to rest on Shane's chest. He was nearly deafened by the newest chorus of screams from all around, cheering for the pair. He finally pulled away after a mere 10 seconds, looked, and saw Zach grinning dumbly with his phone out. But then he turned his attention back to the matter hand: Shane. "You impressed?"   
  
"Shut up."   
  
"Make me."   
  
"Not here."   
  
They held eye contact for a few seconds, a silent argument, but Ryan eventually stepped back (something in the back of his brain was screaming about the fact that Shane Madej is the only person who’s ever made Ryan back down from any challenge). Zach gave him a huge hug, squeezing with a strength that Ryan could never have guessed he’d have. "That was amazing! I can't believe I'm friends with the coolest basketball player ever!"    
  
Ryan laughed and stepped back, suddenly aware of someone behind him. "Yeah, yeah. I think Eugene wants to talk to you more than I do, though." He expected the punch in his arm completely, and turned back to Shane as he rubbed it. "You still didn't tell me if you're impressed."   
  
"I figured that much was obvious by the fact that I kissed you."   
  
"Oh, I thought that was just a bro thing."    
  
"Ryan Bergara I will slap that grin right off your face, so help me God.”   
  
"Or you could kiss it off."   
  
"Jesus, you're not even remotely subtle."   
  
“I never claimed to be.” Ryan grinned and nudged Shane in the ribs, getting one in return.  Everything was just as it always was. “I wanna kiss you again.” ****  
** **

“Then do it.”  ****  
** **

Ryan giggled and leaned up, hands on Shane’s shoulders for balance as he connected their lips. It was even better the second time, somehow; Shane’s lips were just as soft as Ryan had imagined, his hands strong where they held onto his hips. Shane only pulled away when Ryan licked his lips, much to his dismay. He didn’t mean to whine, but he did anyways, already missing it.  ****  
** **

“I’m not gonna make out with you in the middle of the gym.”  ****  
** **

“Sounds like you’re a coward and a pussy.” ****  
** **

Shane cupped a hand around his ear, like he was straining to hear the sounds that would lead him to the world’s greatest treasure in the world. He then nodded wisely, saying, “sounds about right.” ****  
** **

“You’re so stupid oh my god. I take back wanting to kiss you.” ****  
** **

“No backsies.”  ****  
** **

Ryan laughed and hugged Shane, resting his head on his shoulder. “I’m pretty sure there’s gonna be a party tonight celebrating the game at this sophomore Liam’s house. It’s not just sports kids, so like, don’t worry about that, but do you wanna, I don’t know, tag along maybe? Eugene, Ned and Jen are all coming. You could totally bring a couple of friends too.”  ****  
** **

“Absolutely! Why would I ever pass up an opportunity to go to a wild rich white kid’s party?”  ****  
** **

Ryan smiled, and laced his fingers through Shane’s. “All of us need to shower, but we’re definitely gonna just like, uber from Ned’s house if you want to meet us there.”  ****  
** **

“You can count on it, Bergara.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...how obvious is it that i have no idea how basketball games work?
> 
> lol, but aside from that, i cannot express my gratitude for all of y'all leaving comments. it fills my heart with such strong warmth seeing that you guys enjoy this gay shit, and i'm overjoyed that i've been able to produce something that makes you happy!!! every time i read any comment i essentially turn into that picture of Zach realizing he's the clitoris
> 
> that being said, they finally kiss?!?!?!? wow!!!!! can you believe it took 50k words for these idiots to get their shit together, bc i can. stay tuned for some more Party Shenanigans (you've heard of a jock at a theatre kid party, now get ready for: 4 theatre kids at a huge jock party) and also some sibling content ;))


	11. I’m Going to Castrate You (and Display Your Balls as a Trophy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ryan! No! I’m-I’m naked, don’t come in here!”   
> “Fucking GOOD! It’ll give me better access to those bastards dangling by your tiny ass dick!”   
> “MY DICK IS HUGE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH—” Jake cut himself off with a squeak when Ryan pounded on the door some more, jiggling the doorknob.   
> “I know how to unlock this motherfucker from the outside, don’t you fucking test me Jacob!”

“I swear to go— don’t touch me! Stay the fuck back!” Ryan swatted Shane’s arm as he concentrated, biting down harshly on his lip.  ****  
** **

“Ohh, be careful there Ryan! It’s looking a little wobbly.” TJ teased, prompting a middle finger from Ryan and a laugh from the Sasquatch at his side.  ****  
** **

“I will skin all of you alive and make a rug out of you if you don’t fuck off— Eugene! You piece of shit!” Ryan’s fist flew out blindly to hit Eugene and connected with his shoulder. It may have been violent, sure, but it got him to stop blowing on his neck.  ****  
** **

Ryan turned his focus back to the tower in front of him, hand moving at an agonizing pace as his fingers pushed and prodded at the wooden block. The tower wobbled, steadied itself, and Ryan successfully pulled out the Jenga block. He cheered loudly, putting it onto the top triumphantly.  ****  
** **

Words can’t describe his despair when it toppled just a second after he placed it.  ****  
** **

The ten people sitting in a circle screamed and cheered as Ryan grabbed his hair, feeling what could only be genuine sorrow. “Tough luck, kiddo.” Eugene handed Ryan a shot as he spoke, face filled to the brim with glee.  ****  
** **

“You’re a bitch and I hate you.”  ****  
** **

He threw his head back and ignored the burn as the liquid made its way down his throat, did his best to hide his face as the tower was reassembled. “You know the bet, Ryan,” Keith said with a face that had way too much expression on it. “Stand up and join the circle.” ****  
** **

“This is so  _ stupid!  _ You’re seriously gonna make me play fucking— fucking  _ truth or dare?  _ What is this shit! Blasphemous, that’s what!” ****  
** **

“You’re being a drama queen, Ryan.” ****  
** **

“You’re on  _ board  _ for drama club! Don’t you call me a drama queen!” ****  
** **

Shane had been laughing but now stood up and offered Ryan a hand. “You can’t be that oblivious Ryan. We both know you can be just as dramatic as us sometimes.” ****  
** **

Ryan pouted, but refused to acknowledge he might’ve been right.  ****  
** **

* * *

Ryan had decided long ago that this “seven minutes in heaven” bullshit is, well, bullshit. It was just plain unfair! Sure, truth, drink or dare was fun with a beer bottle spinning in the middle, and seeing Shane make a fool of himself drunk was absolutely delightful. He even didn't mind the fact that he'd lost his shirt as a product of the game. But he started to feel resentment seep in now that they were locked in a (decently sized) closet in Liam’s house. Specifically, because he was straddling Shane’s lap, and his heart was definitely about to beat right out of his chest, and he had to focus a lot just to be able to think about anything that wasn’t Shane’s perfectly messy hair. His brain was short circuiting, the proximity to Shane and the heat of his breath  _ way too much, _ so all he said was, “Hi.” 

“Hey.” Shane let both hands come to rest on his waist and they both giggled, something in the air that Ryan couldn’t really place. “Listen Shane, like, I know—” ****  
** **

He was cut off with an  _ mmph  _ when Shane kissed him, hard. Ryan kissed back without an ounce of hesitation, the only clear thoughts in his brain being Shane, Shane’s hands, and Shane’s lips. He titled his head to the right, wrapped his arms around Shane’s neck, and absolutely  _ savored  _ it. Shane's lips were soft and sweet; he tasted the alcohol they’d had earlier, but he also tasted so much more— way more than he’d allowed himself to taste after the game. He darted a tongue out to lick Shane’s lips, desperately chasing that taste, wanting to see if it was the same, stronger, or entirely different.  ****  
** **

Shane’s mouth opened eagerly, and the moan that left Ryan was entirely involuntarily as Shane’s tongue entered his mouth. Shane’s hands, big and strong, moved from where they’d been holding his hips to slide up his back, fingers dancing lightly along the defined muscles. Ryan pulled back for only a second, just to make a teasing comment. “Y’know, I have plenty more of those.” He’d meant to sound smug, but Shane had left him breathless (not for the first time, but definitely in a new context), so he didn’t even achieve his goal that well.  ****  
** **

Shane’s hands moved to his biceps, then his eyes moved to hold Ryan’s in a gaze that did all kinds of things to Ryan’s dick. It was dark in the closet, the only light coming from the crack between the door and the hardwood floor, which was just enough for Ryan to see Shane’s pupils dilated. Shane’s lips were red, his face flushed, his hair a mess (courtesy of Ryan). Without fully knowing what he was doing, he reached a hand out and just stroked Shane’s cheek. “Hey there, nerd.”  ****  
** **

Shane laughed, grabbed the hand on his cheek to gently kiss Ryan’s knuckles. Shane was such a classic Midwesterner sometimes, and despite how dramatic and outdated and  _ stupid  _ it is, every time Shane kissed his fucking hand it unleashed a cage filled to the brim with butterflies inside his stomach. “Hey there. Loser.” Ryan giggled and put his hands on Shane’s shoulders. Shane didn’t seem to mind, aside from the fact that he muttered, “god damnit, Ryan.” ****  
** **

“What did I do this time?”  ****  
** **

“You— you’re being  _ you,  _ that’s what. You don’t know the things I wanna do to you right now. But also like, we’re drunk, I’m not gonna— gonna do  _ that  _ drunk.” ****  
** **

“Then just kiss me some more.”  ****  
** **

Shane smiled and leaned forward. Ryan met him halfway. He decided that he could definitely get used to this.  ****  
** **

That spell of warmth Shane always cast on Ryan was broken when the door was abruptly thrown open by Eugene. He cut off Ryan’s threats and yelling by tugging on Ryan’s arm, trying to force him up. “Guys! C’mon, you’re gonna wanna see this.”  ****  
** **

“I don’t stop  _ you  _ when you’re making out with hot guys,” Ryan mumbled, still grumpy as he climbed off of Shane’s lap (who was a few shades above confused). He let Eugene pull him towards the commotion regardless, Shane trailing behind.  ****  
** **

Ryan had to admit, it was fairly interesting. Specifically, the fact that Keith and Ned managed to get themselves into a rap battle. Against Jen and Kelsey. Needless to say, Ryan was terrified, yet oddly entertained by the whole ordeal. It registered in the back of his brain that Shane’s arm was slung around his shoulder again, and he leaned into it half-knowingly, most of his attention focused on the scene in front of him.  ****  
** **

Another drink was handed to him, the arm around his shoulder tightened, and Ryan felt nothing but happiness.  ****  
** **

* * *

When Ryan woke up the next morning, he was only a little bit ashamed to realize he had blacked out after the rap battle bullshit. And yeah, he should’ve been at least a  _ little  _ concerned about what videos would surface of him doing dumb shit he can’t remember, but he was honestly glad about two very important things he could remember: Kelsey calling Ned the “human form of white privilege,” and Keith retaliating, “at least I don’t need my girlfriend to defend me.” That, and making out with Shane in a closet, which is  _ just  _ above witnessing that showdown.  ****  
** **

It was hard to indulge in the rush of happiness from everything that happened yesterday, though, given the fact that his head was doing its best to implode on itself and every time he opened his eyes, the world got twenty times brighter. He waited for the initial burst of pain to fade away to dull throbbing, then sat up slowly to deal with the other three major issues: his mouth tasted like shit, his hair was greasy as fuck (he assumed it was also a mess from Shane running his hands through it, despite his protests that he put product in), and he  _ really  _ had to pee.  ****  
** **

A trip to the bathroom, it seemed, was in order. He brushed his teeth while the shower heated up and played the calmest music he could find in his phone. There were a lot of missed texts, but they were fairly low on his list of priorities, and he decided they could wait  _ at least  _ until he smelled less like a sweaty bog monster.  ****  
** **

A few seconds later, and he was practically melting into the heat. There was a sudden burst of giddiness as he stood under the stream of water that was just a touch too hot. He could still feel Shane’s lips on his, could vaguely remember the way he tasted, and those delicately strong hands holding his waist, gripping his biceps and tangling in his hair. Once those particular thoughts fought their way to the forefront of Ryan’s brain, they seemed pretty determined not to leave. Not that he was complaining or anything.  ****  
** **

He had just finished washing his hair and was squeezing a generous amount of body wash into his hand when the water turned icy cold. “JACOB BERGARA, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” Ryan barely thought ahead enough to turn the shower off before he was throwing his shorts back on (still dripping wet) and racing up the stairs, taking two heavy steps at a time. “I’M GOING TO CASTRATE YOU AND DISPLAY YOUR FUCKING BALLS AS A TROPHY!” ****  
** **

He slammed the door to the stairs open and heard Jake’s squeal from the bathroom. As he skidded across the tiles, he saw his dad at the kitchen table drinking coffee and reading the paper, who was way too fucking amused by this. “Ryan! No! I’m-I’m  _ naked,  _ don’t come in here!”  ****  
** **

“Fucking GOOD! It’ll give me better access to those bastards dangling by your tiny ass dick!”  ****  
** **

“MY DICK IS HUGE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH—” Jake cut himself off with a squeak when Ryan pounded on the door some more, jiggling the doorknob.  ****  
** **

“I know how to unlock this motherfucker from the outside,  _ don’t you fucking test me Jacob!” _ ****  
** **

“I’m sorry Ryan! I’ll turn the shower off! You can have all the hot water in the world!” ****  
** **

“IT’S NOT ABOUT THAT ANYMORE!” ****  
** **

“Then what the fuck is it about!” ****  
** **

“It’s about your castration, buddy! I’ve got my scalpel right here!”  ****  
** **

“That’s a lie!” ****  
** **

“Nope, I got it from dad! I have a big fat case of his dentist tools right here, so open up right now!” Ryan accentuated that last point by banging on the door again, distantly aware of the way his head throbbed. Apparently the cure to indescribable pain was threatening to chop off your brother’s testicles.  ****  
** **

“Ryan! Please! I’m— I’m begging you. I’ll do anything!”  ****  
** **

“Anything?” ****  
** **

“Yes! I swear, man, fucking let me shower.” ****  
** **

“Okay, fine! Then  _ give me your fucking balls.” _ ****  
** **

“YOU’LL HAVE TO TAKE THEM FROM MY DEAD BODY!” A few moments of silence followed that declaration, then, “okay, fine. Go into my room, in the first drawer of my nightstand there’s a coupon for a free large popcorn at the movie theatre. You can go take it if you leave me alone.”  ****  
** **

Ryan grinned and immediately left Jake alone— because really, what kind of a dumbass would pass up a free popcorn? He found it easily enough amongst Jake’s clutter, at this point able to easily navigate his brother’s specific type of organized messiness (it was right next to his juul, which was not so well hidden. Jake’s so damn lucky their dad doesn’t search their rooms). He knew that he should probably be going through text messages and snapchat stories, to make sure nobody caught him doing anything embarrassing, but he really just didn’t have the energy.  ****  
** **

Instead, he flopped on Jake’s bed and closed his eyes, hearing the shower start running again. A smile worked its way onto his face when he remembered the game yesterday, and although he hastily tried to suppress it, an inkling of pride managed to fight through. He wondered if his dad would be proud when he told him over shared coffee. He wondered if Jake was proud of him.  ****  
** **

Thinking of Jake raised a different issue in his mind. Specifically, the fact that Jake wasn’t at the party. From what he knew, Jake and Liam were friends, and there was no way that Jake  _ wasn’t  _ invited considering he was a pretty big player on the football team (Ryan always called him a traitor to basketball for joining the football team, but Jake would just roll his eyes and tell Ryan he’s jealous that he’s on varsity with Jen).  ****  
** **

Jake came in with a towel around his waist, not even remotely surprised to see Ryan on his bed. “Hey dude. I know you’re gay and all, but I think watching your brother get dressed crosses a line—” ****  
** **

“Shh! Jake, what the fuck?” Ryan’s voice was in a harsh whisper, fear quickly trickling into his brain. “Dad is  _ right there  _ in the kitchen!” ****  
** **

“Oh, shit! I’m sorry man, I forgot. I doubt he heard me, though. He’s probably getting mad over the paper and cursing out Trump to himself.”  ****  
** **

Ryan rolled his eyes and focused on the ceiling while Jake got dressed. It’s not like there was much of a boundary between them, anyways— that had been entirely disassembled when their parents split, long nights spent in each other’s rooms, trading secrets and playing video games nearly until sunrise. One secret of theirs that they’ve both promised not to tell anyone (it’s equally embarrassing for both sides) was the fact that, when they all moved into this house, he and Jake had slept in each other’s rooms for a full two weeks before they were comfortable enough alone. Eleven-year-old Jake and thirteen-year-old Ryan  _ really  _ got to know each other then, in some ways that Ryan sort of wishes he didn’t.  ****  
** **

He closed off the barriers to memory lane for the time being, instead more focused on interrogating his brother. “So where did you go after the game last night? How come you didn’t go to Liam’s house?”  ****  
** **

“Oh. Uh. Heh. Me and the guys I was at the game with went to hang out at Jess’s, and I may or may not have stayed there until, like, one. But I was totally sober!” ****  
** **

“Oh really? What did you do then?”  ****  
** **

“Everybody binge watched horror movies.” Jake flopped down next to Ryan, now dressed in black jeans and a sweatshirt that is  _ definitely  _ Ryan's— that little bastard. Ryan ruffled his hair anyways, unable to keep the fond smile off his face.  ****  
** **

“Sooo, you finally gettin’ some, Jake?”  ****  
** **

“No! Shut up, it wasn’t like that.” Jake was blushing furiously, a tell-tale sign that he did, in fact, get some. “And besides, you’re one to fucking talk!” ****  
** **

“What the hell are you on about?”   


“You and Shane? At the party last night?”  ****  
** **

Ryan furrowed his eyebrows, trying to figure out how the fuck Jake found out about that— or, more importantly,  _ if  _ he knew about that. There was a very high possibility he was trying to goad Ryan into admitting to it, which he wasn’t about to fucking fall for. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, nothing happened between us.” ****  
** **

“Oh really? Nothing happened? Then explain  _ these  _ texts.”  ****  
** **

A phone was thrust into his face, displaying a conversation between him and Jake that looked bad before he even read the messages.  ****  
** **

_ hiiiii jake. i kissded shane face and he is vrey prety and also i m  very gay  _ ****  
** **

_ how much did u drink dumbass  _ ****  
** **

_ like, idk man,,,., about thsi many  _ ****  
** **

_ do u realize that i cant see ur hands _ ****  
** **

_ aw shit, that scucks jake!! im so soryr to hear that :((  _ ****  
** **

_ you can brorrow my eyes if yuo want  _ ****  
** **

_ i onlyl need thsm to look at shaen a little more but u can have thems after  _ ****  
** **

_ that’s gay  _ ****  
** **

_ i kno right!!  _ ****  
** **

_ not a guay as hus lispps thooo ;))))))  _ ****  
** **

_ i love you man, but this is wayyy more than i wanna be hearing  _ ****  
** **

_ sorryr. are u jealosu???  _ ****  
** **

_ nope. shane’s all yours.  _ ****  
** **

_ yayy  _ ****  
** **

_ i wasn’t gonna share him sanywaysss  _ ****  
** **

**_[eight laughing crying emojis]_ ** ****  
** **

_ ohhhh shitttt i gotta go now!!! i thikn that shaens done defending his honor  _ ****  
** **

_ don’t kill yourself, bro  _ ****  
** **

Ryan didn’t think he’s ever blushed so hard in his life. “I-I, uh, wow. That’s… that’s pretty embarrassing. Any chance you’ll forget that ever happened?” ****  
** **

“Oh, Ryan. Sweet, sweet Ryan. You know there’s zero chance of that happening.” ****  
** **

He rolled over and groaned into Jake’s pillow, deeply regretting every decision that lead to him being there. ****  
** **

* * *

Eventually, he got his morning cup of coffee (still naked aside from the basketball shorts he’d hastily thrown on in his fit of rage) and sat across the table from his dad. He tried his best to be casual about it, wanting to see his dad’s surprise and excitement for himself. “So, did you hear about the game last night?” Ryan wanted to laugh at himself immediately afterwards, feeling like a lazily written  _ Law and Order  _ character, but he managed to hide that with a sip from his mug.  ****  
** **

His dad put the paper down when Ryan spoke, fixing his glasses as he gave him undivided attention. “No, Jake hasn’t told me about it yet. How did it go? Did you guys win.”  ****  
** **

“Yeah, well…” Ryan sighed, hoping he was as good of an actor as he thought. He saw dad’s face drop in disappointment and couldn’t hold it back any longer, face breaking out into a huge grin. “I won the scoring point, and kindaaaa totally led the team to victory.” ****  
** **

His mouth opened in shock, the cup of coffee in his hand forgotten on the table. He made his way around the table and hugged Ryan, who resisted the urge to squirm out of it. “That’s amazing, Ryan! Wow! Was everybody happy for you?”  ****  
** **

Ryan smiled and pushed his dad away after a few seconds, starting to get embarrassed. “Yeah, everybody cheered a lot. TJ picked me up in a hug.”  ****  
** **

His dad was still grinning widely, showing off the teeth only a dentist could have (or a dentist’s son, in Ryan’s case). “I’m so proud of you, mijo! I remember when you were just my little boy, throwing the ball through the hoop in the backyard. Now look at you!”  ****  
** **

Ryan’s face started to heat up considerably at all the compliments, and he tried his best to hide behind his coffee cup. “It’s not  _ that  _ big of a deal…”  ****  
** **

“IT TOTALLY IS,” Jake shouted from his room. Ryan could pretty much  _ hear  _ that dumb fucking smirk on his face.  ****  
** **

“Shut _up_ , Pendejo!” ****  
** **

“¡No tú, pinche puta!”  ****  
** **

“ ¡ Llenaré tus pulmones de agua, marico!” ****  
** **

“AY! RYAN, JAKE!” Their dad finally interjected, eyebrows furrowed. “Ryan, mira tu idioma! Est á s hablando como un pedazo de mierda homofóbico. Te enseñé mejor que esta. Jake…” he sighed and sat back down in his seat heavily before he spoke, reverting back to English. “Be nice to your brother.”  ****  
** **

He heard Jake laugh from his room (where he was definitely pressed against the wall listening to them) and fought the urge to slam his head into the table. “Why do  _ I  _ get called a homophobic piece of shit? He called me a fucking bitch! Shouldn’t you be calling him sexist?”  ****  
** **

“I’ve seen your brother around girls, Ryan. That kid wouldn’t know  _ how  _ to be sexist, he’s too busy stumbling over himself whenever he sees a pretty girl.”  ****  
** **

Ryan cracked up laughing at that. In the midst of all his emotions about Shane, he completely forgot about how much he loves his dad. It sent a couple of really sharp pains through his chest, specifically that he was hiding something so  _ big  _ from his dad. He knew right away about Marielle and Helen. Shouldn’t he know about Shane, too?  ****  
** **

But Ryan also wasn’t ready yet. He would do it soon, but… he doesn’t think he can right now. It’s way too stressful. Instead he let his dad mess up his hair and go back to reading the paper. He took that as the conversation being over, and was  _ finally  _ able to pay attention to the overwhelming amount of notifications on his phone.  ****  
** **

Despite there being at  _ least  _ 100 texts from his groupchat alone, and a solid twenty other people who tried to contact him, he saw three missed texts from Shane an hour and a half ago (what kind of a man is awake at ten after a party like  _ that?)  _ So, it was kind of obvious what texts he’d be opening. ****  
** **

_ Hey. My parents are bugging me and keep saying they wanna meet you.  _ ****  
** **

_ Oh, and uh, they don’t really know that we’re… dating _ ****  
** **

_ As of right now they may or may not think I have a massive crush on you _ ****  
** **

_ haha, nerd. ur parents knew u had a massive crush on me? _ ****  
** **

_ Leave me alone, they’re very… pushy, y’know  _ ****  
** **

_ bold of you to assume i know what having normal parents is like  _ ****  
** **

_ oh wait. ouch. that was edgy  _ ****  
** **

_ Ryannnnn :((( _ ****  
** **

_ heheh  _ ****  
** **

_ My parents will take one look at you and wanna adopt you though, so I mean… _ ****  
** **

_ sweet home, alabama  _ ****  
** **

_ OMG SHUT UP _ ****  
** **

_ You suck!!! _ ****  
** **

_ only when i’m paid ;)  _ ****  
** **

_ Jesus Christ, babe _ ****  
** **

_ jkfjgekckljc  _ ****  
** **

_ Noted.  _ ****  
** **

_ sorry u called me a cute name and my brain malfunctioned _ ****  
** **

_ I’ll keep that in mind  _ ****  
** **

_ don’t you dare use that to bully me _ ****  
** **

_ I wouldn’t dream of it, baby _ ****  
** **

_ i didn’t ask for this  _ ****  
** **

_ You’re the one that kissed me, soooo you did. _ ****  
** **

_ i’m literally not??? you assaulted me in the middle of the gym and put your lips on my face. i was entirely defenseless.  _ ****  
** **

_ B i t c h you kissed me back  _ ****  
** **

_ and aLSO you were the one that kissed me in the closet last night  _ ****  
** **

_ Okay yeah, but you kissed me first in the pool _ ****  
** **

_ pool?  _ ****  
** **

_ You don’t remember? Figures. You were absolutely wasted  _ ****  
** **

_ I had to carry you to your door and kinda prayed you’d be okay  _ ****  
** **

_ tea  _ ****  
** **

_ was i cute at least?  _ ****  
** **

_ Very.  _ ****  
** **

_ fuck yeah! _ ****  
** **

_ and about your parents, you should invite me over today or tomorrow  _ ****  
** **

_ You’re just inviting yourself now? Cocky.  _ ****  
** **

_ yeah, but that’s not why i’m coming over ;)  _ ****  
** **

_ First of all, what happened to you being super blushy and choking on your coffee at the slightest mention of something having to do with sEx _ ****  
** **

_ Second of all, you’re just assuming that you’re coming over now?  _ ****  
** **

_ well yeah, obviously. i’m irresistible. you couldn’t say no to me.  _ ****  
** **

_ Well… you got me there  _ ****  
** **

_ oh shit, i didn’t expect that to work  _ ****  
** **

_ also... i don’t have a car and my dad probably won’t let me use his _ ****  
** **

_ Dw about it. I’ll pick you up <3 _ ****  
** **

_ gay.  _ ****  
** **

_... _ ****  
** **

_ <3 _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s that whole Spanish segment translated lol  
> “Shut up, dumbass.”  
> “No you, fucking bitch!”  
> “I will fill your lungs with sand, f*ggot!”  
> “Ryan, watch your language! You’re talking like a homophobic piece of shit. I taught you better than this.” 
> 
> Gotta love family bonding right? (it's funny because ryans gay)


	12. I Am Not Dramatic (He Says Dramatically)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane’s mom laughed and spoke as Ryan continued to gush over The Beautiful Orange Boy. “I was doing some laundry and this little guy was meowing at your door, just thought I’d let him in.”
> 
> “Yeah, sorry, I was distracted by Thor’s muscles," Shane deadpanned.

It took a few days for something to work out with coming over for dinner, which was good because it gave him ample time to be anxious in preparation (you can’t just go into a situation like that without stressing out for  _ at least _ five hours). He settled for after school on Thursday, right after basketball practice. Eugene dropped him off and he hopped in the shower immediately.  ****  
** **

It took Ryan a solid forty minutes to get ready.  _ Ryan _ . Who has literally gone straight from his bed to Eugene’s car in the morning multiple times this year alone. This is the same guy who once brushed his teeth  _ in the car _ . The things he does for this fucking boy. Ryan was, admittedly, overreacting a bit— he spent way too much time on his hair and changed into 3 different outfits before he made Jake decide for him. His brother had decided on a blue floral button down with black jeans— it wouldn’t be  _ that  _ obvious he was trying, but he’d still look nice, was Jake’s logic.  ****  
** **

He knew all the obsessing was useless, but he couldn’t help the way his brain was going haywire. It was  _ Shane’s parents.  _ He’s only ever met Mari’s parents before, and even then he was so stressed out he smoked a  _ small  _ amount of weed in the bathroom (yes, he did bring it just in case). But he wasn’t going to let himself do that this time— he was going to go there, be charming, maybe secretly kiss Shane for courage, and make Shane’s parents love the fuck out of him.  ****  
** **

Truth be told, he’s good at making impressions on parents. He can tell he’s secretly a favourite out of all his friends’ parents, always acting the perfect mix of funny and polite. He wasn’t too worried that they wouldn’t like him, but what if he said the wrong thing? What if  _ they  _ didn’t think he was funny? What if they just saw him as this dumb jock kid that their son is unfortunately hanging out with?  ****  
** **

He’d planned not to voice any of these thoughts to Shane, but it happened anyways when he was in the car. His leg had been bouncing wildly and he may or may not have been rambling for five minutes straight about how he was sure he’d solved the Black Dahlia case. They were still in the car when Shane parked in the driveway and put a hand on Ryan’s knee. “Ryan, babe. Look at me.” Shane spoke soothingly enough that Ryan did as instructed. He didn’t want to admit that the look on Shane’s face genuinely went a long way in slowing his racing heart, but it was evident that was the main factor. “They’re gonna love you.” ****  
** **

“Okay, but like, we don’t  _ know  _ that.”  ****  
** **

“ _ You _ don’t, but I do. I didn’t wanna have to embarrass myself in order to calm you down, but I uh, heh.” He rubbed the back of his neck when he said that, glancing away from Ryan’s eyes. “I kinda talk about you, like, a lot. They _ make fun of me  _ because of how much I mention you. You’ll be fine.”  ****  
** **

Ryan was blushing at that point, focusing on his interlocked fingers when Shane leaned over and kissed his cheek. “C’mon. We can go play video games in my room or something until dinner’s ready.”  ****  
** **

 

* * *

 

“So, let me get this straight,” Shane said through mouthfuls of popcorn,  _ Thor Dark World  _ playing in the background as part of their impromptu Worst Marvel Movies Marathon. “You called your brother a fag in Spanish? Right in front of your dad?”  ****  
** **

“Okay,  _ yes,  _ but  _ he  _ called me a fucking bitch, so I think it cancels out.”  ****  
** **

Shane just laughed and kissed Ryan’s cheek, which may or may not have made his face heat  up like fire flowed through his veins. He’s still getting used to the blatantly romantic affection, unsure of what to do with all the Mushy Gushy Feelings™ that never failed to course through his body at the slightest touch. Shane must have noticed this and laughed, one hand reaching out to cup his cheek. “You’re so fucking adorable, Ryan. Sometimes I don’t even know what to do with myself.”  ****  
** **

Ryan’s brain short circuited.  ****  
** **

He took a solid five seconds to answer through all that god damn  _ emotion  _ clouding his brain, but he managed to get out, “you could always just kiss me.”  ****  
** **

“That I can.”  ****  
** **

The arm that had been loosely around Ryan’s waist while sitting on Shane’s bed tightened when Shane leaned in to kiss him. Shane’s lips were soft, so fucking soft, and he smelled like chai tea and forests and old spice, and it was all  _ way too fucking much  _ for Ryan to take in. So, like the dumbass he is, he decided to add  _ more  _ sensation by licking at Shane’s lips.  ****  
** **

He took the que instantly, tongue slipping inside Ryan’s mouth in a way that forced out an involuntary groan. Shane used both of his hands to grab Ryan’s hips and pull them down, Ryan now lying on top of Shane’s chest, which may or may not have elicited a slight giggle. Every inch of Ryan was touching Shane, his warmth surrounding and enveloping Ryan. Despite the fact that they were essentially morphing into one person, Ryan wanted… well, Ryan actually didn’t know what he wanted, the only words that could come to mind were “Shane” and “more.”  ****  
** **

Ryan tried to express those not so coherent thoughts with even less coherent noises, just whines that he prayed Shane could understand the meaning of. One of Shane’s hands reached up, tangled in Ryan’s hair, ensured Ryan didn’t go anywhere. The other slipped under his shirt, reached up his back, and  _ oh.  _ That must have been what he’d been craving, that warm, skin-to-skin contact, because it caused about a hundred other sensations to bloom. That specific fact was conveyed through another groan (let’s be real here, it was more of a moan), and Ryan didn’t even need to see or hear Shane, he could just  _ sense  _ his smugness.  ****  
** **

It was amazing, unfathomably so, but Ryan’s curiosity got the better of him. So sat up (and made a conscious decision to straddle Shane’s hips, wanting to at least somewhat drive the beanpole crazy), eyes wide as he admired the view below him, hands splayed on Shane’s chest for balance.  ****  
** **

His lips were red and wet, spit making them glisten that had no clear owner— it could’ve easily been either of them— and one spot that was a little redder, where Ryan  _ might  _ have bitten a little too hard. He tried not to pay too much attention to those eyes, pupils dilated in a way that did all sorts of things to Ryan’s stomach, and moved his eyes down. Shane was wearing dark ripped jeans, his classic red flannel, and a Pixies tour shirt that Ryan had every intention of stealing and sneaking back home when he left.  ****  
** **

“See somethin’ you like?”  ****  
** **

“Sure do.”  ****  
** **

“You gonna keep starin’ at me, or are you gonna get down here and kiss me?” ****  
** **

The sound of footsteps coming up the stairs stopped Ryan from doing as suggested, instead he flopped over onto the bed (a careful inch of space between him and Shane) and grabbed a handful of popcorn as Shane smoothed over his hair (Ryan noticed that he pulled the blanket over his lap, smirked, but decided not to tease Shane about it—  _ yet _ ). With the bowl placed between them as an added layer of safety, Ryan pointed at the police officers trying to arrest Jane, laughing as he said, “this bitch looks like a whole ass banana in that rain coat.”  ****  
** **

Shane laughed too, in a surprised way. “Thor’s been reunited with the love of his life, and that’s all you have to say about this scene? You’re unbelievable, Ryan!” ****  
** **

They were cracking up over what was, admittedly, a really lame joke when Shane’s mom opened the door. Obi walked through her legs when she did so, walking across the room and jumping on Shane’s bed. Needless to say, Ryan fell in love instantly. He reached a hand out for the cat to smell, and when he nuzzled Ryan’s hand, his heart all but stopped beating.  ****  
** **

Shane’s mom laughed and spoke as Ryan continued to gush over The Beautiful Orange Boy. “I was doing some laundry and this little guy was meowing at your door, just thought I’d let him in.” ****  
** **

“Yeah, sorry, I was distracted by Thor’s muscles,” Shane deadpanned. Ryan could see an inkling of a smile, though,  just beneath the surface. He would’ve admired it, but Obi climbed into his lap which took priority.  ****  
** **

“Shane! Can I— can I pick him up and, like, give him a big ‘ol hug?”  ****  
** **

Shane laughed, his eyes shining in That Way. “Yes, Ryan, you can hug him all you want. Obi’s a very cuddly boy.”  ****  
** **

Ryan absolutely  _ did not  _ let out a squeal when Obi cuddled into his chest, soft purrs vibrating through his body. “I think I know what love feels like.”  ****  
** **

“So you don’t love Micki and Dori? Guess I’ll have to steal them. Mom, how would you like two tiny dogs?” ****  
** **

“You  _ wouldn’t!”  _ ****  
** **

“Oh, but I  _ would,  _ Ryan Bergara! Those sweethearts deserve a loving environment—” ****  
** **

Ryan cut Shane off mid sentence by throwing a pillow at his face— an amazing feat, considering he had The Purring Orange Baby in his arms. Shane’s mom, leaning against the door frame, just laughed at the two. Her light brown hair was in a short, classic Mom Bob, and he could see just from her warm, amber eyes that his previous anxiety was completely unwarranted. “Shane, stop being so mean to him! You’re gonna drive away all your friends one of these days.”    


“Mom, you say that like anyone could ever resist my charm.” ****  
** **

“I could,” Ryan said with a smirk. ****  
** **

She was still smiling wide, but didn’t actually walk into the room. “Dinner’s in the oven right now, should be ready in ten or so minutes. We’ll eat when your dad gets home. You boys stay out of trouble until then.” She winked and turned around, the door left open.  ****  
** **

“Your mom is great and I love her.”  ****  
** **

Shane laughed and put the popcorn bowl on the nightstand next to him, then shuffled a little closer to Ryan. “She loves you, too. I could see it on her face.” He scratched Obi’s chin as he spoke, smiling fondly.  ****  
** **

“Shane, just saying, you absolutely gotta take a selfie with me and Obi right now, because this is the cutest shit that’s ever existed. Well, next to you.”  ****  
** **

“Sorry, babe, but I think that’s your title.” He kissed Ryan’s cheek to punctuate that point, and Ryan really wished he wouldn’t do that; it made it  _ so much harder  _ to be grumpy about his compliment essentially getting uno reversed. Shane took the picture despite his confliction, and Ryan was totally going to make that his lockscreen when he left his house. That was besides the point, though, and he let that thought drift away when Shane rubbed the back of his neck, obviously about to speak. “Ryan, I may have… uh… neglected to tell you something.”  ****  
** **

Ryan raised an eyebrow, trying to conceal all the anxiety that bubbled in his chest at that statement. What the fuck was Shane about to tell him? There are  _ so many _ things. Like, he fucked his ex, or he’s HIV positive, or he’s signing them up for the Westboro Baptist Church’s next sermon, or… okay. Ryan could kind of see what everyone meant when they called his anxieties irrational.  ****  
** **

His worrying was obviously an exercise in futility, he learned when Shane laughed and threw an arm around his shoulders. “Jesus, Ryan. I forgot you always assume that I’m gonna tell you, like, that I’m a demon sent from hell to rip out your soul or some shit like that. It’s nothing  _ bad,  _ tell that to all those little ideas floating around your noggin.”  ****  
** **

Ryan giggled and leaned into the touch, the fluffy baby leaping out of his arms at the movement. “Alright, get on with it, Madej.” ****  
** **

“I may or may not have told my parents that you’re, uh, my boyfriend. Last night. They were grilling me! You don’t wanna know how hard it is to keep a secret from those two.” ****  
** **

Ryan let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, a smile working its way onto his face. “That’s it? Damn, talk about dramatics.”  ****  
** **

“Y-you don’t mind that I, like, y’know… called you  _ that?”  _ ****  
** **

“No, not really.”  ****  
** **

Shane nodded, and Ryan took a small amount of pride in the fact that he was, not for the first time, losing his composure. He liked knowing that he was one of the few things that could phase Shane Madej so much that it caused a physical reaction. “Oh, that’s— that’s cool! You don’t, um, do you like…” Shane huffed out a frustrated breath, ran a hand over his face in an attempt to calm down. ****  
** **

“Take your time there, babe.” Ryan liked the way the nickname sounded when he said it. “I’m not going anywhere soon.”  ****  
** **

“You’re a bully. But that’s besides the point. What I was trying to say is, do you…  _ want  _ to, y’know, be my boyfriend?”  ****  
** **

Ryan smiled and kissed Shane, his hand resting on his neck. “You seriously got all nervous asking me to be your boyfriend? That’s so fucking adorable, oh my god.”  ****  
** **

“Shut up! You make me nervous.”  ****  
** **

He laughed and cuddled up to Shane’s side, the realization of what was happening flooding his veins with a certain type of giddiness. “My answer’s yes, by the way. I would absolutely love to be your boyfriend.”  ****  
** **

“Thank god! Dinner would’ve been really awkward if you said no.”  ****  
** **

“Like I could ever say no to you.”  ****  
** **

Shane didn’t answer verbally, just pulled Ryan closer and kissed the top of his head. Ryan was definitely going to Freak the Fuck Out in the groupchat later that night.  ****  
** **

 

* * *

 

Ryan had insisted on helping Shane’s mom set the table. The eleven years he spent with an Asian mom forced him to have top tier manners, and among those were being almost obnoxiously polite to your host. He had seriously considered bringing Shane’s mom flowers or something, but figured he’d hold off on something like that until he at least met her once. Shane was making fun of him for it, saying his friends would literally come over, say nothing, wolf down all her food, and she still loved them (he’d responded _ “unlike them,  _ I  _ was raised better than that. And I wanna make a good impression!” _ ).  ****  
** **

He was putting out the plates when Shane’s dad opened the door, with a loud proclamation of, “Honey, I’m hoooome.” ****  
** **

Shane’s mom just sighed and put her hands on her hips. “Are you seriously going to keep doing this? Why do you have to announce it when you walk in a room? What’s the point?” ****  
** **

“To make sure you don’t miss me!” He walked into the kitchen and Ryan put the last of the plates down, hastily standing with his back straight. “So… you’re the guy that’s dating my son?” ****  
** **

“Uh, hello, Mr. Madej, I’m Ryan.” He internally cursed himself for stumbling over his words, but tried to save that for later and instead stuck his hand out. Shane’s dad glared for half a second, then burst into laughter and shook Ryan’s hand eagerly.  ****  
** **

“Look at this kid! I can’t believe I made him this nervous. How you doing Ryan?”  ****  
** **

“I-I’m good, sir, thank you for asking.” Ryan could see Shane laughing into his hand out of the corner of his eye. Asshole.  ****  
** **

“Please, Ryan. None of that ‘sir’ and ‘Mr. Madej’ bullshit, just call me Mark.”  ****  
** **

Shane finally let his laughter loose, doubled over due to the effort. “The hell did I tell you, Ryan?”  ****  
** **

Ryan turned to stick his tongue out at his boyfriend (he can call him that now! His boyfriend! Wow!), fighting really hard to keep the smile off his face.  ****  
** **

“He always like this, Shane?” Mark asked, amusement spelled out in capital letters all over his face.  ****  
** **

“Never takes a fuckin’ break.”  ****  
** **

Ryan gave up on the grumpiness, wanting too badly to join in on the laughter. “Hi, 911? I’d like to report some bullying happening.”  ****  
** **

Mark smiled and clapped Ryan on the back. “You picked a good one this time, Shane.”  ****  
** **

“‘This time?’ What’s that supposed to mean?” ****  
** **

“You know exactly what that means!” Shane’s mom called, walking over with a dish held by potholders. Ryan noticed that they were decorated in roses and said in cursive,  _ “Hot Shit.” _ ****  
** **

“Ouch. I feel attacked.” Shane sat down, and Ryan sat in the seat right next to him, running his fingers across the subtle Christmas tablecloth (it was literally December 2nd, but okay). Mark sat down at the head of the table, still dressed in work attire: a blue button up shirt, slacks, and a purple tie. He hadn’t shaved in a while it seemed, brown beard peppered with gray. His hair was like that, too, thinning out at the top and getting progressively more silver towards the edges. Interestingly enough, though, something about him still looked incredibly young. There were wrinkles around his eyes, yes, but what stood out more was the laughter shining through. It was the way he smiled, found his own jokes hilarious, that really brought about a sense of youth. ****  
** **

Ryan looked to his left and saw that Shane was looking at him, beaming brighter than the sun. “What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?”  ****  
** **

Shane just shook his head, trying to play it off (even though Ryan could  _ tell  _ he was feeling something cavity-inducing). “Nothing. I’m just happy. I’m having my boyfriend over for dinner with my parents, and it’s great, you know?” ****  
** **

Ryan grinned, and really,  _ really  _ wanted to kiss him right then. But you know, impressions. So he just grabbed Shane’s hand under the table and tried his best to convey that fact through his eyes. Maybe even that was too much— he wasn’t really aware of how to act in front of a boyfriend’s parents, but he also had a strong feeling it would include  _ not  _ being too romantic. If at all.  ****  
** **

He let go and looked up to see Sherry had her phone out, and was smiling even harder than Shane. “You two are so cute! Shane, why didn’t you bring him over sooner? He’s the sweetest little thing ever!”  ****  
** **

Shane had his head in his hands and was groaning. “That’s exactly why, mom. Because you’re talking about him like he’s  _ your  _ boyfriend, and you’re— you’re taking  _ pictures  _ of him! You’ve known this guy for like, a few hours, and you’re already acting like he pulled the sun out of his ass!” ****  
** **

“I’m pretty sure I’d feel it if I had the sun in my ass.” ****  
** **

“Ryan! Shut up! You’re not making this any better.” ****  
** **

Mark was losing his shit, a hand on his stomach as he leaned back and laughed. “Isn’t my son so dramatic?” ****  
** **

“I am  _ not  _ dramatic!” ****  
** **

“He says dramatically,” Mark deadpanned.  ****  
** **

Shane huffed out a breath of annoyance, his face starting to get a little red. “Aww, is Shane Madej blushing right now?” Ryan asked, reaching out a hand to pinch Shane’s cheek.  ****  
** **

“I am not! Leave me alone!” Shane smacked Ryan’s hand away, arms crossed over his chest now.  ****  
** **

“He’s totally blushing,” Ryan whispered to Shane’s parents. ****  
** **

“Nobody talk to me for the next five minutes! I’m gonna shove this pasta into my face and if I hear anybody say my name I will throw silverware!”  ****  
** **

They all shared a laugh as they served themselves. Apparently, it’s easy to bond with your boyfriend(!!!!!!)’s parents by making fun of him. Ryan would have to take notes for later. Shane only got a break for a minute before Mark was looking at him, with one of those classic Dad Smiles that told Ryan half of what he was going to say before it even left his mouth. “So, Ryan, how would you like to hear some stories about my Second Born Son, Whose Name We Will Not Say?”  ****  
** **

“Why, I would absolutely love to!” ****  
** **

“NO! Please, dad, I’m begging you here—” ****  
** **

“I’ll tell you one of my favourites,” Mark said, completely ignoring his kid. “So one time when Son was maybe 10 or so, him, Keith and Zach decided they wanted to make a comic book—” ****  
** **

“Dad! Holy shit, no. Don’t tell him about the comic book,  _ please _ . I’ll literally pay you. Do you want money? I have money!” ****  
** **

“They ended up making a whole comic book series, titled:  _ The Hot Daga,  _ a Hot Dog Saga. Commissioned by Scott Madej, adored by everyone.”  ****  
** **

“Mark, stop embarrassing him!” Sherry scolded, pointing with her fork.  ****  
** **

“What? He’s the one who brought his boyfriend over! He should’ve known what he was getting into.” ****  
** **

“I’m going to hire a hitman to take out everyone in this room,” Shane said from where his face was still in his hands.  ****  
** **

“Aww, but how will you make the sequel?” Ryan poked Shane in the arm when he said that, hoping for any kind of reaction.  ****  
** **

“…Let me eat pasta in peace.”  ****  
** **

Mark and Sherry laughed at the pair and exchanged a Look. “We’re gonna have to bring this kid to Scott.” ****  
** **

 

* * *

 

Shane complained about the fact that Ryan wanted to help clean up after dinner. As he washed the dishes in the sink, Shane groaned and moped around the kitchen, yelling about how “you’re setting a standard that’s wayyy too high! She’s gonna start expecting this every night.” ****  
** **

“Maybe you should be nicer to your mother then, Shane.” ****  
** **

Shane pouted at that, sat at the counter across from Ryan and put his head in his hands. “I love my mother! I just don’t make myself work that hard.”  ****  
** **

“You see what I have to deal with, Ryan!” She called over her shoulder as she scraped the leftovers into a Tupperware. “Did you like it? You can bring some home if you want, these two boys certainly have enough leftovers.” ****  
** **

Ryan chuckled in that way he saves for adults and parents, smiling and trying not to blush. “No, it’s okay, I’m sure Shane loves it too much to see it go.” ****  
** **

“Are you sure? I can put some aside for you, if you heat it up tomorrow it’ll be good as ever—” ****  
** **

“Moooom, stop mom-ing my boyfriend!” Shane whined, looking all too adorable.  ****  
** **

“I can’t help it! Look at this little cutie pie. Are you like this at home? Your parents must be so spoiled with how much you help out.” ****  
** **

Something about that sentence brought a wave of tension that washed over the room. Shane glared at Sherry while Ryan just scratched the back of his neck, feeling his cheeks heat up significantly. “I, uh, we don’t usually eat like, real meals as a family. Usually my dad will cook something when he gets home from work and leave it on the stove or something.”  ****  
** **

Sherry looked insanely embarrassed, face contorted into one of those  _ I can’t believe I just said that  _ looks. “Oh! I’m sorry, Ryan, I didn’t mean to… ah, embarrass you or anything. But I’ll tell you what! You’re welcome to stop by for dinner any time you’d like.” ****  
** **

“Oh jeez guys,” Shane looked at his watch as he spoke, “just checked my calendar and it seems I’m busy every day from six to nine.” ****  
** **

“That’s fine! We’ll just have him over and eat without you.”  ****  
** **

Ryan laughed and did his best to get the other moment out of his head, instead focusing on the warmth spreading through his chest. “C’mon, Ryan. I gotta get you home. As much as you’d love to hang out with my mom forever.” ****  
** **

Sherry pouted at Shane’s declaration, but offered no protest. Instead she stepped towards Ryan, arms outstretched.  _ That  _ he didn’t need instructions for. He welcomed the hug, all too aware of Shane’s groaning. There was a hugely inconvenient comeuppance of emotions, just then. He chose to file those away to be dealt with later, though. Now probably wasn’t the best time to get emotional. He stepped away, put his shoes on, shook Mark’s hand, and was basically shoved out the door by Shane.  ****  
** **

They drove for exactly two minutes before Shane pulled over into a CVS parking lot (romantic), tapping his finger against the steering wheel. His radio flashed that it was 7:30, not very late at all considering other things they’ve done on school nights, and it still played the generic station that turns on automatically when you start the car. Ryan looked over to his boyfriend (that’s right! His boyfriend! Shane Madej, who is now officially the boyfriend of Ryan Bergara!), confused, and just on the edge of concerned. “Is everything okay, Shane?” ****  
** **

Shane sighed and turned to make eye contact. He held Ryan’s hand, gentle, and everything about him was so not-Shane that it seriously started to make Ryan worry. “I’ve gotta be honest with you, here. My ex boyfriend? Kind of… a piece of shit. The one who showed up at the party and made us leave early. He and I dated for like, six months, and my parents fucking despise him. I won’t get into the details right now, but all in all, just… a very shitty boyfriend. Treated me pretty badly when I didn’t have much of a standard for myself. I was a little bit worried about tonight, because my mom and dad have been worried about me dating again after how he treated me, and I didn’t think they’d be so quick to accept you.”  ****  
** **

Ryan sat there, trying to process all the information. He kept his grip tight on Shane’s hand. There was one prevailing thought, though. One question that wouldn’t leave Ryan’s mind unless he asked it. “Why are you telling me this?” ****  
** **

Shane breathed in deeply, exhaled harder, and looked away. “Because I’m really scared, Ryan.”  ****  
** **

“What are you scared of?” ****  
** **

“A lot of things. Too many things.” ****  
** **

Ryan reached a hand out to touch Shane’s cheek, held it there until he looked. “Shane, baby. You realize who you’re talking to here, right? In my mind ‘too many things’ to be scared of doesn’t scratch the surface. Please talk to me about it. You do it for me, like, daily.” ****  
** **

Shane fell a centimeter short of a smile at that, the fondness in his eyes compensating. “Yeah, but it’s cute when you do that. This,” he gestured at himself, “ain’t exactly cute. Me teetering towards having a breakdown in a CVS parking lot, that is.”  ****  
** **

Ryan used both hands to pull Shane into a short kiss, then unbuckled. “Get out. Switch seats with me.” ****  
** **

“What? What are you doing Ryan?” ****  
** **

Ryan didn’t answer, just walked around to Shane’s side of the car and opened the door for him. “We’re having this conversation at a better place. If we’re talking about this now, it doesn’t have to be outside the fucking drug store. You can come home with me, if you want. Maybe cuddle Dori some more.” ****  
** **

Shane was hesitant, but eventually got out (Ryan may have bribed him with a few kisses, but that fact’s unimportant). Ryan smiled to himself, ignored the fact that his license wasn’t technically on his person, and drove.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y’all i am so genuinely sorry that this took so long lmao. this is… a bad chapter and i was procrastinating uploading it bc its just,,,, s o b a d lmao.
> 
> i feel like i crammed too many things into this chapter. it’s a fucking sardine tin of a writing piece. i’m sorry if it seems rushed or like i threw in too many things lol, i have about 8 billion ideas at any given moment and it’s hard to plan em all out.


	13. iTs a ReCtAnGuLaR pRiSm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan rubbed Shane’s shoulder, kissed him softly on the forehead.   
> Shane stayed at Ryan’s house for a long time.

Ryan parked Shane’s car in the driveway, right behind his dad’s Toyota. The inside of that car looked like a certified warzone, after the amount of trips it’s made: bringing Ryan and his friends to get ice cream after a middle school basketball game; driving Ryan and Jake to Disneyland, and subsequently, driving home all the food they got there and various souvenirs; driving the kids to San Martin so they could visit their grandparents on their mom’s side, since she refused to drive  _ all the way from San Diego to LA just to go right back  _ and bring them herself; celebrating football games and basketball games by driving twenty minutes away just to go to a drive in movie theater, and all the popcorn they totally didn’t spill in the car while messing around with each other. It was, above all else, a personification of his childhood, which his dad never failed to complain about. 

He locked Shane’s car once they were both out and led the way to his front door. He walked through the kitchen directly to the door leading to the basement, no patience for Jake’s assholery whenever Shane comes over ( _ especially  _ not when his dad’s home). He could hear Jake trying to teach his dad how to play smash in the other room, and everything in him wanted to go in there and join, but… 

But Shane. 

As he totally  _ didn’t  _ sneak his boyfriend downstairs, his mind was heavily occupied with ideas of family. Specifically, the fact that recently, he’s been letting Shane take priority  _ over  _ his family. It’s true that, amidst the general rage and angst that come with being a hormonal teenager and a child of divorce, he’s just been generally disconnected from his family, but he also couldn’t really ignore how frequently he’d abandon hanging out with his dad and his brother to go do something with Shane & Co.

Those thoughts clouded his brain to the point where he nearly wanted to cry (not for the first time in the past few weeks since he punched Brian), but he just had to look at the guy behind him as he opened his bedroom door to cast them out. Shane was more important in this moment. He could think about all those awful thoughts later. Right now, he had to make sure Shane was okay. 

Ryan waited until they were on his bed, a blanket wrapped around both of their shoulders. There was no background bullshit, nothing for them to pretend to pay attention to— no record playing, no movie on the tv, no show streaming from his laptop, no dogs jumping around on the bed. Just them. Ryan and Shane. Shane and Ryan. Friends. Boyfriends. 

“So… you said something about being… scared?” Ryan asked, failing at finding a less awkward way to bring up the conversation. 

Shane let his body slump against Ryan, which he didn’t mind in the slightest. “Yeah. I just… you know, you’re the first person I’ve dated since I broke up with Evan. He kinda… fucked me up emotionally. And things have been going so well with you, that it’s like, I don’t know. Something in me is so scared that the same thing’s gonna happen, because it’s like,  _ too  _ good.  _ You’re  _ too good. Better than I deserve for sure. And I…” Shane stopped speaking, focused his gaze on his fingers. 

“It’s okay, Shane. I’m not gonna judge you or anything.” 

Shane nodded and took a deep breath. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I, um. I still think about him, Ryan. And not in the way that like, I  _ miss  _ him, god no. I actually kind of despise him. But I do think about him sometimes, involuntarily, if that makes sense? God, it just— it makes me fucking angry, Ry. My brain won’t let go of all those little things he would do, all the red flags that I ignored. The fact that I was being so badly mistreated and I didn’t even realize it.” 

“Why don’t you tell me about him?” 

“I… I don’t know, Ryan, it’s—”

“Shane, baby. Look at me.” Shane did as instructed, turned with eyes that were much too glassy for Ryan’s liking. He gently— oh so gently— cupped Shane’s face and kissed his cheek. “It won’t bother me to hear you talk about him. Okay? I trust you. And I trust the fact that you won’t hurt me or anything like that, and that you’re over him. It’s possible to be over someone and not be over the manipulation, Shane.”

“Okay. Cool. Um, I guess I should say it didn’t start off bad, right? There were definitely some things that should’ve tipped me off, but I ignored it all. Even in the first month, he’d mock almost all my interests. He’d make fun of me for theatre, for musicals, he’d tell me how lame it is that I love history and go on and on about how much he hates Star Wars and Frasier and almost all my favourite shows and movies. He didn’t follow me on Instagram for  _ three months,  _ which I don’t really care about at all, I’m not  _ that  _ conceited. It was just that his reasoning was ‘I don’t want you to see the people I follow. And besides, I can just use my sister’s account to see your posts.’ I mean, what the fuck kind of thing is that to say? He was always so secretive, about  _ everything.  _ But I never was at all. He had his thumbprint in my phone, but if I so much as touched his, he’d yell at me and say I was invading his privacy. He read all my text conversations with my ex, who is still a very good friend of mine, but absolutely freaked out when I tried to text one of his friends because of what I might see.

“He always refused to hang out with any of my friends except for Sara. Or if he would, the entire time he’d just be silent and barely even talk to  _ me.  _ He’d always tell me about how annoying they all are, and would continuously say ‘I hate theatre kids,’ even though  _ I’m  _ a theatre kid. It got to the point where I didn’t even bother to talk about my friends or invite him along, because I knew he was just going to bitch about hating them. And I couldn’t even  _ talk to anyone _ about that! Like, what am I gonna do, tell Zach about how annoying my boyfriend finds him? 

“Whenever I pointed any of that shit out to him, he’d act like I was overreacting, and go on about how I ‘ _ don’t trust him,’ _ and _ ‘you need to trust people in a relationship.’ _ I’d always give up because I didn’t wanna start a fight, but if I ever brought it up again, he’d tell me I’m overexaggerating or remembering wrong, and sometimes just flat out deny the conversation ever happening. And I guess looking back on it, why  _ should  _ I have been so upset? It was mostly just minor things, little things he’d do that would slowly chip away at me. And then there was… well, he kind of had issues with controlling his anger. He took it out on everyone around him. There were countless times where I was on the phone with him and heard him yell at his mom or dad. Once he  _ hit  _ his mom when his anger got out of control. He’s punched a hole in his door before. Kinda… violent shit. But he was really only verbally aggressive to me, if that makes sense. He’d yell at me a lot. Especially in the last month of our relationship. He’d get mad at me for things that weren’t my fault, or if I was doing something he did literally minutes before. But y’know, I didn’t really get  _ the worst  _ of it—”

“Shane,” Ryan cut in, suddenly all too worried. “He didn’t hurt you, right?” 

“No! Well, uh. Okay,  _ once.  _ We got into a fight and he hit me. But it was only once, and it never happened again—”

_ “Shane!”  _ Ryan’s hands were on Shane’s face again, gently holding his boyfriend. Shane turned to make eye contact, looking  _ guilty.  _ “Baby, I want you to listen to me. Once is still  _ bad.” _

“I— I just, I don’t know. It didn’t seem like that big of a deal. And I’ve been punched in the face before! Quite a few times before, actually. I’m just that resilient!” He laughed, but it was obviously forced. “I just… there were so many little things like that, you know? And he was such a large part of my life that I can’t get it out of my head. The way he treated me. And it’s so unfair of me to be pursuing a relationship with you when I  _ know  _ that like, emotionally, I’m-I’m still dealing with some of that stuff.”

“Shane, do you realize who you’re talking to? I’m like, the human incarnation of emotional baggage. Having to recover from that kind of constant mistreatment isn’t something that happens instantly, and you can’t  _ apologize  _ because of it.”

Shane nodded, looked away. He was silent for a long time, and Ryan let him be, figuring Shane just had to process the conversation a little. But then he heard Shane sniffle, a quiet sound that Ryan  _ almost  _ missed. “Shane? Are-are you okay?” 

He knew it was a dumb question, but he still asked it, unsure of what else to do. Shane turned to him and tried to smile, but his eyes were brimming with tears. “I-I, uh, y’know. I guess I’ll be o-okay?”

Ryan just shook his head and pulled his boyfriend (still had to get used to that word) into a hug. “You don’t have to be okay right now.” 

“The-the thing, the thing that made me stay is that, I think he actually did love me. In his own fucked up way. And the saddest part of it all is that, at the time, I thought I loved him too. And I held out for so long, thinking it would get better, and about how we went through a lot together, so  _ of course we can fix this.  _ And-and he was still—” Shane cut himself off to sniffle and wipe at his eyes with his sleeve. “He still, y’know, kissed me, took me out on dates. He’d do  _ one  _ romantic thing in a month, and I’d think to myself,  _ ‘wow, I’m so lucky, look how well he was treating me.’  _ Which is why I never really broke it off.” 

“Shane, you were being  _ manipulated.  _ I’d go as far as to say you were getting gaslit regularly. You don’t need to explain yourself. That in and of itself is probably a result of being with him.” 

“Yeah, I… I guess you’re right.”

“Have you ever seen a therapist about it?”

Shane broke eye contact again, drew his knees up to his chest and leaned on Ryan further. “No, I never really considered that, actually. I’ve been in denial for a while man, about all of it. And by the time I realized, oh shit, he was treating me horribly, I thought it was too long since it happened so I should totally be over it at that point.”

Ryan rubbed Shane’s shoulder, kissed him softly on the forehead. 

Shane stayed at Ryan’s house for a long time. 

 

* * *

 

Ryan had unfortunately come to the realization that he probably had to start wearing a coat. He realized that as he and his friends were walking into school from the senior parking lot one particularly cold Monday morning. By the time they were through the doors, he genuinely couldn’t feel his fingers. 

Shane had started waiting for Ryan by his locker in the mornings, which did all sorts of things to his heart. He, unfortunately, had one of the shittier lockers in the school. They’d recently put in a lot of new lockers that were a nice, deep blue, and had a pretty good amount of space. 

Ryan’s locker is the complete opposite.

It’s an ugly orange colour, that looks like a four year old ate pumpkin-coloured paint, then threw it up everywhere. At a third of the size of the newer lockers, he couldn’t even get his binders on the top shelf (he also used it as an excuse for the foot tall pile of garbage at the bottom of his locker, even though he and everyone else knew it’d still be there in a bigger locker). There were pictures taped to the wall by his friends— dumb little cartoons drawn on the corners of worksheets and looseleaf. Shane’s thicc Thanos (on its pink post it note) was even hanging out there. 

He was trying his best to open it, but his fingers were numb from the cold, making it much too difficult. Shane starting laughing after Ryan’s third attempt. “You need some help there, babe?”

“Make my hands warm for me.” 

Shane smiled, gently took his right hand, and placed a kiss to his knuckles. “Better?”

“Dick. I said make my  _ hands  _ warm, not my face.” Ryan couldn’t keep the smile off his face, unfortunately contradicting his statement. 

“My bad.” It was evident in Shane’s face that he did not, in fact, think it was his bad, or feel any remorse for the fact that Ryan was now blushing like an idiot. “Want me to open that for you?”

“Um… yeah.” 

Shane laughed and gently pushed Ryan out of the way. Ryan told him the combination and rubbed his fingers together as he waited for his boyfriend to open the locker. “Y’know, you stole my denim jacket that night at the beach. You could at least wear it so you’re not a little shivering hunk of muscle by the time you get to school.” 

“Shut up and open my locker.” 

“But of course, fair maiden.” 

“You’re so fucking corny! I hate you.”

“I’d be nicer to me if I were you, considering I just opened your locker.

“Not even on my deathbed will the words ‘thank you’ be in a sentence about that… throwup-y orange, metal rectangle.”

“It’s a rectangular prism.”

_ “It’s a rectangular prism,”  _ Ryan repeated in a mocking voice, pushing Shane out of the way so he could grab a binder. “Who gave you the right to be so mean to me?”

“Jake did.”

“Jake’s a little bitchboy, and his opinions hold absolutely 0 value in the grand scheme of the world.” Ryan slammed the locker and turned to face Shane. He didn’t respond to Ryan’s aggressive opinion on his brother that he ~~loved~~ hated, just looked at him with a dopey smile. “What? What’s your problem?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Since when do you ask for permission?”

Shane smiled and only then let go of Ryan’s hand. “Just wanna make sure it won’t bother you if I, y’know, kiss you in front of people.” 

Ryan didn’t answer Shane verbally.

In fact, they didn’t say much as they walked to science class side by side. “How you holding up?” Ryan asked Shane out of the blue, as they were almost at the room. 

“Oh, y’know. I’m alive so that’s good.” 

Ryan pushed his shoulder and laughed. “You’re a dickhead! You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, but you’re really cute when you’re annoyed.” 

Ryan crossed his arms and grumbled, taking a very obvious step away from his boyfriend. “Just because we’re together doesn’t mean you can bully me like this. It’s still against school policy.” 

“Sorry babe,” Shane said, not sounding very sorry at all. “But to answer your question for real, I’m good. Got all that emotional shit out, so now I’m just… focused on the fact that I’m really happy.”

“Oh yeah? What’s makin’ you so happy?”

“Having the world’s best boyfriend.” 

Ryan smiled wider than the pacific ocean at that, and knocked his elbow against Shane. Shane knocked his back. 

It was all the same as it’s always been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> got kinda sad, but don’t worry! there’s more where that came from :)  
> jokes aside, thank all of you so much??? like every comment i read makes my heart stop and i'm like, unable to even speak. i love each and every one of you reading this sm <3  
> message me on tumblr if you wanna be my friend or somethin. tell me about your gf or bf or crush or dog or w h a t e v e r !


	14. Are your grades up yet, hijo?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And there it was. The last push. The one that sent him tumbling over the line, that made him trip and land with his face in the asphalt and dirt and glass. That sentence was what made him burst into tears, something he’d been doing much more often as of late. He brought his knees up to his chest, arms folded on top of his legs as he buried his face into them, sobs wracking through his body.

Ryan let the door slam behind him and breathed out a long, deep sigh as he leaned against it. The kind of sigh that stays locked up, right around your heart all day, the bubble of air begging to be let out like a tornado by the time you’re able to have everything stop for one damn second and just take a breath. 

Being out of the closet is harder than he thought it’d be. Nobody on the team had the balls to say anything to him, Ryan Beragara, the MVP of Schaumburg High Boys’ Varsity Basketball Team, The Best Player Suburban Illinois Has Seen Since the 90’s. Not a single person dared to let one word slip,  _ especially  _ after the whole varsity team (except for Jen) saw firsthand what he did to Brad (and that was only when you insulted his friend, the one he wasn’t even dating yet! Can you imagine what Ryan Bergara would do if you tried to call  _ him  _ gayboy?).

The joke’s on them, really. He doesn’t care about himself even a quarter of the amount he cares about Shane. Yeah, he’d deck you in the face if you so much implied anything about his boyfriend. But if you insulted him to his face, truth be told he’d be much calmer about it. Probably yell a bit, but he wouldn’t get  _ physical _ . It’s not really in his nature to do so— he’s only ever seriously hit someone, outside of roughhousing and general shenanigans, once, and it was Jake. Hasn’t  _ everyone  _ hit their sibling at least once, though? That’s basically a requirement to be a true American Not-Only-Child. To get back to the point, though, Ryan isn’t violent. He’s competitive, yes, maybe even slightly aggressive if you challenge him, but violent? He’d  _ never  _ use that word to describe himself, and he could assure you that anybody who’s spent at least an hour with him would agree. 

His team might have forgotten that. And it hurt. Everywhere. It hurt in his heart, and in his ribs— it hurt his head and his back and that idea alone made him want to curl up in a ball on the floor and not speak for a week— the idea that one incident changed everyone’s view of him, the idea that just because he fucked up and let his emotions get out of hand, he’d gone from being Ryan Bergara, Everybody’s Friend, Whose Ass Contains the Sun (as some have repeatedly suggested), to being Ryan Bergara, the Classic High School Jock. Don’t Fuck With Him— if You So Much as Make a Joke, then You’re Hospitalized, Baby! He’s been playing with some of these kids since seventh or eighth grade; if this was all it took to have some of his longest lasting, most loyal teammates do a complete one eighty, he’s not sure if he’d be able to handle it. 

They were all on defense, that’s for sure. He’s not  _ that  _ big of a dumbass— he could see when he walks in the locker room, everyone makes a point to avert their eyes. Could hear the way that conversations got much quieter, or would even subside entirely. He noticed the shift, specifically after kissing Shane at the game, in how his teammates greeted him. Noticed that they didn’t excitedly chest bump and high five and slap each other on the back— they’d all wave and say “what’s up?” and sometimes just give a silent nod. 

The only people who weren’t acting different were the same people that have always supported him: Ned, Eugene, and Jen. The three of them actually started to walk into the locker rooms with Ryan every time (well, Jen would leave before entering), miraculously running into him right at his school locker before heading down to get changed. His friends were, at heart, fucking terrible at being subtle. It was obvious what they were doing and why, but that actually made him appreciate it more. Even if they didn’t achieve their goal of covering up the basketball team’s collective awkwardness, they did a damn good job of showing him that they’d be right by his side through it. And, really, isn’t that the most important part? Knowing they’ll stick with him through all the shit that comes his way? 

He didn’t even want to  _ think  _ about the way the rest of the Sports Ball Boys (as Shane calls them) act. He and his friends sat in the clusterfuck in the cafeteria— right where the most “popular” groups converged: there was your classic Popular Kids, the ones who wore vineyard vines and got highlights in their straight blonde hair and were obsessed with keeping up their 2000 day snapchat streak; there was the kids just a step below them, the ones who had access to all the weed and alcohol, and sometimes stronger stuff— the ones who got invites to every party and were in and out of ISS weekly; and of course, there was all the varsity sports kids. 

It was honestly incredulous that being accepted to a varsity team would guarantee you so many things: a seat in the middle of lunchroom chaos; a ticket to nearly every party in the school; a starting point of at least twenty friends, and first pick at any girls (or boys) you might be interested in— because who  _ doesn’t  _ want to date a varsity player? 

It even meant, in Ryan’s case, getting away with  _ nearly hospitalizing  _ another student. 

While everyone around him was slow to forget that instance happening, it didn’t stop the comments. People who would come up to Ryan and say, “So, now that you’re gay, do I get a fag pass?”  _ (“Yeah, sure,” Jen had said. “If I can get a Privileged White Boy who’s Never Faced Any Issues in his Life pass”).  _ Guys passing by, saying, “Look out, Chris. Bergara might start checking you out if you stand there too long” ( _ “Look out, Kyle,” Eugene had responded with an eyeroll. “You might get an even larger influx of nobody wanting to talk to you if you stand there too long”).  _ Girls, who would lean across the table, their nauseating perfume nearly choking him, just to ask, “So, Ryan, if you weren’t gay, would you be into me?” or, “is that why we never got together?” _ (“I can assure you,” Ned said without an ounce of humour, “as a very secure straight man, the reason people aren’t asking you out is because of your personality, not their sexuality”).  _

It could be worse, he knew that. In fact, he’s  _ seen  _ how much worse it could be for others. Even though things had improved significantly from the days you’d get dragged down the hall by your hair, kicked until you were coughing up blood with broken ribs, harassed daily, gained a second name that began with “F,” it really started to wear away at a person after a while. 

Which is why, as he leaned against the door and let out that sigh of long pent up emotions, Ryan was nearly at his breaking point. He was already close before all this started up, but each whisper when he walked into the room, each person asking him if Helen turned him gay or what made him decide to be that way, pushed him, further and further, until he was here. Standing at the foot of the white line in the road, the one whose signs said in bright, neon letters,  _ “Complete Mental Breakdown! Just one push away!” _

Ryan stepped away from the door, walked through the kitchen and into the living room. 

His living room was nice. It wasn’t really stylish, and by no means was it expensive, but it was cozy. Comfortable. It was the first place in their new house that Ryan had felt comfortable in, that he had really considered a part of his Home. He thought of coming home as racing Jake from the bus stop, still enough of a kid at eleven years old to enjoy the chase, then collapsing on the couch and playing Wii until their dad came home. Jake’s all time favourite had been Lego Star Wars, although Ryan personally thought Lego Indiana Jones was the most fun out of the Lego games they owned. 

They still owned that same exact couch— black leather, stained and worn away from all the years of them throwing their bodies onto it, from all the cups of coffee his dad spilled trying to avoid being another obstacle in Jake’s collision course as Ryan chased him with a sword, from Ryan tickling Jake until he peed (and got a new rule put in about him not being allowed to tickle Jake), and from all the sick days they spent slowly sipping apple juice, and sometimes spilling it all over themselves.  This exact couch was now taxed with supporting Ryan, as he threw himself down onto it face first. His head ended up near his dad, his feet just an inch away from the end of the couch. His dad had probably come home ten minutes ago, judging by where he was in his Come Home From Work Routine (which, yes, Ryan knew by heart). He was still in the “read on my iPad about this weird serpent tooth found in someone’s dental record” phase, glasses on as the glow reflected against his face. 

Ryan sat there for only a minute before he moved, now right side up and resting heavily against the back of the couch. 

“So, have you brought up your math grades yet, Ryan?”

And there it was. The last push. The one that sent him tumbling over the line, that made him trip and land with his face in the asphalt and dirt and glass. That sentence was what made him burst into tears, something he’d been doing much more often as of late. He brought his knees up to his chest, arms folded on top of his legs as he buried his face into them, sobs wracking through his body. 

“Ryan? Ryan! Ay, mijo, ¿Qué te pasa?” 

Ryan’s dad wrapped an arm around his shoulders, and he let himself lean into it. Some of the ugliest noises he’s ever produced left him as he clutched onto his dad’s shirt and just let it all out. Every joke, every slur, every stare, all of it pouring out of him like a broken faucet. He cried and he cried, and after that he cried some more, soon soaking his dad’s  _ Join the Dark Side, We Have Dads  _ tee shirt (the one that had a picture of Darth Vader wearing a baseball glove and holding a ball. It had been a joint gift from him and Jake for his birthday three years ago, and he refuses to acknowledge it stopped being funny by 2019). By the time he was able to pull away and get out a few words, he was sure his eyes were red and puffy. “I-I, it’s all, e-everything is…” 

That was all Ryan could manage with a wavering voice before he started crying again, nearly choking on the tears as he tried to wipe away all the water and snot running down his face. It wasn’t poetic. It wasn’t despairingly beautiful. It wasn’t romantic in a bittersweet way. It was  _ ugly _ . Every word he tried to get out failed, swallowed by his quivering lips, his dad’s shirt a mess of water and mucus. He tried to meet his dad’s eyes, but couldn’t for more than a few seconds as he squeezed them shut.

“I-I, I can’t—” Ryan cut himself off with a hiccup, wiped at his eyes with his sweatshirt sleeve. “I don’t kn-know, I, I can’t  _ tell you,  _ I just—” he sucked in another shaky breath, wiped at the tears some more, which still streamed down his face. “It’s— you— you’re gonna, I, you won’t—”

“Ryan, hijo.” His dad’s arms tightened around his shoulders, holding him close. “It’s okay. I promise, whatever it is, I won’t be mad. Tell me what’s the matter, cariño.”

Ryan breathed deeply, rubbed away what he hoped was the last of his tears, and spoke with a voice slightly raspy from crying. “I-I don’t know how to say this dad, but… I’m gay. I’ve known I was gay for a while now, but I kept denying it, and-and I dated Helen and Marielle because I-I didn’t  _ want  _ to be gay. And this guy, Shane, he- well, we started dating, and he kissed me after the game, and so he’s my boyfriend now? And I just— it’s— it’s too much!” 

His dad had no reaction, yet, just rubbed Ryan’s back and spoke in a hushed voice. “What’s too much?”

“Everything! I, I’ve been  _ lying  _ to you for months and months, and now I have a boyfriend that I didn’t even tell you about? Then, like, if-if  _ that’s  _ not enough, I also can’t talk about-about all the shit going on  in school.”

“What’s happening in school?” 

And so Ryan told him. All of it. He told him about Brad and how much he despised himself for what he did, how disgusted he feels, how resentful. He told his dad about how badly Shane was being treated, and how he had been harassed, his artwork ruined, just because he wore makeup, and how much it had made Ryan’s blood boil. He told his dad about everyone avoiding him in the locker room, how his teammates would hesitate before slapping him on the back or high fiving him. How people would say dumb shit to him, and all of the little comments. The way everyone stares at him when he walks into the room like he’d recently yelled he’s in the market for a leather daddy (he probably should’ve censored that specific thought, but the floodgates were open, you couldn’t expect him to be family friendly). He told his dad every single thing, and at the end of it, he realized how heavily it had been weighing him down. 

Once he was done, his dad nodded and gave him a smile. “I’m glad you told me. Really, Ryan.”

“I-I, I’m sorry dad. I’m really sorry. I-I tried not to be! And so I dated Mari but it wasn’t working out, and I was like okay, maybe I just shouldn’t get into a relationship. And I didn’t for a while! But then I found out from my friends that Helen liked me a lot, and everybody kept pressuring me to ask her out. They were so gross about it, too! They kept telling me about how it’s ‘been way too long since I got some,’ which is just fucking— it’s  _ so rude,  _ and disrespectful. Downright disgusting way to look at it. But I asked her to the dance because everyone pressured me into it, and I planned to break it off but she-she kissed me on the dance floor, and I couldn’t just embarrass her like that! And after that she kept pushing herself on me, made me kiss her, tried to make me have sex with her and never listened when I said no.”

“Did you tell Jane about this?”

Jane. His therapist. Jane, who’s been half the reason he  _ hasn’t  _ burst into flames lately. Jane, who knew he drank too much for a teenager, and sometimes smoked with his friends. Who knew he got up to real irresponsible shit, but didn’t tell his dad under the reasoning that “I’d rather have you tell me what you’ve been up to then have you keep it a complete secret.” Jane who was eerily similar to him, enjoyed all the same movies and shows and had very similar politics. Who probably knew him just as well as his best friends, which definitely says something. 

“I… no, not fully. I didn’t realize it was bad until a while ago when I told Shane about it.”

“I think you should talk to her about it,” he said, patting Ryan on the shoulder. “This Shane kid, though. Tell me about him. He treating you right?”

“Oh! Yes, definitely. He-he’s actually been like,  _ scarily  _ good to me. And he’s really supportive of like, all my fucked up emotional shit, and he buys me food which is also a plus.” 

“Does he like sports?”

“Um… no, not really. He’s actually into theatre. And a major nerd. He  _ enjoys  _ math, like, what the hell? Oh! But he came to the game, and I’m pretty sure he cheered the loudest out of like, everyone. ” 

“Louder than coach?”

“Immeasurably.” 

Ryan’s dad had a smile on his face that he only vaguely recognized, his eyes shining. “Good. I’m glad he’s supportive. I’m gonna have to meet this boy, of course. Make sure he’s not gonna hurt my son.”

Ryan groaned and buried his face in his hands. “Dadddd, no. I don’t need you to give him the whole ‘treat my daughter well talk’ just ‘cause I’m gay now.” 

“I do, Ryan.” He put a hand on Ryan’s shoulder, drawing Ryan out of his super hidden hiding spot to look left. The look on his face nearly broke his heart. “I know what men are like, Ryan. I’ve met all too many disgusting guys in my life. I wanna make sure this boy treats you right.” He took his hand off Ryan’s shoulder, gaze still unbreaking. “I raised  _ you  _ to treat girls right, and boys in this case. You’re gonna be the best boyfriend he’s ever had, it’s in your nature, but I have to make sure he’ll do the same for you.” 

“Y-you really don’t have to,” Ryan protested, his face burning up. 

“I do. You’re _enamorado_ hijo, I can see it in your eyes when you talk about him. I’m not gonna let him break your heart if he’s a dirtbag.” 

Ryan could feel tears stinging at the back of his eyes again, but wiped them preemptively. He’s been crying  _ way  _ too much these past few weeks. “Thank you, dad. Really. I-I was so scared, I don’t know why, but I… everything was kind of building up, and-and lying to you, that was just kind of… the cherry on top.” 

His dad smiled, wrapped an arm around Ryan’s shoulder and pulled him into a hug. “Of course. And hey! At least you’re a step above Jake and can actually get a date.” 

“OUCH!” His brother yelled, drawing both Ryan and his dad’s attention towards the kitchen. He was standing at the fridge, closing it with a juice box in his hands. 

“Jake! You little shit, were you just listening to all of that?” 

“Uhh… not  _ all  _ of it.” 

“Get your tiny ass over here you little bastard!” Ryan shot up from the couch, already moving at maximum velocity by the time Jake screamed and darted out the back door. As Ryan’s bare feet pounded against the grass, chasing after his brother with promises of “I’m going to gut you and bake you into a fucking  _ pie!”  _ and “I’m gonna beat you so hard you’ll  _ wish  _ you were Brad!”, he realized that he’d put his family on hold way too much. Not even since he met Shane, but in the past year alone.   


In the midst of partying, drinking and smoking at every opportunity, general teenage hormones and depression, and the fact that he’s overall been a huge mess, he hasn’t been as close with Jake  _ or  _ his dad. And the saddest part of all that is he hadn’t  _ realized  _ it was upsetting him. But his chest was filling with warmth, and, tackling Jake to the ground, Ryan had a sort of revelation: 

For the first time in his life, despite all the shit that was going on, despite the fact that his mental state still wasn’t exactly fit for a wellness ad campaign, Ryan was, in many aspects, truly happy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT Y'ALL. I'VE BEEN GONE SINCE JULY AND I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT!!!! my laptop's been... Exceptionally broken since late july and I deadass just got it fixed this weekend. but I promise there's some good good shit in store (see also: sad, probably gonna make you cry). these boys really b suffering


	15. Good Day, Comrade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new kind of silence fell over the car— the kind none of them were used to. A silence that sounded like growing up, and first real loves. A silence that screamed in their faces, we only have half a year left of doing this with each other. It was thick and heavy, and it filled every inch of the car with its melancholy realizations that they were almost adults now, and were soon going to lose the simplicity and security of adolescence. 

Ryan’s brain was surrounded in a thick fog that left every thought hazy. They were nearing the end of November now, and it seemed that no amount of layers helped Ryan keep the cold out of his bones. Not even the jacket he stole. He wore Shane’s denim jacket over his sweatshirt everyday— to the point where Shane’s smell was faded— but he didn’t dare give it back. He was considering asking Shane to wash it for him so it would regain that smell. 

All thought processes were still blacked out by the time he met Shane at his locker. His boyfriend stood joking and laughing with his best friends, and Ryan laughed, too, but he didn’t know what he was laughing at, or really what any of them were saying. 

He stayed that way until the warning bell rang, and it was time for Shane and Ryan to make their way to science class, hand in hand. The cold touch helped somewhat to ground Ryan, but it still felt like he was on autopilot, and relying heavily on Shane to guide him. Shane must have noticed, given the worried looks he kept shooting Ryan, but Ryan was not in the mood to talk about any of it— at least, not  _ yet.  _ “Are you alright there, Ry? You seem a bit out of it this morning.”

“Hm? Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just didn’t sleep much last night.” Which wasn’t a lie, really. Even after he’d said goodnight to his dad, Ryan found sleep impossible, with endless thoughts plaguing his brain. 

“You gotta start getting to bed earlier, babe.”

Ryan laughed it off and agreed. 

 

* * *

 

Shane talked a lot in English class that day, almost like he were compensating for Ryan’s silence. He spent the whole period doodling in his notebook. Ryan was by no means an artist, but it occupied his hands while he drifted off to draw stars and planets and UFO’s. He could feel Shane’s concern, but opted to ignore it. 

The discussion floated all around him, mentions of literary technique and word choice settling themselves somewhere in Ryan's subconscious as his more conscious thoughts focused on how it started raining outside and the fact that once he was finished with basketball practice today he'd be allowed to pass out at home indefinitely. And even though he had no idea what Shane was saying beyond a vague comprehension of key words, hearing him speak put something in Ryan's heart at ease.

Shane was actually just loud in all his classes today, it seemed. Ryan would have to ask him why he was so hyperactive. 

“All I’m saying,” Shane defended from where he was slouched in his seat, “is that we wouldn’t have  _ any  _ of these problems if we just converted to communism.” 

Ryan hadn’t realized his boyfriend wore an excessive amount of red today until he was listening to him try to sell Freidman on communism. He should’ve guessed, really. Shane had been hinting  _ all day  _ at something he was going to do that would involve more than his Regularly Scheduled Assholery. 

“Shane…” Freidman sighed, dropped his pointing stick on his desk, and put his head in his hands. “Listen, kid. Communism is  _ not  _ an effective way of running an economy, and what you propose would be pure, chaotic anarchy. You could never sustain a population.”

“I think you’ve just been brainwashed to put full faith in capitalism without considering the alternatives.”

Ryan was finding he was stronger than he ever knew. Specifically because of the strength and mental discipline it took to  _ not  _ burst out laughing as Freidman took his glasses off, rubbing his face some more— a tell tale sign that whatever Shane was doing was working. “Madej, I’m— I’m not  _ brainwashed by capitalism,  _ we don’t  _ do  _ brainwashing.”

“You went to school for United States government systems, I think at least some part of you was experiencing daily propaganda. You’ve become numb to our government’s mind control!”

This conversation has been going on for ten minutes, started by Shane mentioning offhand, _ “if we weren’t living in a capitalist society, we wouldn’t have to worry about nepotism.” _

Freidman opened his mouth to answer, but was cut off by the bell. Shane stood up, saluted their teacher, and said, “good day, comrade.”

Something definitely had to be said for Shane’s ability to switch from America’s Biggest Dickhead to being his secret self, reserved for Ryan; calm, caring, and soft. “I can tell that you’re off today, Ryan. Do you wanna talk about what’s up? Or do you just… need some time alone?” 

The question caught Ryan off guard a bit. He still laced his fingers through Shane’s, though, eyes focusing on nothing in particular in the distance as he spoke. “I’m not really sure. It’s just… it’s a lot.” 

Shane nodded, understanding. “I texted your friends. I think they’re what you need, Ry. They wanna meet you at your locker.”

Ryan was surprised, to say the least. How was it that Shane knew exactly what he needed in that moment? Shane walked with him until they were just outside the gym doors. He kissed Ryan on the cheek softly, squeezed his hand, and turned away. 

 

* * *

 

Ryan was glad his best friends met him at his locker. The empty hallways gave Ryan a sense of privacy that was a breath of fresh air in comparison to the rest of his life, which felt like a reality TV show all his peers were watching. 

Nobody else needed to know that he came out last night; the only people it’s relevant to are Shane, Ned, Eugene, and Jen. He was still working on the first one.

Once Ryan’s locker was open, he spilled his guts. He started with the fact that he was having a  _ minor  _ mental breakdown from everyone’s reactions to “the whole gay thing,” and ended with him tackling Jake in the yard. He punctuated the end of his story with the slam of his locker, more than eager to ignore the conversation having happened (if you could really count him rambling a “conversation”) and get back to fucking around at lunch. 

Ryan and his friends are seldom serious— the last time they were able to fully take something seriously and  _ not  _ brush it off by joking or choosing not to talk about it was when Ned’s grandfather died, and they all attended the funeral to make it easier for Ned and his parents (Ned was always close with his grandparents, and during his grandpa’s last few years, Ned was there weekly to take care of him, the house, and his grandma). It’s not a  _ bad  _ thing that they do that. Not even remotely— Jane assured him that much. It’s just how they work things through. If they fight, they give it some time and make up. If someone’s going through a break up, they take a trip to the pizza place and forget about the ex. It’s not avoidance, so much as it’s a distraction from the pain one of them’s experiencing.

After his rushed explanation of last night’s events, his friends nodded, understanding. Jen threw an arm around his shoulder (he was often the victim of this, because she had to lean up the least to reach him), Ned patted his shoulder, Eugene looked away. The latter was chewing on his lip, something unreadable behind the mask that had grown translucent with years of friendship. Ryan wasn’t sure where the sudden opaqueness came from, but whatever it was, he didn’t like it. “Guys… we don’t have anything  _ that  _ important next period, right”

Ryan, Ned and Jen exchanged uncertain looks, their concern accumulating. “I mean, I’ve been making a pretty sick fortnite mosaic in crafts, but I’m sure it can wait,” Ned said. “Ironically, of course.” 

“Ironically my ass!” Jen blurted out, then seemed to catch herself afterwards. “Oops, sorry. No, I don’t have anything important, just gym.” 

Eugene nodded again, then started walking towards the exit closest to Ryan’s locker. “Cool. C’mon, then.” 

With mass confusion and worry, they followed Eugene outside, all the way to his car. 

He didn’t open up until they were all in and the doors were closed, heat on high. Ryan distantly regretted leaving Shane’s jacket in his locker. “Okay. So. Um. Zach, right? I think that he and I are… a thing. Well, actually I’d say probably, considering we’ve had sex and all—”

_ “What?!”  _ All three of them yelled in unison. 

“Calm down y’all, it’s nothing new for me to fuck a random guy.” 

“Okay,” Ryan started, “well then why are you being nervous right now?” 

Eugene avoided the question, instead nearly shouting as he asked, “how about some Taco Bell?”

Ryan moaned loudly in response. 

“You’re lucky your boyfriend isn’t here, Ryan,” Jen said while knocking her knee into Ryan’s. 

“I think Shane knows I rank him well below Taco Bell.”

“I’m telling him you said that.” 

“Wait— no! Jennifer Ruggirello! Do  _ not _ — close that Snapchat right this  _ instant,  _ I do  _ not  _ give you my consent to be—  _ Jen!” _

Ryan lunged towards Jen’s phone, which displayed a picture of Ryan’s face in the middle of a sentence, and the text,  _ “Ryan just told me word for word, he “ranks you well below Taco Bell.” Just thot I’d let you know.” _

_ “Nedddd,” _ Ryan started whining, “Jen’s texting my boyfriend!”

“You’re both acting like idiots.” Was Ned’s only response, in his Disappointed Dad Voice. “Jen, don't' text Ryan’s boyfriend. Ryan, don’t tell Jen what to do.”

At the same time that Ryan said, “But  _ you’re  _ telling Jen what to do,” Jen had also said, “but  _ you’re _ telling me what to do!” This moment of jinx-based bonding was exactly what it took for their argument to be resolved. 

Her phone buzzed with a response from Shane; a picture of him on the bleachers in his gym class and the text,  _ “I could’ve guessed. He fully moans whenever Taco Bell’s mentioned. Fucking addict is what he is.”  _

Ryan cracked up at that response, and through his wheezes, managed to pat Jen’s shoulder and say, “take a video, take a video!” 

They had to wait until they were calmed down enough, but when Jen’s thumb was pressed against the white circle, Ryan let out the most obscene noise he’d produced in a while. They were both losing their ability to breathe with how hard they were laughing, wheezes only worsened by Ned yelling at them for “literally acting like the seven year olds I babysit!” 

Jen saved the video to her  _ My Eyes Only,  _ a part of her Snapchat that was filled to the brim with Questionable Photos and Videos of the dumbasses she called her best friends, then sent the video to Shane. They were still giggling over the kind of (very) immature joke as they reached the drive through, but had to calm down so Eugene could take orders and collect payment (he didn’t really need to ask, so much as confirm they wanted their usual). 

Eugene was paying for the food when Ryan felt his phone buzz against his thigh. He didn’t have to look before he knew who it was— the only person that  _ would  _ be texting him right now.  He picked up his phone and sure enough, it was from Shane. Ryan had to try his hardest to hide his expression when he unlocked his phone and read the (slightly overdramatic) message. 

_ If you send me any more god damn videos of you MOANING while I’m in GYM CLASS and can’t do SHIT about it, I’m gonna have to kill you personally. _

Ryan didn’t think he had the ability to type a response after that. A cheesy gordita was placed in his lap, alongside a coke, but he wasn’t registering either. 

_ ur fault for finding me hot, babe _

_ No it is NOT my fault. Our whole damn school is thirsting after you! I’m just the only one being tortured with videos of my boyfriend MOANING while I’m wearing G Y M  S H O R T S _

_ o h  _

_ so u have THAT kinda problem  _

_ THE FUCK DID YOU THINK I MEANT? _

_ lol i didn’t think you’d hard just from a video  _

_ Oh so now you’re making fun of me for it? _

_...maybe just a bit _

_ better not start talking to me, though. i just got my food. might start uncontrollably orgasming when it enters my mouth.  _

_ You’re ruthless! _

_ no, i’m ryan _

_ SHUT UP _

_ i’m trying, but i’m having too strong of a sexual reaction to this cheesy gordita. can’t hold it back. _

_ Jesus Chist, Ryan _

_ I’m discontinuing this conversation so I can find a way to deal with this  _

_ there’s always the old fashioned way  _

_ YOU TALKING ABOUT ME JACKING OFF IS NOT HELPINg _

_ no, silly! _

_ i didn’t mean that YOU’D be doing it  _

_ ;) _

_ I’m gonna stop answering now. _

Ryan was snickering as he finally put his phone down and dug into his food (which was, admittedly, a somewhat religious experience). Most people would be wondering why they were all joking and laughing, essentially ignoring Eugene’s distress. The answer to that is simple, though: they’ve done this one too many times.    
  
It takes an inconceivable amount to get Eugene to open up. If you’re lucky enough to be there when the buildup of emotions starts cracking at the dam, he needs to  _ really _ be prepared for the flood before he’ll stop haphazardly patching up the holes and let himself feel. That’s what he was doing now, switching on the floodlights and putting sandbags at the doorway to ensure a safe dam repair. 

Eugene took one more sip from his soda cup before he was ready to talk. 

“So… Zach. Right. It’s um, y’know, it’s kind of a lot.” The car was silent aside from the general white noise of a Taco Bell parking lot— cars honking at each other on the busy street next to them, distant sirens, the barely audible bass of someone playing music at a volume that had to be bad for their ears. “I don’t usually catch feelings? I like to stay… detached from whoever I’m with. But Zach is just… ugh, I think I really do feel more for him. Like, a  _ lot  _ more. But I’ve already established this as being a casual situation, a get-drunk-and-make-out-at-parties relationship, or a you-got-into-another-fight-with-your-parents-so-you-snuck-in-through-my-bedroom-window-and-I-fucked-you-senseless relationship—”

“That is  _ way  _ more than I wanted to know—” Ned started.

“—and now I don’t know if he  _ wants  _ anything more, y’know? What if I-I offer, or I take him out or whatever, but then he just like… doesn’t want any romantic shit? Also I’m not romantic! I’d be a fuking  _ horrible  _ boyfriend! I don’t know how to treat him right, and-and I am  _ so  _ fucked up, in  _ so  _ many ways! I-I don’t know if I should just like, not look a gift horse in the mouth and keep the setup we have now, or risk it by trying to ask him out.” 

There were exactly seven seconds of silence before Ryan spoke up. “You’re a fucking idiot, Eugene.” 

Eugene looked back at Ryan, surprise clear on his face. “I-I’m an idiot?”

“Yes, you are. Have you ever  _ seen  _ the way Kornfeld looks at you? Because we all have, and it’s a fucking surprise you guys aren’t getting married yet, Jesus Christ. He looks at you like you’re some greek god of seduction sent to whisk him away from this mortal plane and bring him to live in your beautiful love garden of sex and romance. That boy is absolutely  _ enamored.”  _

Eugene’s eyebrows were furrowed and he looked out the window. They were quiet for a while, waiting for Eugene to shatter the pane of silence. “I don’t know if I can be vulnerable enough to be in a relationship.” 

This time it was Ned who answered, a firm hand on Eugene’s shoulder. “If you really like Zach, and you’re willing to try, then that’s all you can do. And if  _ he  _ likes you as much as you like him, then he’ll be willing to look past all the baggage, and support and love you all the same. Maybe you’re not ready to be vulnerable, but maybe Zach’s the person who will teach you it’s  _ okay  _ to be vulnerable. The way I see it, there’s only one way for you to find out.”

Eugene nodded, and without another word, pulled out of the parking lot. 

“I guess since we’re sharing our feelings and all,” Jen started, “I should let you guys know that uh… I’m pretty sure I’m ace? And now don’t get me wrong, I’m still gay as fuck. Like, girls? Fuck yeah! Love those! I just like, never wanna do more than kiss them and stuff. I also do Not want to talk about it, so let’s just ignore that.” 

The confession was unexpected, but met with unquestionable support. 

A new kind of silence fell over the car— the kind none of them were used to. A silence that sounded like growing up, and first real loves. A silence that screamed in their faces,  _ we only have half a year left of doing this with each other.  _ It was thick and heavy, and it filled every inch of the car with its melancholy realizations that they were almost adults now, and were soon going to lose the simplicity and security of adolescence. 

Jen blew the paper wrapper of her straw at Ned. Ned turned around to flip her off, but in the process smacked his arm against the middle console. Their laughter helped clear the air, if only for a bit, and they were able to breathe in the sweet scents of avoidance once more. 

 

* * *

 

Eighth period, it was mentioned offhand to Ryan that practice got cancelled. 

He was having a hard time believing this, mainly because coach  _ never _ cancelled a practice, through wind, snow, rain– they even practiced during a hurricane back in 9th grade. There was also the fact that his friends were being somewhat elusive about the cause. Nobody gave him a “real answer,” instead mentioning that coach had family stuff going on or that his grandson had a fever. Ryan didn’t really believe any of it. But still, if they were trying to keep him away, who was he to barge in?

He still stayed after school, obviously. It was actually an accident that he stayed after, so used to the routine that came with 24/7 basketball practices. So he found himself roaming the hallways looking for someone to fill the time. Ryan didn’t mean to pass the gym – that one was also an accident. When he did pass by, he didn’t hear the telltale sound of sneakers squeaking against polished wooden floors, or the monotonous rubber bouncing of way-too-expensive basketballs. But he did hear voices— he was certain of it. So he went to the furthest door, opened it up as slowly and quietly as he could— just enough to hear the words— and listened closely. He heard his friends. He wasn’t sure what exactly they were saying, or what point in the conversation he even was listening to, but he strained his ears to make out every single syllable, trying to figure it out.  

Once he tuned out all of the background noise and focused hard on the voices, he heard Eugene. He risked it enough to look through the crack in the door, and he saw Ned, Eugene and Jen standing at the front of the group, all of whom sat on the floor, listening intently. 

“I just can’t understand how you guys think this is okay. We’re talking about  _ Ryan Bergara.  _ Our friend. Our  _ leader.  _ Someone who’s been a kind ear and helping hand to anybody that’s walked out onto this gym floor. Someone who’s never said no to a person in distress. And what, he kisses a boy and suddenly he has the fucking plague? Do you even know how much  _ courage  _ it takes to pull a stunt like that? 

“You should be  _ celebrating  _ Ryan, in fucking  _ awe  _ of him. As I speak to you guys, my hands are shaking like a goddamn sex toy and my heart is beating like crazy out of fear, but if you’re going to treat Ryan like this for being gay, I’ve got some terrible news for you guys. Because I’m happy to report that I’m one big,  _ fat  _ homo, so if that’s what it takes for you to exclude someone who’s been on your side for years… you better turn that into a table for two.”

Everybody looked like elementary school children after having been scolded. Nobody made eye contact with the three at the front; most stared at their sneakers and the shiny, laminated floor. But then a sophomore, Jason, stood up. “Eugene’s right. Coming out is terrifying. I just came out as bisexual to my girlfriend after denying it for  _ years.  _ I didn’t think I was going to tell any of you guys, but… I’m going to stand by Eugene and Ryan on this one.” He left his seat, walked to the front, and stood just slightly behind Eugene. 

A junior named Oliver stood up next. “I’m not gay, but you guys might as well count me out, too. I’ve been protecting my little brother since he entered middle school from all the shit he gets for being gay. Our dad hates it, too, and I’m always the one stickin’ up for him. So if being on the team means being against Ryan, I’m out.” 

More kids followed. One by one, standing, some with stories, some without. The whole team, having mumbled out apologies, eventually ended up standing— not behind Eugene, but with him regardless. That was when Ryan decided to step into the gym. His sneakers squeaked against polished floors, the only sound once everyone saw him. “Um… hey guys.” 

It was impossible to read the room. Confusion, guilt, solidarity, and more unrecognizable looks. He made his way over, hands in his pockets. Jason, surprisingly, took a step forward and dabbed him uo. “You’re brave, man. And better than the rest of us.” 

A senior named Andrew stepped forward and agreed. “He’s right. I’m sorry we were all douchebags to you. It wasn’t right of us.” 

Ryan looked at everyone, eyes jumping from player to player, only stopping when he looked at Eugene. “You’re a bastard for telling me practice was cancelled.” 

Eugene laughed and threw an arm around his shoulders. “My bad. But you’re here now, right? Why don’t we have an actual practice?” 

Coach couldn't have agreed more, tossing out a few basketballs to different kids. And it was just like it’s always been. Nobody hesitated, nobody watched their mouth too much or too little, nobody physically recoiled from him. The same as it’s always been. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really fuckin hated this chapter and procrastinated uploading it for so long sorry y'all. also i'm still trying to figure out Just How Sad to make this shit. i've been going through all the old chapters and fixing them up bc grammar issues, inconsistencies, or stuff that just Did Not Work, but dw bc there were no major changes to the storyline. 
> 
> regardless, thank every single one of you for reading this! i mean it from the bottom of my heart when i say your support means the world to me.

**Author's Note:**

> if you wanna read Euripides' Medea, I strongly suggest it! It's only 30ish pages and it's really fun and interesting and wow, you'll totally want to punch Jason in the face. definitely one of the better greek plays I've read. here's a link to a free version of it :) http://www.stoa.org/diotima/anthology/EuripidesMedeaLuschnig.pdf (if the link doesn't work you can always google it lol)
> 
> message me on tumblr! i love having friends! my account is trash-lez


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